There was an exercise we did in rehab that I remember bringing me great insight. I actually had many epiphanies over the weeks there which was incredible but this one made so much sense to me that I remind myself of it often when I start to drift into negative thinking. It wasn't the same for everyone because I think perspective plays a much larger part in our lives than we think but my perspective this last time around was to get as much out of the experience as I could.
The relapse unit spent the day off site at a camp ground. It was a log cabin with a fire place and couches. We spent the day hiking, meeting and having lunch there. One of the exercises began with each person being handed a piece of paper with instructions on it. We were told to read the instructions, not share them with anyone and begin the activity as a group, but do so without talking. I am going to give away at least my part of it and I am sorry if you end up having to do this in therapy one day, but bear with me. We were given a floor puzzle to put together. It was a series of interlocking lizard pieces that went together in a very specific manner. My instructions were to pick one piece from the pile, place it in the puzzle and then not let anyone else move it.
So there is a group of maybe 15 of us, all with different instructions trying to put this puzzle together, we aren't allowed to talk and there are many ways to put the puzzle together but only one right way... Oh yes and we are all alcoholics and addicts withdrawing from our drugs of choice! Lovely.
We managed to stay quiet for a few minutes, but then one person here would try and speak then another over there would mutter under his breath. One lady announced she was tired and sat down. After a few minutes one guy blew up and stated that he thought this was all bullshit before he stormed outside for a cigarette and then there is me in the middle staunchly holding my piece in place forcing everyone else to build the puzzle around me. They were huffing and glaring and generally shooting daggers in my general direction. I have to tell you, I was nervous, shaking, sweating and upset. Then is the middle of all this discomfort a lightbulb went off inside my head. THIS was EXACTLY how I felt growing up in my family THIS was EXACTLY how I felt at family gatherings as an adult. I am simply not good at family dynamics.
What I came to realize while sitting in the middle of the woods in a log cabin with my finger on a blue lizard puzzle piece, was that I am terribly co-dependent. I could not relax if I thought someone else was uncomfortable. If someone was upset, I was upset; if someone was unhappy, I was unhappy; and conversely, if someone was happy I MIGHT allow myself to be happy, but all the stars would have to be aligned first.
Let me tell you, this is not a good way to live. You are doomed from the start if your emotions are tied to what you perceive are the intentions and emotions of another. You have to consider always what your perception of your own emotions is, you have to consider always what your intentions are. Co-dependency at this masters level is a seemingly selfless outlook but it is actually truly self-centered. I would spend all my time worried about why someone was upset. Invariably I found a way to make it all my fault. I had done something, I hadn't done something, I had said something, I hadn't said something. I was a ping ping ball of guilt, shame and blame all inside my own head without knowing all the facts or even asking. I crushed myself down daily with all of this and guess what... It just simply wasn't all about me.
Now I TRY to not go down this rabbit hole anymore, but it IS my default I am finding that I often have to repeat this mantra in my head over and over when I am with family and friends and all is not honky dory. If I think I am about to turn into Alice in Wonderland... I says ah to myself, "remember the lizard puzzle, remember the lizard puzzle..." After all during the exercise, I had done my part, I knew the truth of the words on my piece of paper and others' reactions to the game were more a reflection on them than they were on me.
My therapist says that if someone has to be upset that he chooses you. I get that and I can appreciate the sentiment. I don't really want to be quite that cut throat, but perhaps if someone is going to be upset, I don't have to join them if I can help it. His point to me the other day was, say you are with a friend and they do something that bothers you. You can either sit and fester over it with them having no idea that what they have done upsets you, or you can talk to them about it and maybe clear the air or at the very least you share the discomfort and don't own it alone. There is a saying in my 12 step program that I love which is, "Hanging onto a resentment is like taking rat poison and expecting the other person to die."
I try now to say when things are uneven or shaky between myself and another person that they are free to talk to me about it. I don't accept so much what a third party says about how they feel. If someone has a problem with me I hope they will tell me themselves. I never thought I would feel that way mind you. I looked in the past at confrontation as Armageddon. Now I can recognize that it might not be fun, but confrontation is not going to break me. It never was I just didn't understand that I am far stronger than I gave myself credit for. I have faced Armageddon on the day that Liam died in my arms and I am still standing, though on fawn's legs for now, but standing nonetheless.
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