Thursday, January 31, 2019

Embers


Embers

ember

[em-ber]
|

noun

a small live piece of coal, wood, etc., as in a dying fire.
embers, the smoldering remains of a fire.
           
Over the holidays I was sad and lonely for a variety of reasons.  The end of December marks the fun of Christmas but is followed shortly after on the 27th with the date of Liam’s death.  Frank and I married on December 29th so that date is also now somewhat bittersweet.  Frank had asked me if I would be alright if he took them on a trip over the New Year and I was happy they had the chance to go on what turns out to be an epic vacation with him but then I got sick and a friendship ended and I was much more on my own than I had anticipated would be the case. 
A close friend of mine runs a Bible study course from him home on Sunday mornings and I have been through the course twice before in the past four or so years.  In December, he asked me to join them one Sunday morning and sing for the people attending the course.  I agreed and forced myself to go even though I was feeling sad and down. 
I have learned over the years that when I am down I have to force myself to do things and to get out or feeling down will turn into depression before too long.  I am in a place now in recovery as a result of having gone through the steps in such a thorough way and finally gotten a very clear picture of myself, that I listen to my own advice now, I don’t just give it anymore.  The steps have allowed me to live in a place where I can have sadness but don’t get depressed; where I can worry but don’t get anxiety and where I can get scared but no longer live in fear.
So I showed up at my friend’s house and I sang “I am Not Alone” by Kari Jobe.  It is a beautiful song by a Christian artist and if you haven’t heard it, it is worth looking up.  I had not heard it before my friend introduced me to it and had me sing it at another event a few years ago.  It speaks to not feeling alone because God is always with you.  I sang it in the car once when I was trying to learn the words initially and Wren was with me.  When she heard it the first time, she cried.  She told me it made her think of her brother Liam and how she never got to meet him but he is always with her.
I don’t know what happened to me either, but I sang for the people in the room and one woman cried while I was singing it.  I made it through to the end of the song and then I burst into tears as I sat down afterwards.  It contains a powerful message and one I clearly needed at that moment. 
After I sang, I stayed to hear the pre-recorded sermon that the group watches and then discusses.  In the sermon, the pastor talked about embers on a fire.  He talked about how while the embers are on the fire they burn well, but if you take one off the fire, it begins to lose its heat and the fire in it begins to die, just as the dictionary definition above denotes.  He goes on to say though that if you put that same ember back on the fire with the other pieces of coal or wood, it will begin to burn again because it will draw heat and energy from the others.
It was a message I needed at the time.  All of it.  I needed the song and the sermon.  I was and am not alone and when I am feeling like and ember I need to find my fire again.  I need to find the people who feed my flames and build me up spiritually and emotionally not tear me down. 
Then because my fire is stronger I need to turn around and build up the heat in other dying embers.