EnChroma Glasses
I saw an advert for these glasses the other day on the internet and my interest was peaked enough to click in and watch the commercial. These glasses have been developed by an off shoot of a paint company and are for people with color blindness. I don't understand the technology behind them but the lenses in the glasses do what the eye does not in a person with color blindness and enables them to see colors as others do.
I thought these were pretty cool until I saw the response of people with color blindness when they tried them on and then I thought they were really cool. I know it was a commercial, but the reactions were priceless. These people were stunned and excited and awed by the prism of colors they had heard tell of but never experienced before and it made me think...
I feel as though I have constructed something like these glasses for myself by going through the steps and by working on myself. I don't ever think I have ever had a clear vision of myself until now. I have always put too much stock in what other people have said, in what other people think, in what I think they will say, on what I think they think and it has all been so distorting.
I have tried over the years to mold myself into what I thought I was supposed to be, how I thought I was supposed to act, how I was supposed to look. It is no surprise that I was unsuccessful and unhappy. It felt like trying to put pantyhose on when you are wet. It is a futile attempt, you will struggle and the hose will snag and you aren't going to look pretty when it's over.
I have found that being true to myself is the trick. I have started to do what I feel is right and not what I don't. Sometimes doing what I think is right for me does not always fall in line with what others think I should do and I am strong enough now to see that that is alright. In order to be my true self means that sometimes others will be frustrated and disappointed, but I am living without regrets. I move forward not intending any harm, taking responsibility and being honest. Sometimes my level of honesty doesn't always serve me well in all circumstances either, but I know that if I don't tell my truth, I will start to get a distorted view of myself again and that is something. I can't afford.
I have built my own set of EnChroma glasses over time and I know how brave I am, how strong I am, how wise I am, how well-intentioned and kind I am. I also know how damaged I was, how wrong I was, how badly I handled things in the past. These new glasses of mine balance all these things and allow me to see who I am now much more clearly.
Growing up I saw myself through my parents eyes and didn't like what they saw so I tried to change, to fix the image. In school I did the same when I saw myself through the eyes of my peers. When Frank and I married, I saw myself through his eyes and knew his vision of me had me on a pedestal so high I could not achieve it's elevation. Addiction brought me down in his eyes and I now have to be careful not to look at myself through his eyes because he is still angry and afraid and his vision of me right now is not always nice, nor is it balanced.
What I take away from this is that I have to concentrate on simply looking at myself through my own eyes and if that means I need to wear a pair of spiritual glasses, then so be it. When I wear those glasses I see sides to myself I knew were always there but I could never before bring into focus. The range of hues I see in myself is staggering and the pictures I can paint are now limitless.
Tuesday, April 28, 2015
Thursday, April 9, 2015
Keep Talking
Keep Talking
Our marriage counselor has been pushing us lately to make decisions. He is wanting more results and wants us to make clear to each other what our intentions are and what we are willing to do. I won't go into all the details, but we have a few sticking points that are stymying our diving into my moving home. None of them are small and none of them are easy and all of them are exhausting.
The facts are that there is a history there that contains both good and bad. We can trigger each other like nobody's business. There is an understandable lack of trust as a direct result of my actions during addiction. There is a lot of fear surrounding my not being able to promise there will be no relapse.
This is one of the major sticking points for sure. I want to be able to promise that with all my heart but would be lying if I did. I can no more promise that I won't relapse than I can that I won't get some other disease in the future, and I know for those not exposed to addiction, that is hard to understand. I CAN promise that I will do everything in my power, and I am, not to relapse, to live a more righteous life, to be spiritually sound and connected and to strive to be the best I can be, all of which slakes the thirst I have for falling back on my old ways of escape. I CAN say that I have no desire to escape today, that I love myself today and that I have no need nor want for mind altering substances and I was never able to say that before. I CAN say that I do desire to come home a stronger and more equal partner to a man I both love and admire. I CAN say that I desire to do so only when we can take a leap of faith and that I don't want to lose myself in the process.
I do lose hope sometimes. I do find it hard to keep going over and over what has happened and examine all the feelings that crop up for us both. It is exhausting to go to marriage counseling week after week. There are days I want to throw in the towel and give up.
The other night when I was tucking Dermot into bed he asked me when I was coming home. I told him that I couldn't answer that question yet but that Daddy and I were talking all that through. Dermot looked up at me and said, "I guess driving us needs to come first and then moving in. Well keep talking Mom. Talk for six hours at a time if you have to, but just keep talking."
So when the marriage counselor gave us an assignment on discernment that he uses to make major life decisions which is a faith based praying model, I looked at it. It took me a few weeks but I looked at it. I wrote about it for myself. I meditated on it last night. I asked Joe for what he thought I should do and he basically told me as he wiped down the diner counter that "The kid has more sense than the both of you put together."
So for all our sakes and perhaps Dermot in particular, I plan to just keep talking no matter how hard, how tiring. There is history of bad and good in our story, but it is the good I plan to highlight going forward and that good contains Dermot and Wren and we owe them this fight.
Our marriage counselor has been pushing us lately to make decisions. He is wanting more results and wants us to make clear to each other what our intentions are and what we are willing to do. I won't go into all the details, but we have a few sticking points that are stymying our diving into my moving home. None of them are small and none of them are easy and all of them are exhausting.
The facts are that there is a history there that contains both good and bad. We can trigger each other like nobody's business. There is an understandable lack of trust as a direct result of my actions during addiction. There is a lot of fear surrounding my not being able to promise there will be no relapse.
This is one of the major sticking points for sure. I want to be able to promise that with all my heart but would be lying if I did. I can no more promise that I won't relapse than I can that I won't get some other disease in the future, and I know for those not exposed to addiction, that is hard to understand. I CAN promise that I will do everything in my power, and I am, not to relapse, to live a more righteous life, to be spiritually sound and connected and to strive to be the best I can be, all of which slakes the thirst I have for falling back on my old ways of escape. I CAN say that I have no desire to escape today, that I love myself today and that I have no need nor want for mind altering substances and I was never able to say that before. I CAN say that I do desire to come home a stronger and more equal partner to a man I both love and admire. I CAN say that I desire to do so only when we can take a leap of faith and that I don't want to lose myself in the process.
I do lose hope sometimes. I do find it hard to keep going over and over what has happened and examine all the feelings that crop up for us both. It is exhausting to go to marriage counseling week after week. There are days I want to throw in the towel and give up.
The other night when I was tucking Dermot into bed he asked me when I was coming home. I told him that I couldn't answer that question yet but that Daddy and I were talking all that through. Dermot looked up at me and said, "I guess driving us needs to come first and then moving in. Well keep talking Mom. Talk for six hours at a time if you have to, but just keep talking."
So when the marriage counselor gave us an assignment on discernment that he uses to make major life decisions which is a faith based praying model, I looked at it. It took me a few weeks but I looked at it. I wrote about it for myself. I meditated on it last night. I asked Joe for what he thought I should do and he basically told me as he wiped down the diner counter that "The kid has more sense than the both of you put together."
So for all our sakes and perhaps Dermot in particular, I plan to just keep talking no matter how hard, how tiring. There is history of bad and good in our story, but it is the good I plan to highlight going forward and that good contains Dermot and Wren and we owe them this fight.
Tuesday, April 7, 2015
A Most Noble Pyramid Scheme
A Most Noble Pyramid Scheme
Lest anyone think that I am spiritually sound every single moment of the day, let me assure you that I struggle to do the right thing often. I have that voice in my head that tells me to just be lazy and not do the chore ahead that needs to be done. I have that voice in my head that says I deserve to take time off from the things that keep me moving forward in a more healthy way. I have that voice in my head that whispers lies and promises titillating oases of ego-stroking self-indulgences. I used to listen to that voice and that voice alone.
That voice is still there and I have to make a conscious effort to tune it out. I have to change the channel and find one which promises redemption rather than indulgence. The music is sweeter and softer, but the song is beautiful and longer-lasting.
There are days when I am tired and I don't want to go to a meeting or meet a person from the program for coffee or drive to a rehab and speak. I used to cave and not go, sitting instead in glorious self-indulgence and trying to enjoy the stolen time but all the while wallowing in guilt.
Now, when, in those moments of pause, I consider not doing what it right, I see the links in the chain. I see the person whom I have agreed to meet for coffee, I see the people in the chairs in the rehab sitting and waiting, I see my sponsor's face and the faces of those who have offered their hands down and back to pull me up and forward and I get it and I go and I never regret it. I never regret making the meeting or the coffee or the session or the reading or the speaking. I do regret those times that I bail out of my responsibilities.
It strikes me that it is all a pyramid scheme of the most noble kind. I am a link in a chain of goodness and I have to keep my link strong. My sponsee needs my time and energy and patience. My fellow meeting makers need me as much as I need them. There are days I listen and gain from the wisdom imparted and there are days I impart that wisdom and there are people there who may need to hear what I have to say just as I need to hear their pearls.
Even my sponsor needs my participation. In giving she is receiving. The more she is able to give, the stronger her recovery. Her husband said to me once as we wrestling over paying a diner bill that he would let me this time because he had learned early on that you need to "share in the blessings". In that comment he wasn't really talking about the food bill, he was speaking on a grander level. You can't always be the giver nor can you always be the receiver. You have to allow others the gift of giving as well, it is as valuable a stance as receiving.
So I will give and receive, strengthen my link and participate in this wonderful spiritual ponzi scheme!
Lest anyone think that I am spiritually sound every single moment of the day, let me assure you that I struggle to do the right thing often. I have that voice in my head that tells me to just be lazy and not do the chore ahead that needs to be done. I have that voice in my head that says I deserve to take time off from the things that keep me moving forward in a more healthy way. I have that voice in my head that whispers lies and promises titillating oases of ego-stroking self-indulgences. I used to listen to that voice and that voice alone.
That voice is still there and I have to make a conscious effort to tune it out. I have to change the channel and find one which promises redemption rather than indulgence. The music is sweeter and softer, but the song is beautiful and longer-lasting.
There are days when I am tired and I don't want to go to a meeting or meet a person from the program for coffee or drive to a rehab and speak. I used to cave and not go, sitting instead in glorious self-indulgence and trying to enjoy the stolen time but all the while wallowing in guilt.
Now, when, in those moments of pause, I consider not doing what it right, I see the links in the chain. I see the person whom I have agreed to meet for coffee, I see the people in the chairs in the rehab sitting and waiting, I see my sponsor's face and the faces of those who have offered their hands down and back to pull me up and forward and I get it and I go and I never regret it. I never regret making the meeting or the coffee or the session or the reading or the speaking. I do regret those times that I bail out of my responsibilities.
It strikes me that it is all a pyramid scheme of the most noble kind. I am a link in a chain of goodness and I have to keep my link strong. My sponsee needs my time and energy and patience. My fellow meeting makers need me as much as I need them. There are days I listen and gain from the wisdom imparted and there are days I impart that wisdom and there are people there who may need to hear what I have to say just as I need to hear their pearls.
Even my sponsor needs my participation. In giving she is receiving. The more she is able to give, the stronger her recovery. Her husband said to me once as we wrestling over paying a diner bill that he would let me this time because he had learned early on that you need to "share in the blessings". In that comment he wasn't really talking about the food bill, he was speaking on a grander level. You can't always be the giver nor can you always be the receiver. You have to allow others the gift of giving as well, it is as valuable a stance as receiving.
So I will give and receive, strengthen my link and participate in this wonderful spiritual ponzi scheme!
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)