The Great Equalizer
I
used to think I was open-minded and accepting.
After addiction hit and I staggered into recovery, I realized I wasn't
as accepting as I had thought. I have
found a new level of openness in my life since rehab. I now try very hard not to look at the
outside of someone and allow them to reveal themselves to me through actions
and speech. I try to listen to their
story and let go of as many pre-conceived notions as I can.
In
August 2012 I entered my first rehab at a relatively famous facility in New
England. I spent five days in detox
being closely monitored as I my shaking and sweating waned. Alcohol is one of the most dangerous drugs to
detox from as people can seize from the withdrawal. It is not the most physically challenging,
but it is one of the most dangerous. In
any case my body may have begun to heal, but my mind and emotions were no where
near yet even under repair. I cried constantly and I was deeply afraid. Afraid of what I had done, afraid of where I
was, afraid or what came next, afraid of myself.
I
was moved from detox to the women's house for the next 28 days. I went to a group therapy session before I
had met any of the other women in the house and was told that I would be
rooming with Claire (her name has been changed for the purpose of this
article). Someone else said, "Oh,
isn't she the one who just came out of jail?" Further into the conversation I learned that
Claire had not only come to rehab directly from prison, but that she was also a
heroin addict.
Well
if I had been scared before, this information thrust me to a new level of dread
and apprehension. What I found later
when I entered our room, was a rather severe looking young woman with tattoos
and darkly dyed gothesque hair. Then she
opened her mouth and started talking and my preconceptions started to melt
away. She turned out to be a sweet,
thoughtful young woman just trying to get over her feelings of displacement,
inadequacy and rejected individuality.
She is one of the most intelligent people I know, thinks deeply and is
remarkably creative. She is also
hysterically funny. We had significant
conversations at night and began rising together and enjoying the quiet early
morning hours before the chaos of all the house's clashing female hormones got
into full swing for the day. We also
giggled a LOT.
We
had embarked on a friendship that is still going today. I was forced into a situation I know I would
never have had without being brought to my knees by addiction. My feelings about heroin users was
arrogant. I thought for some reason that
being an alcoholic was somehow better than being a heroin user and that is a
notion held by many other alcoholics and addicts. Unfortunately even among others in recovery
IV drug users are often discriminated against by their own kind. I shake my head at it now, but it took
getting to know Claire to realize that I had a long way to go to become the
welcoming person I thought I had been.
After all alcohol is a drug and a drug is a drug is a drug...
Another
young woman in the house was Marilyn (again her name has been changed). I forget what her drug of choice was, but
there were many in her repertoire. She
was a bubbly, funny, sweet lady who had been led down a dark and dangerous
path. She had most recently been a
stripper and I suspect it brought her to actions she wished it hadn't. For all that, she had an innocence about her
that made me want to mother her.
She
remains one of my favorite people from the house. She is doing so well now. She has a toddler and a healthy relationship
with a man who sees her as her and not her past. She is in school and working her way to a
degree in the field of health and I could not be more proud to know her and
watch her blossom.
If
you had told me a few years ago that I would befriend a recently jailed heroin
addict and a stripper I would have laughed at you. The fact remains that unlike people,
addiction does not discriminate. It does
not care about your race, gender, sexual identity, socio-economic class or level
of education. Addiction will embrace
anyone with the open arms of empty promises and sweet convincing lies.
No
longer do I feel that there is much of a gulf between me and people who have
been incarcerated. As they say,
"but for the Grace of God go I."
I believe in that concept deeply now because I know how this disease
takes over your moral compass and passes you into a Bermuda Triangle of lost
values, lack of self esteem and abdication of responsibilities. It is honestly a miracle that I was not
arrested for drunk driving and NO ONE can control themselves in a black out, if
you think you can, you have some serious denial issues to work on.
Now
I listen to people first and assess later.
I ask to hear their stories and open my heart as well as my ears before
deciding how to view them. Even when I
find someone to be difficult to deal with, I remind myself that we all have
stories and not everyone has been blessed with the chance at self reflection
that I have. I honestly believe that we
all have good somewhere inside us but more often than not when we do something
we regret it is because we have blocked ourselves from letting that good
out. Drugs will block all that out. Drugs will make your innate goodness seem
like a foggy distant memory, like a word on the tip of your tongue, you know
you know it, but you just can't quite access it.
We
all want acceptance and to be seen for who we really are. We aren't all that different from each other,
not really. I have a new respect for people with tattoos and I secretly really
want one myself (I even know what I would get!). It took Claire and Marilyn to
show me that if you don't want to be judged, then don't judge others. More often than not you will be pleasantly
surprised by what you find if you look someone in the eye and really search for
the person inside. In the act of
searching for understanding of others, you will find something out about
yourself as well and in that process bring yourself to further accept the you
that is you.
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