“The
Center Cannot Hold”
“Turning
and turning in the widening gyre
The
falcon cannot hear the falconer;
Things
fall apart; the centre cannot hold;”
William
Butler Yeats
My new job is challenging on many
levels. I am there three days a week and
have a relatively light caseload of 18 people.
I am a fee-for service outpatient drug and alcohol counselor at a
medication-assisted treatment program. I
run two group therapy sessions a week and meet each client individually on a bi-weekly
basis. I will say right from the gates
that for the most part I love the clients.
Contrary to how they often get portrayed in the media, the people at the
clinic who are there for treatment are lovely; they are struggling from a
myriad of problems and barriers, but they are lovely.
What I don’t love is the paperwork –
there is a staggering amount of it to do.
I can say that I am a highly organized person, and I struggle to keep on
top of which pick voucher goes with which service, versus which blue one goes
with that etc… The amount of time spent
on filling in different sheets of paper astounds me. I also feel like I am slow to make a
difference and wonder how I am helping.
I think this may be a common theme among people in the counseling
profession, but I am being hit hard by it at the moment. I want to help but sometimes I feel I am
drowning in the need I face every day and the lack of resources available or
that I simply don’t know about yet.
I spend the other two days a week at my
internship where I feel a little more sure-footed because I have been there
longer and am more comfortable. I am
part of a very small team there and feel I have made a few bits of difference
along the way since I started there in May.
I am also there on Sunday mornings for group and that makes me further
included in the pack as it were.
Occasionally I get asked to speak or do
trainings which is new and exciting, but it takes time. As does attending conferences which is now
part of my professional development routine.
I am still in school, writing papers at
night and reading and trying to be present for Dermot and Wren as best I
can. I thank them often for being so
patient with me as I am rounding the corner on grad school and can see the
light at the end of the tunnel. I should
be finished in May of 2020 – one more semester after this one.
I’m also heavily involved in my recovery
community. I try never to miss my home
group meeting and I sponsor women when they ask me. I take it seriously, even when sometimes they
don’t because doing the steps was pivotal in saving and changing my life.
Doing as much as I can I think is a
by-product of a time when I did next to nothing in active addiction but wreak
havoc on the myself and the lives of the people who love me. I wasted time and energy ad trust and love
and I don’t ever want that to happen again.
I believe I can make a difference now so I should and I will.
All that being said, I preach self-care
to my clients, to my kids, to my friends, to my sponsees and to fellow
counselors. I just helped a client at
the clinic come up with a self-care plan for the holiday season as he finds the
holidays stressful and lonely. I drove
home from the clinic yesterday and thought, “What are you doing for you
Fiona?” Right now I am doing a pretty
poor job of it for myself and I feel like my center cannot hold. My gyre is spinning too fast and I am taking
stock this week about what I can cut back on and what I can put into place to
make my life a little simpler, run a little smoother and allow me to rest a
little easier.
When I read the falcon cannot hear the
falconer I think I may be a little too far from my higher power. I need to lean in. When I lean into my spirituality things
always feel better, look better and work out better. I need to listen for my falconer right now
because that is the most essential part of my self-care.
