Chinks of Light

Chinks of Light

I was at my home group meeting last night and while the others were speaking a thought and an image began to form in my mind.  We were talking about step four in the twelve steps.  Step four involves making a "fearless and searching moral inventory of ourselves".  For me, going through step four has been one of the most powerful experiences of my life.  I won't prosthelytize about it, or at least I will try.
To sit down and examine yourself thoroughly over the course of weeks and months, causes you to bring yourself into focus.  It forces you to stop lying to yourself which makes it uncomfortable to continue to lie to others.  It makes you begin to think differently, and through this process you begin to see situations in 3D rather than flat on a page.  You can see problems, resentments, fear and hurt from entirely different angles.  I can now look at a problem I may have with another person, pick it up, hold it in my hand and turn it around examining all its' facets. I begin to see it differently, to see it through the other person's eyes.  Once I can see it from this other viewpoint I can then move forward to either help to solve this problem, or at least handle it more peacefully.  Does it work brilliantly all the time?  No, but I am getting better day by day.
There is a phrase associated with step four which has become one of my favorite expressions; "the sunlight of the spirit".  It is a beautiful expression and one I could never have fully appreciated the simple depth of had I not done this step work.  Prior to these experiences of the past months, I would have shut my mind to what I would have seen as a religious phrase and a somewhat hokey one at that.  But now I can look at it for what it is and it affects me deeply.
I believe that we are all born with this sunlight of the spirit.  I think it is present from the magic of birth, inherent goodness and innocence in all newborns.  I think it is the Quakers who say that every child contains the spark of God and I love that expression as well.  Over time, though, as we grow and experience life, we are protected by our egos.  Our egos begin to allow resentments, fears and self-seeking motives to warp that light.
When I began this process it was at if I were In a cave whose entrance had been blocked by the wreckage of an avalanche.  The rocks of the past and negativity blocked me from leaving the cave.  The sunlight of the spirit was on the other side and though I could see chinks of light shining through the gaps in these rocks of self protection, these mantles of victim hood, I did not have the strength to move the rocks.  I wasn't sure if I could lift them and even if I could which one would I move first so as not to cause the pile to fall in on me.
Through the work that I have done since leaving rehab in March, I have moved these rocks from the mouth of the cave and emerged. I am walking in the valley of life, basking in the sunlight of the spirit and discovering the beauty of the world around me.
I look around me now and wish for other people to be given this gift of clarity.  I can recognize now which of them is stuck in their own caves, lying to protect themselves.  I know the smell of denial so well, like a bloodhound that sense in me is strong.  I try to look those people in the eyes and listen without judging because cave dwelling is a bleak existence.  I wish for them emergence and the opportunity to bask as I feel I am.