The Holiday Party

The Holiday Party

I got to go to New York City this past week for business.  The first part of the day was a meet and greet with an agency that I work with the most and meeting other people at my own company.  The last part of the trip was going to the company holiday party.
To many people in recovery, events like holiday parties cause great anxiety.  There will be drinking and how do you navigate that?  How will you make it through when every drink in every hand is like a beacon, calling you to what it tells you is a safe harbor, but truly will dash you on the rocks at the first opportunity?  The craving will come.  You will want to be "normal" and just relax and drink like you perceive everyone else is.  Then how do you get through drinking seltzer water without anyone noticing and asking why you aren't drinking, because they will?  There are always the hosts who will press drinks on you, over and over again as though your not drinking is somehow a condemnation of the merry making.  You have to make a plan in advance.  What will be your excuse to leave early if you start to get uncomfortable?  This is how I felt at this time last year.
This year, it was mercifully different.  This year, I was not really concerned.  I can thank my work on the steps for giving me fresh perspective on life and giving me a strong foundation.  A lot of the people I work closely with know I am in recovery so there was no real stress around what to say when I wasn't imbibing.  For me it was not about drinking or not drinking but about meeting people that I have worked with but had not yet met due to distance.  It was about being in New York City at Christmas time, visiting the Chrysler building, then being at a really lovely restaurant and sitting among friends enjoying a meal and chatting and it was about networking for sure.
I was, for a long time before I became immobilized by alcohol, the fun drunk.  The one you wanted  at your table for my ability to make the other people sitting there laugh and engage.  I could hold court and be so charming.  I KNEW at the time that it was because of the liquid courage I was drinking.  I was SURE that I could not be the same without it.  I was SURE that I would be a shrinking violet without a glass or two (translation - a bottle or two) of wine.  It turns out that I never needed that kind of courage.  In fact, I don't need courage at all I just need to be me.
I did notice how much it seemed to be about drinking to many others there.  I did notice one of my companions drinking four martinis in the first hour there and then I decided to stop noticing because that truly is not my business.  I did notice that the company that I work for has a corporate office in Kentucky so the holiday gift to the employees contained Bourbon Balls and a bottle of Old Kentucky whiskey.  I just smiled and gave them away.
I marveled on the way back on the train about the really nice conversation I was able to have with my boss.  A really congruent conversation full of new revelations about each other and a certain level of vulnerability that filled me with warmth and had me smiling for a long time after we parted.  I marveled about how easy it was for me to be there among my fellow humans and not be triggered, not be white knuckling my way through the event.  I marveled at how I once thought that I needed the liquid nerves of alcohol to make it through such an event when all I need do is be openly and purely Fiona.