“Recognize
the Opportunity”
“The
Chinese use two brush strokes to write the word 'crisis.' One brush stroke
stands for danger; the other for opportunity. In a crisis, be aware of the
danger--but recognize the opportunity.”
―
―
I haven’t written in a long time. A lot has happened in the past four months,
personally, professionally and on the world stage. I got up this morning with the urge to write
that I haven’t felt in many weeks and decided it was time.
I’ll start with personally. I have been off the radar for a while. I have been struggling with severe
depression. It could be perimenopause
that has me going through a hormonal shift of epic proportions with all that
accompanies it, including the mood swings, hot flashes, night sweats and
insomnia. I also started on a new psychiatric
medication that did not sit well with me and had some horrific side effects and
took some time to wean off of. The
medication could have played a part in my current state of mind but I could
also have a new mental health diagnosis that my psychiatrist is discussing with
me at the moment. It could be that I
have bipolar II disorder.
When my doctor first mentioned putting
me on yet another medication for women with bipolar my internal reaction was to
reject it outright. I thought, “I do NOT
have bipolar disorder!” I didn’t want to
think that I have yet more problems, yet more to overcome and yet more to try
and understand about myself. I also had
it in my mind that people with bipolar disorder had periods of manic elation
and I didn’t see that in my life.
But then I looked at my last blog post
in November right before I crashed with some life consequences I will go into
at a later date, and thought, “Oh wait”.
The title is “The Center Cannot Hold”.
In that blog post I talk about how many things I am doing (and there
were a lot) and how I didn’t think I could handle it anymore. It was like I was warning myself it couldn’t
last. I can’t tell you how many people
have told me over the past few years, “I don’t know how you are doing it. I don’t know how you fit that much into a
day. Etc…” It could be that my manic episodes are not so
much elation as they are hypo-productivity.
So here I am now a few months later and
I went from hypo-productivity to finding it hard to get out of bed and shower. So maybe there is something to what my doctor
is saying. So is it hard to consider the
fact that I have yet another mental health diagnosis? Yes.
But what would be harder would be to ignore it and not rise again above
my problems and move forward in my life and be the best that I can be for
myself and for Dermot and Wren.
Then let’s talk about professionally. I had a job at a methadone clinic. They hired me in October knowing I had a Bachelor’s
degree in communications but that I was close to getting my Master’s in
psychology. In December the state came
through and did an audit and they told the clinic they could not bill for my
services because my Bachelor’s was not in behavioral health and I was told to
not come back to the office just before Christmas.
I am now in my last semester of graduate
school and have been treating my internship as my full-time job. I just completed the hours I needed before
the Coronavirus had us all quarantined.
I am taking the rest of my classes remotely through my college and
hoping I can get my degree in May as planned.
Job prospects are not looking great at the moment for me and countless
others. I worry I won’t find a job and
that I won’t be able to pay for the things I value, like my house, or for the
things I owe like my student loans.
All that being said, lets now talk about
COVID-19 and the opportunity it has brought to me and to my family – yes the
opportunity. The kids’ school initially
closed for two weeks, now closed for a further two. When that happened, Frank was also told to
work remotely. The kids opted by default
to stay at his house. They are there
during the week anyway, there is more technology, more room and more to
do. It made sense on many levels for
them to home school there and to quarantine there. I stayed at my house for the first four days –
alone. By the fifth day I cracked.
I came over to see the kids and I told
Frank I didn’t think I could be alone anymore.
He invited me to stay over in the guest room if I wanted for the
night. I took him up on it and by the
next morning the four of us collectively decided that I should stay for the
duration of this “shelter-in-place” type directive. It has been the best gift. We are pooling our psychological resources. We are together and it feels right.
We are cooking together. We are eating together. There are chess games and snuggles and there
is laughter. We talk about the news but
not too much. Wren’s thirteenth birthday
is this Friday and Frank and Dermot and I are working together to find creative
ways to make it special since she can’t have a party. We might go geocaching that day. We plan to make her favorite meal and dress
up to eat it in the dining room by candle light. Dermot has a projector rigged up in an
upstairs room and we are going to watch a Broadway show and tell her we are
taking her to the theatre… Last night
Dermot said to me, “Mom, what are you doing tonight?” I replied that I had no plans
(obviously). He wanted to have a “date”
and watch a movie just the two of us. So
we did.
In this time of crisis, with all the
uncertainty around us and all the unknown in my future, there is opportunity
today for me to heal with my family around me.
We have what matters right here and right now and that is what counts
today, at this very moment in time.
