“Embracing My Entirety”
This time five-years ago I was waking up
on the detox unit of a rehab facility. I
was fully clothed, deeply hung over and full of the most intense shame I
believe I had ever felt and certainly ever hope to.
If I am honest, I was disappointed that
I had woken up at all. I could not fully
mentally and emotionally process where I was or what I had done to be back in
rehab for the second time. It was as if
my mind could not allow me to go there just yet for fear I might break into a
million tiny pieces. I would eventually
get there, but it was a gradual process through the steps; a slow letting go of
my ego.
The person I was then and the person I
am today are vastly different yet essentially the same. I am still me at my core but so much about
how I view myself and therefore the world around me has changed. The inflexibility of my thought processes and
my judgement has shifted from black-and-white to living in a shifting state of
grey. Few things in my life are
concrete, few things are set in stone. I
know I have love in my heart, I know I am grateful and I know I want to live as
congruent a life as I possibly can and those things I don’t shift on. Everything else is on a continuum. I am always learning. I live in a constant state of understanding I
don’t have all the answers but that no longer frustrates or embarrasses me. If I ever start to feel as though I have it
all figured out again I will be in trouble.
Over the past five years I have not just
found sobriety, I have found recovery and there is a difference. Stopping drinking is one thing. Being blessed to live your life as much as
you can in what the Big Book calls the “sunlight of the spirit” is an entirely
different experience. I am grateful that
I found the group of people I did. They
took me through the steps in a particular way.
I have no doubt that the process saved my life.
Through the steps I was given a new way
of thinking that in turn changed my vision.
I was able to look at myself for the first time in the way that I
imagine God sees me. I believe that an
all-powerful being, a higher power, an essence, an energy or, God if you like,
embraces us all in our entirety. God
takes in our good and our bad and loves us despite ourselves. Through my step-work I was able to meet
myself for the first time – warts and all.
I was able to fully accept myself in my early 40s. I don’t just like myself today, I love
myself. To go from wishing I had not
woken up five years ago to loving myself completely today is a miracle. I wish everyone could see themselves with
love and tolerance. I wish it even for
people I don’t like; perhaps I wish it for them even more.
There have been other things gained in
five years. I have a relationship with
my children I could not have imagined. This
time five years ago, I thought they would be better off without me. Now I know differently and I am able to be a
loving and healthy part of their lives today.
Though my marriage did not last, my relationship with Frank is a good
one. We co-parent really well and we are
true friends. We laugh and when we have
conflicts we work it out. We have what
Wren calls a “friendship divorce” and I will take that gladly.
I have repaired relationships with old
friends. I have made amends with
people. I have learned to forgive. I look the world in the eye and stand
tall. I talk openly and honestly about
who I am and what my struggles are because I accept the darker side of myself
along with the light because to hide from one side over the other no longer feels
congruent. I don’t feel nearly as much
shame, though I still sometimes struggle with its legacy. I am perfectly flawed and beautifully human.
A friend of mine from my home group
mentioned the other day that he takes the time to thank God when things go
wrong. I remember him saying this and I
think my head cocked to the side like a dog.
I at first could not grasp the concept.
Why would you thank God when things were going wrong, you are supposed
to thank him when things are going well?
He clarified that he does both.
He doesn’t just want to thank God when things are easy but he wants to
remember to thank God when things are hard.
It seemed such a foreign concept to me,
but it was something that kept coming back to me over the course of the next
week. I began to feel myself starting to
do this when little things were not going my way, then when bigger things went
wrong. It started to become easier and
it started to really make an impact on my thinking. It is like the opposite of a fox-hole prayer
for me. I feel my anger rising about
something and I take a moment to thank God and it instantly puts things into
perspective for me and I am grateful.
This is the kind of thinking that I am
receptive to now. This is the kind of
thought process I can have now that allows me to turn things around and look at
all facets of a situation and be thankful rather than resentful. It changes everything and makes me calm in
situations that used to send me right over the edge into fear and self-pity
which are my Achilles heels.
So I am not saying that I am a saint and
I am certainly not perfect five years later.
I have growing to do still and much left to learn, but I am open to
doing so now and so very grateful that I can.
Today I am no longer disappointed that I
woke up.
