Screaming into the Abyss

Screaming into the Abyss

Depression and desperation are all too familiar aspects of my life.  They have been strange bedfellows of mine for as long as I can remember.  They became debilitating the first time, my freshman year in college and have revisited me regularly ever since.
When I get that familiar feeling I know exactly what will happen.  I know I will have what feels like a hole in my gut.  I know I will be incapable of stopping tears of grief, loss, frustration and sorrow from coming no matter how hard I try to stop them.  I know I will want to call the same few people who have had to listen to this production over the years far too many times, just to hear their voices and have them attempt to staunch the flow of cascading emotions with a small band-aid of reassurance and understanding.  All this happens every time I get depressed.  It is like being trapped in a void and exhausting myself repeatedly by screaming into the abyss of my own soul.  Even though I know that it isn't, every time feels worse than the last.
Dragons swoop down and begin a constant stream of lies and assertions.  I weaken and begin to listen, repeating out loud the thoughts I know are not true.  I hear myself saying, "I am all alone", "No one loves me, nor should they", "They would all be better off without me", "I can't do this anymore, I can't go on",  "It isn't fair", "There is no hope".  The list of lies goes on and on and this is all my ego talking.  Not in the typical sense of ego that most people think of, but it is my ego nonetheless.
I often ask myself these days why we have an ego.  It seems to me that it is involved in all of my problems.  Not the cause or even the root, but certainly it gets in the way of the solutions available to me.
There is a step three prayer that is used in twelve step programs that I know by heart and the following line is my new mantra: "relieve me of the bondage of self."  If I can get out of my own thoughts, the ones that center around survival, gut reactions, defense mechanisms and the massaging of old wounds, I can start to think more clearly.  If I can separate my "self" from situations, then I can begin to de-fog the windows around me and see more clearly.
When I relieve myself of this state of mind I can see my problems as equations that can be solved.  I can see another person's point of view, I can turn desperation into action.  It isn't easy, but it can be done.
Now when the familiar feelings of depression and desperation creep over me, I don't feel their effects any less, but I am able to remind myself that these feelings have ALWAYS been transient.  They will ALWAYS pass.  This time is NOT worse than last time.
Now as I stand in the void and scream into the abyss, my fear turns to rage and I begin to fight against the noise of the false prophets I have listened to for so long.  My head turns toward the sky and the twinkling light of hope breaks through the clouds and I walk on.