Diversification
No matter how much it is proven to me that I am loved, I so often feel alone. No matter how many people reach out or acknowledge that I matter, there are times I am lonely, there are times that my current living arrangement is harder than others. No matter how much working the steps has helped me and no matter how close I come to seeing the magic all around me everyday, there are times that I am overwhelmed by just being me.
I love the holidays and yet I quake in fear of them as well. I recognize that it is my own ego based expectations that I have set that threaten to tilt me off balance when they don't pan out. I recognize that even when the holidays are not upon us, my ego-centric expectations and desires will knock me off balance.
I love most everything about the idea of the holidays. I like the lights, the giving of presents, wrapping paper, the warm fuzzy feeling it can evoke, the children's excited anticipation,m the reactions of the kids when they open gifts, the conspiracy among adults to create mystery for all little ones who celebrate Christmas, the food and most especially the music.
I desperately want to make the holidays better for my kids than they were for me. I want them never to deal with the fights I saw growing up. The throwing of plates across the table when my mother pushed my father too far and he had drunk too much. I don't want them to be left the only one sitting at the table on Christmas Eve wondering what just happened.
I think that Frank and I have made it magical for them so far. I think that even this year with me living elsewhere, we managed to make it happy and fun. I spent the night and it was awesome. I know that focus remained on them and on how much they could enjoy without us going crazy with ridiculously high expectations and pushing ourselves too far as we have so often in past years.
Even after all these admissions, I was desperately sad last night. I had spent the night Christmas Eve and I did not want to leave and come back to the apartment last night. I did not want to have to face last night the place I am in. The situation that addiction and my reactions have placed me in. I wanted to stay. I wanted my husband to be in love with me again. I wanted for December not to be so hard every year. I wanted to hold my infant nieces without missing Liam so desperately at the same time.
They feel like him right now. They are the same age he was when he died. They make the same sorts of sounds, they fit in my arms the same way, they smell the same and their hearts beat next to mine in the same fashion his did when I lay them on my chest. He died two days after Christmas eleven years ago and I can't run away from how that makes me feel. I can't run away from how that sadness will always find me.
I also wanted everyone close to me in my life to see what I have become. I wanted to shout from the rooftops that I have changed and that they must recognize this. I want them to see me the way that I see myself now but I can't force other people's focus to change.
I see clearly this Christmas that it is no longer about how I want them to change and see me the way that I think I need them to, but that it is me who must work on how to navigate life when they don't or won't. I can't make anyone see the subtle shifts in thought process that allow me to wake up every day and make better choices for myself. I can't force anyone to see that I feel connected to the universe in a way I never have before. I can't force anyone to see that I have a power within that has allowed me to walk tall and make changes that have felled many other people like me. I can't force anyone to see that I am special. I know that I am and that I have and the universe knows that I am and that I have and that has to be enough now.
I am learning that there are people in my life that I love very much, that I spend a lot of time with, that I am connected to for eternity, that will never be able to give me everything that I need. I can't do anything about that, but I can diversify. I can go to other people for acceptance. I can share other things that inspire me with other people who are thusly inspired. It doesn't all have to come from Frank or my in-laws or my oldest friends. It can come from the recovery community, Facebook friends, spiritual connectedness, new and future friends and it can come from within.
I will only set myself up for failure and accuse those I love of failing me if I expect them all to give me everything I need and want all the time. So just like playing the stock market, I will diversify. I will create a portfolio that represents all aspects of my life so that my love is spread, my needs are spread, my dependence is spread and no one crashes, no one loses value, not the least of whom being me and there is nothing left but for us all to gain.
Friday, December 26, 2014
Thursday, December 25, 2014
Merry Christmas
Merry Christmas, blessed today to be spending the day with family. Love this man and the little people we share. Hoping you all have a wonderful day...
https://soundcloud.com/fiona-purcell-1/jesus-born-on-this-day
https://soundcloud.com/fiona-purcell-1/jesus-born-on-this-day
Wednesday, December 24, 2014
Good morning and Merry Christmas Eve. I have not written as much of late as I have been busy with work and best of all with family. I will try and post more later today if time allows but wanted to leave you with this. Letting myself keep in touch with my creativity is a large part of my recovery be it writing, acting, knitting or... Singing. Here is a song that I recorded for Frank and the kids and honestly for myself. I do this every year now and mostly they are Christmas songs or other significant songs but this year a couple are a bit more spiritual that before. This song I am posting is because I am grateful and it helps me to express that. It is a shout out to our collective subconscious, our spiritual connectedness, God, Gaia or whatever semantic you chose. Have a happy and safe holiday...
https://soundcloud.com/fiona-purcell-1/amazing-grace-2014
https://soundcloud.com/fiona-purcell-1/amazing-grace-2014
Sunday, December 14, 2014
The Holiday Party
The Holiday Party
I got to go to New York City this past week for business. The first part of the day was a meet and greet with an agency that I work with the most and meeting other people at my own company. The last part of the trip was going to the company holiday party.
To many people in recovery, events like holiday parties cause great anxiety. There will be drinking and how do you navigate that? How will you make it through when every drink in every hand is like a beacon, calling you to what it tells you is a safe harbor, but truly will dash you on the rocks at the first opportunity? The craving will come. You will want to be "normal" and just relax and drink like you perceive everyone else is. Then how do you get through drinking seltzer water without anyone noticing and asking why you aren't drinking, because they will? There are always the hosts who will press drinks on you, over and over again as though your not drinking is somehow a condemnation of the merry making. You have to make a plan in advance. What will be your excuse to leave early if you start to get uncomfortable? This is how I felt at this time last year.
This year, it was mercifully different. This year, I was not really concerned. I can thank my work on the steps for giving me fresh perspective on life and giving me a strong foundation. A lot of the people I work closely with know I am in recovery so there was no real stress around what to say when I wasn't imbibing. For me it was not about drinking or not drinking but about meeting people that I have worked with but had not yet met due to distance. It was about being in New York City at Christmas time, visiting the Chrysler building, then being at a really lovely restaurant and sitting among friends enjoying a meal and chatting and it was about networking for sure.
I was, for a long time before I became immobilized by alcohol, the fun drunk. The one you wanted at your table for my ability to make the other people sitting there laugh and engage. I could hold court and be so charming. I KNEW at the time that it was because of the liquid courage I was drinking. I was SURE that I could not be the same without it. I was SURE that I would be a shrinking violet without a glass or two (translation - a bottle or two) of wine. It turns out that I never needed that kind of courage. In fact, I don't need courage at all I just need to be me.
I did notice how much it seemed to be about drinking to many others there. I did notice one of my companions drinking four martinis in the first hour there and then I decided to stop noticing because that truly is not my business. I did notice that the company that I work for has a corporate office in Kentucky so the holiday gift to the employees contained Bourbon Balls and a bottle of Old Kentucky whiskey. I just smiled and gave them away.
I marveled on the way back on the train about the really nice conversation I was able to have with my boss. A really congruent conversation full of new revelations about each other and a certain level of vulnerability that filled me with warmth and had me smiling for a long time after we parted. I marveled about how easy it was for me to be there among my fellow humans and not be triggered, not be white knuckling my way through the event. I marveled at how I once thought that I needed the liquid nerves of alcohol to make it through such an event when all I need do is be openly and purely Fiona.
I got to go to New York City this past week for business. The first part of the day was a meet and greet with an agency that I work with the most and meeting other people at my own company. The last part of the trip was going to the company holiday party.
To many people in recovery, events like holiday parties cause great anxiety. There will be drinking and how do you navigate that? How will you make it through when every drink in every hand is like a beacon, calling you to what it tells you is a safe harbor, but truly will dash you on the rocks at the first opportunity? The craving will come. You will want to be "normal" and just relax and drink like you perceive everyone else is. Then how do you get through drinking seltzer water without anyone noticing and asking why you aren't drinking, because they will? There are always the hosts who will press drinks on you, over and over again as though your not drinking is somehow a condemnation of the merry making. You have to make a plan in advance. What will be your excuse to leave early if you start to get uncomfortable? This is how I felt at this time last year.
This year, it was mercifully different. This year, I was not really concerned. I can thank my work on the steps for giving me fresh perspective on life and giving me a strong foundation. A lot of the people I work closely with know I am in recovery so there was no real stress around what to say when I wasn't imbibing. For me it was not about drinking or not drinking but about meeting people that I have worked with but had not yet met due to distance. It was about being in New York City at Christmas time, visiting the Chrysler building, then being at a really lovely restaurant and sitting among friends enjoying a meal and chatting and it was about networking for sure.
I was, for a long time before I became immobilized by alcohol, the fun drunk. The one you wanted at your table for my ability to make the other people sitting there laugh and engage. I could hold court and be so charming. I KNEW at the time that it was because of the liquid courage I was drinking. I was SURE that I could not be the same without it. I was SURE that I would be a shrinking violet without a glass or two (translation - a bottle or two) of wine. It turns out that I never needed that kind of courage. In fact, I don't need courage at all I just need to be me.
I did notice how much it seemed to be about drinking to many others there. I did notice one of my companions drinking four martinis in the first hour there and then I decided to stop noticing because that truly is not my business. I did notice that the company that I work for has a corporate office in Kentucky so the holiday gift to the employees contained Bourbon Balls and a bottle of Old Kentucky whiskey. I just smiled and gave them away.
I marveled on the way back on the train about the really nice conversation I was able to have with my boss. A really congruent conversation full of new revelations about each other and a certain level of vulnerability that filled me with warmth and had me smiling for a long time after we parted. I marveled about how easy it was for me to be there among my fellow humans and not be triggered, not be white knuckling my way through the event. I marveled at how I once thought that I needed the liquid nerves of alcohol to make it through such an event when all I need do is be openly and purely Fiona.
Saturday, December 13, 2014
Chinks of Light
Chinks of Light
I was at my home group meeting last night and while the others were speaking a thought and an image began to form in my mind. We were talking about step four in the twelve steps. Step four involves making a "fearless and searching moral inventory of ourselves". For me, going through step four has been one of the most powerful experiences of my life. I won't prosthelytize about it, or at least I will try.
To sit down and examine yourself thoroughly over the course of weeks and months, causes you to bring yourself into focus. It forces you to stop lying to yourself which makes it uncomfortable to continue to lie to others. It makes you begin to think differently, and through this process you begin to see situations in 3D rather than flat on a page. You can see problems, resentments, fear and hurt from entirely different angles. I can now look at a problem I may have with another person, pick it up, hold it in my hand and turn it around examining all its' facets. I begin to see it differently, to see it through the other person's eyes. Once I can see it from this other viewpoint I can then move forward to either help to solve this problem, or at least handle it more peacefully. Does it work brilliantly all the time? No, but I am getting better day by day.
There is a phrase associated with step four which has become one of my favorite expressions; "the sunlight of the spirit". It is a beautiful expression and one I could never have fully appreciated the simple depth of had I not done this step work. Prior to these experiences of the past months, I would have shut my mind to what I would have seen as a religious phrase and a somewhat hokey one at that. But now I can look at it for what it is and it affects me deeply.
I believe that we are all born with this sunlight of the spirit. I think it is present from the magic of birth, inherent goodness and innocence in all newborns. I think it is the Quakers who say that every child contains the spark of God and I love that expression as well. Over time, though, as we grow and experience life, we are protected by our egos. Our egos begin to allow resentments, fears and self-seeking motives to warp that light.
When I began this process it was at if I were In a cave whose entrance had been blocked by the wreckage of an avalanche. The rocks of the past and negativity blocked me from leaving the cave. The sunlight of the spirit was on the other side and though I could see chinks of light shining through the gaps in these rocks of self protection, these mantles of victim hood, I did not have the strength to move the rocks. I wasn't sure if I could lift them and even if I could which one would I move first so as not to cause the pile to fall in on me.
Through the work that I have done since leaving rehab in March, I have moved these rocks from the mouth of the cave and emerged. I am walking in the valley of life, basking in the sunlight of the spirit and discovering the beauty of the world around me.
I look around me now and wish for other people to be given this gift of clarity. I can recognize now which of them is stuck in their own caves, lying to protect themselves. I know the smell of denial so well, like a bloodhound that sense in me is strong. I try to look those people in the eyes and listen without judging because cave dwelling is a bleak existence. I wish for them emergence and the opportunity to bask as I feel I am.
I was at my home group meeting last night and while the others were speaking a thought and an image began to form in my mind. We were talking about step four in the twelve steps. Step four involves making a "fearless and searching moral inventory of ourselves". For me, going through step four has been one of the most powerful experiences of my life. I won't prosthelytize about it, or at least I will try.
To sit down and examine yourself thoroughly over the course of weeks and months, causes you to bring yourself into focus. It forces you to stop lying to yourself which makes it uncomfortable to continue to lie to others. It makes you begin to think differently, and through this process you begin to see situations in 3D rather than flat on a page. You can see problems, resentments, fear and hurt from entirely different angles. I can now look at a problem I may have with another person, pick it up, hold it in my hand and turn it around examining all its' facets. I begin to see it differently, to see it through the other person's eyes. Once I can see it from this other viewpoint I can then move forward to either help to solve this problem, or at least handle it more peacefully. Does it work brilliantly all the time? No, but I am getting better day by day.
There is a phrase associated with step four which has become one of my favorite expressions; "the sunlight of the spirit". It is a beautiful expression and one I could never have fully appreciated the simple depth of had I not done this step work. Prior to these experiences of the past months, I would have shut my mind to what I would have seen as a religious phrase and a somewhat hokey one at that. But now I can look at it for what it is and it affects me deeply.
I believe that we are all born with this sunlight of the spirit. I think it is present from the magic of birth, inherent goodness and innocence in all newborns. I think it is the Quakers who say that every child contains the spark of God and I love that expression as well. Over time, though, as we grow and experience life, we are protected by our egos. Our egos begin to allow resentments, fears and self-seeking motives to warp that light.
When I began this process it was at if I were In a cave whose entrance had been blocked by the wreckage of an avalanche. The rocks of the past and negativity blocked me from leaving the cave. The sunlight of the spirit was on the other side and though I could see chinks of light shining through the gaps in these rocks of self protection, these mantles of victim hood, I did not have the strength to move the rocks. I wasn't sure if I could lift them and even if I could which one would I move first so as not to cause the pile to fall in on me.
Through the work that I have done since leaving rehab in March, I have moved these rocks from the mouth of the cave and emerged. I am walking in the valley of life, basking in the sunlight of the spirit and discovering the beauty of the world around me.
I look around me now and wish for other people to be given this gift of clarity. I can recognize now which of them is stuck in their own caves, lying to protect themselves. I know the smell of denial so well, like a bloodhound that sense in me is strong. I try to look those people in the eyes and listen without judging because cave dwelling is a bleak existence. I wish for them emergence and the opportunity to bask as I feel I am.
Friday, December 5, 2014
Dancing With Regret
Dancing With Regret
Dancing with regret is a phrase Frank used not to long ago in a conversation we had about the woulda, coulda, shouldas in life. He was wisely saying that dancing with regret was a dangerous thing to do. I could not agree more, but it is a dance we all are too familiar with and fall back into step with it when we are feeling weak of spirit.
It is a precarious act of balance that I do every day to acknowledge my past, remember the lessons it has taught me, and then step into the day without wallowing. If I am spiritually full and balanced then I can sashay into the day rather than trudge, but I am human and there are days I sway to the familiar rhythm of victim hood. It lulls me like not other music but I no longer want to be lulled by this old tune. I don't want to merely survive two-stepping in the background. I want to thrive in the spotlight with new music and new steps.
All this sounds good, but as with any form of art, it takes practice. That is why I write. That is why I meditate. That is why I share, speak, listen and contemplate things I never did before. That is why I keep learning and questioning. That is why I have brought forth my creative side, which I had buried for so long.
Writing was something I never did before. I saw myself as a singer and an actor. I still see that about myself, but I see also that I am so much more. More than a daughter, sister, wife, mother. I am a creative being, a woman, an alcoholic a friend, a student of life, a writer, a comedienne. I am full of labels yet I defy labels at the same time. I am large of spirit when I let myself.
So I am choosing today not to dance with regret but instead I am choosing to practice new moves. Jazz hands!
Dancing with regret is a phrase Frank used not to long ago in a conversation we had about the woulda, coulda, shouldas in life. He was wisely saying that dancing with regret was a dangerous thing to do. I could not agree more, but it is a dance we all are too familiar with and fall back into step with it when we are feeling weak of spirit.
It is a precarious act of balance that I do every day to acknowledge my past, remember the lessons it has taught me, and then step into the day without wallowing. If I am spiritually full and balanced then I can sashay into the day rather than trudge, but I am human and there are days I sway to the familiar rhythm of victim hood. It lulls me like not other music but I no longer want to be lulled by this old tune. I don't want to merely survive two-stepping in the background. I want to thrive in the spotlight with new music and new steps.
All this sounds good, but as with any form of art, it takes practice. That is why I write. That is why I meditate. That is why I share, speak, listen and contemplate things I never did before. That is why I keep learning and questioning. That is why I have brought forth my creative side, which I had buried for so long.
Writing was something I never did before. I saw myself as a singer and an actor. I still see that about myself, but I see also that I am so much more. More than a daughter, sister, wife, mother. I am a creative being, a woman, an alcoholic a friend, a student of life, a writer, a comedienne. I am full of labels yet I defy labels at the same time. I am large of spirit when I let myself.
So I am choosing today not to dance with regret but instead I am choosing to practice new moves. Jazz hands!
Wednesday, December 3, 2014
Screaming into the Abyss
Screaming into the Abyss
Depression and desperation are all too familiar aspects of my life. They have been strange bedfellows of mine for as long as I can remember. They became debilitating the first time, my freshman year in college and have revisited me regularly ever since.
When I get that familiar feeling I know exactly what will happen. I know I will have what feels like a hole in my gut. I know I will be incapable of stopping tears of grief, loss, frustration and sorrow from coming no matter how hard I try to stop them. I know I will want to call the same few people who have had to listen to this production over the years far too many times, just to hear their voices and have them attempt to staunch the flow of cascading emotions with a small band-aid of reassurance and understanding. All this happens every time I get depressed. It is like being trapped in a void and exhausting myself repeatedly by screaming into the abyss of my own soul. Even though I know that it isn't, every time feels worse than the last.
Dragons swoop down and begin a constant stream of lies and assertions. I weaken and begin to listen, repeating out loud the thoughts I know are not true. I hear myself saying, "I am all alone", "No one loves me, nor should they", "They would all be better off without me", "I can't do this anymore, I can't go on", "It isn't fair", "There is no hope". The list of lies goes on and on and this is all my ego talking. Not in the typical sense of ego that most people think of, but it is my ego nonetheless.
I often ask myself these days why we have an ego. It seems to me that it is involved in all of my problems. Not the cause or even the root, but certainly it gets in the way of the solutions available to me.
There is a step three prayer that is used in twelve step programs that I know by heart and the following line is my new mantra: "relieve me of the bondage of self." If I can get out of my own thoughts, the ones that center around survival, gut reactions, defense mechanisms and the massaging of old wounds, I can start to think more clearly. If I can separate my "self" from situations, then I can begin to de-fog the windows around me and see more clearly.
When I relieve myself of this state of mind I can see my problems as equations that can be solved. I can see another person's point of view, I can turn desperation into action. It isn't easy, but it can be done.
Now when the familiar feelings of depression and desperation creep over me, I don't feel their effects any less, but I am able to remind myself that these feelings have ALWAYS been transient. They will ALWAYS pass. This time is NOT worse than last time.
Now as I stand in the void and scream into the abyss, my fear turns to rage and I begin to fight against the noise of the false prophets I have listened to for so long. My head turns toward the sky and the twinkling light of hope breaks through the clouds and I walk on.
Depression and desperation are all too familiar aspects of my life. They have been strange bedfellows of mine for as long as I can remember. They became debilitating the first time, my freshman year in college and have revisited me regularly ever since.
When I get that familiar feeling I know exactly what will happen. I know I will have what feels like a hole in my gut. I know I will be incapable of stopping tears of grief, loss, frustration and sorrow from coming no matter how hard I try to stop them. I know I will want to call the same few people who have had to listen to this production over the years far too many times, just to hear their voices and have them attempt to staunch the flow of cascading emotions with a small band-aid of reassurance and understanding. All this happens every time I get depressed. It is like being trapped in a void and exhausting myself repeatedly by screaming into the abyss of my own soul. Even though I know that it isn't, every time feels worse than the last.
Dragons swoop down and begin a constant stream of lies and assertions. I weaken and begin to listen, repeating out loud the thoughts I know are not true. I hear myself saying, "I am all alone", "No one loves me, nor should they", "They would all be better off without me", "I can't do this anymore, I can't go on", "It isn't fair", "There is no hope". The list of lies goes on and on and this is all my ego talking. Not in the typical sense of ego that most people think of, but it is my ego nonetheless.
I often ask myself these days why we have an ego. It seems to me that it is involved in all of my problems. Not the cause or even the root, but certainly it gets in the way of the solutions available to me.
There is a step three prayer that is used in twelve step programs that I know by heart and the following line is my new mantra: "relieve me of the bondage of self." If I can get out of my own thoughts, the ones that center around survival, gut reactions, defense mechanisms and the massaging of old wounds, I can start to think more clearly. If I can separate my "self" from situations, then I can begin to de-fog the windows around me and see more clearly.
When I relieve myself of this state of mind I can see my problems as equations that can be solved. I can see another person's point of view, I can turn desperation into action. It isn't easy, but it can be done.
Now when the familiar feelings of depression and desperation creep over me, I don't feel their effects any less, but I am able to remind myself that these feelings have ALWAYS been transient. They will ALWAYS pass. This time is NOT worse than last time.
Now as I stand in the void and scream into the abyss, my fear turns to rage and I begin to fight against the noise of the false prophets I have listened to for so long. My head turns toward the sky and the twinkling light of hope breaks through the clouds and I walk on.
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