There Is Freedom In Discipline

There is Freedom in Discipline

If you are following this blog about my journey into healing, you will have now noticed that I have come out of the closet in a rather spectacular fashion.  I am flamingly in recovery, wearing a neon pink, sequined top of self discovery and a long feather boa of good intent.  I have heard from many that what I am writing about; my flaws and and my past shame, has been a help and a few are asking for my advice.
I am uncomfortable yet to state definitively that what I am doing should be emulated.  I don't for example urge people to tell everyone in their world that they are in recovery.  I have been lucky that no one has turned their back on me (that I am aware of) but I think for some it could be a dangerous endeavor.  My new job is not one where I could really be threatened with dismissal for my past, but other careers would not be conducive to such openness, like doctors or pilots for example.  Some of the people I now work with already know that I am an alcoholic as I managed to keep my mouth shut on the subject for a whopping three days.  It came up in a political discussion that one of my co-workers was having, largely with himself where he actually said that he thought people with addiction should be penalized and he didn't buy the concept that it is a disease... Well I just could not stay quiet on that one.  He said something along the lines of, "what do you say to that miss liberal?"  You can imagine the bend the conversation took from there.   Let me state that I really like this man.  I am fine that he does not see things the way I do, but I did tell him that I was an alcoholic and I was one of the faces of addiction and that I could assure him that is it a physical and spiritual disease of the mind and body.  He was pretty quiet after that, but actually really cool about it... at least to my face.  Another co-worker involved in the conversation approached me later to tell me that her father and her daughter's father had both died from the result of what their own addictions had done to their bodies and told me she thought I was brave for being honest.
Now it worked out well. But it could have gone horribly wrong.  Both my marriage counselor and my own therapist were aghast that I had said something so soon after starting this new job.  In their experience and opinion I had been rash.  I have come to see their advice as just that, advice I can chose to take or not.  For example my own therapist urged me months ago to get a lawyer when dealing with Frank.  I obviously did not listen and aren't we all glad that I didn't?  He admits now that I made the right choice.  I don't disregard everything they say, but I ask myself (and Joe) what makes sense to the true me.  Will I be able to sleep at night if I do such and such?  Will I need to make amends for something if I do it?  I am getting better at using my inner compass and there are things I am doing that are making it easier for me to read my personal GPS.  I don't have to hear her say,  "re-calculating" nearly as often as I used to.
I get up early now.  Earlier than I did before I fell to pieces.  I am up at 5:30 in the morning most days.  I write in my journal which entails asking myself a series of questions about the previous day.  Questions like, what was the hardest part of the day, who brightened that day, what are my goals for the coming day etc...  I note the weather and the headlines and I note something that strikes me from whichever daily reflection book I chose to read that day.  I read the same passage from my 12 step book that my sponsor requires and I do it to set the right tone for the day.  It is a passage that talks about asking yourself a series of questions about your actions and encourages prayer and meditation.  Then I say an actual prayer and do some writing before getting ready and going to work.  I attend my home group meeting every Friday night which necessitates me driving over an hour one way.  I go to other meetings over the weekend and sometimes during the week if I feel I need the fellowship.
There are other things I do now that I never did before.  I look people in the eye, I offer them my undivided attention as much as possible and I listen much more than I ever did.  I tell the truth first to myself and then to others.  I also take the time to reflect on why someone might be doing something that may rub me the wrong way.  If I can turn it around and remove my ego from the scenario then I can usually find a reason to empathize with them and walk away hoping they are able to feel better about themselves.  I am in no way good at these things all the time.  I am not always patient, I am not always empathetic, I am not always able to be honest with myself straight away.  I am not always able to remove the ego that has acted as my armor for so long, but I am trying and that makes all the difference.
I will continue to do these things and others that keep me free from going back down the tunnel of self destruction I have fallen into repeatedly in the past.  So if you are asking me for advice, all I can really say is that there is a certain amount a freedom in discipline.  You find what is working for you and you keep doing it.  I am like the schizophrenic patient who begins a regime of medication and when feeling better decides they no longer need it only to fall back into the darkness of their disease.  If I stop taking my spiritual medicine, I will be sick of heart in short order and will repeat the insanity of my addictive past.