Diversification

Diversification

No matter how much it is proven to me that I am loved, I so often feel alone.  No matter how many people reach out or acknowledge that I matter, there are times I am lonely, there are times that my current living arrangement is harder than others.  No matter how much working the steps has helped me and no matter how close I come to seeing the magic all around me everyday, there are times that I am overwhelmed by just being me.
I love the holidays and yet I quake in fear of them as well.  I recognize that it is my own ego based expectations that I have set that threaten to tilt me off balance when they don't pan out.  I recognize that even when the holidays are not upon us, my ego-centric expectations and desires will knock me off balance.
I love most everything about the idea of the holidays.  I like the lights, the giving of presents, wrapping paper, the warm fuzzy feeling it can evoke, the children's excited anticipation,m the reactions of the kids when they open gifts, the conspiracy among adults to create mystery for all little ones who celebrate Christmas, the food and most especially the music.
I desperately want to make the holidays better for my kids than they were for me.  I want them never to deal with the fights I saw growing up.  The throwing of plates across the table when my mother pushed my father too far and he had drunk too much.  I don't want them to be left the only one sitting at the table on Christmas Eve wondering what just happened.
I think that Frank and I have made it magical for them so far.  I think that even this year with me living elsewhere, we managed to make it happy and fun.  I spent the night and it was awesome.  I know that focus remained on them and on how much they could enjoy without us going crazy with ridiculously high expectations and pushing ourselves too far as we have so often in past years.
Even after all these admissions, I was desperately sad last night.  I had spent the night Christmas Eve and I did not want to leave and come back to the apartment last night.  I did not want to have to face last night the place I am in.  The situation that addiction and my reactions have placed me in.  I wanted to stay.  I wanted my husband to be in love with me again.  I wanted for December not to be so hard every year.  I wanted to hold my infant nieces without missing Liam so desperately at the same time.
They feel like him right now.  They are the same age he was when he died.  They make the same sorts of sounds, they fit in my arms the same way, they smell the same and their hearts beat next to mine in the same fashion his did when I lay them on my chest.  He died two days after Christmas eleven years ago and I can't run away from how that makes me feel.  I can't run away from how that sadness will always find me.
I also wanted everyone close to me in my life to see what I have become.  I wanted to shout from the rooftops that I have changed and that they must recognize this.  I want them to see me the way that I see myself now but I can't force other people's focus to change.
I see clearly this Christmas that it is no longer about how I want them to change and see me the way that I think I need them to, but that it is me who must work on how to navigate life when they don't or won't.  I can't make anyone see the subtle shifts in thought process that allow me to wake up every day and make better choices for myself.  I can't force anyone to see that I feel connected to the universe in a way I never have before.  I can't force anyone to see that I have a power within that has allowed me to walk tall and make changes that have felled many other people like me.  I can't force anyone to see that I am special.  I know that I am and that I have and the universe knows that I am and that I have and that has to be enough now.
I am learning that there are people in my life that I love very much, that I spend a lot of time with, that I am connected to for eternity, that will never be able to give me everything that I need.  I can't do anything about that, but I can diversify.  I can go to other people for acceptance.  I can share other things that inspire me with other people who are thusly inspired.  It doesn't all have to come from Frank or my in-laws or my oldest friends.  It can come from the recovery community, Facebook friends, spiritual connectedness, new and future friends and it can come from within.
I will only set myself up for failure and accuse those I love of failing me if I expect them all to give me everything I need and want all the time.  So just like playing the stock market, I will diversify.  I will create a portfolio that represents all aspects of my life so that my love is spread, my needs are spread, my dependence is spread and no one crashes, no one loses value, not the least of whom being me and there is nothing left but for us all to gain.