I's So Easy to Forget

It's So Easy To Forget

I heard from an old friend the other night and it was so lovely.  Actually since starting to write this blog I have heard from a lot of old friends and new ones.  I have had visits and calls and texts and cards...  It has been a refreshing and sometimes shocking reminder that I am loved, cared for and cherished by more people than I had given myself and those who care about me credit for.
Why don't we reach out more than we do?  Why don't we tell people that we care about them more often?  Perhaps it is that we don't think that doing so will make a difference.  Perhaps we don't realize the power of the action.  Perhaps we don't think the person needs to hear that they are on our minds, that they make an impact on those around them.  Perhaps we just have forgotten to reach out because we are all so busy.  I don't know, I don't do it often enough myself but I can tell you that it has made a great impact on me over the past few months.  I have one friend who sent me cards and cards and cards while I was at the recovery house.  I have them all and I look at them sometimes when I am feeling down.  She told me just this morning via Facebook message that there is yet another one on the way and I am looking forward to seeing it in my mailbox.
Another friend (actually several now that I think about it) told me she was shocked that I had relapsed, she said she thought I had this thing called life...  I can assure you that I don't.  Lest anyone reading this blog thinks that I am skipping through life and recovery with a constant grin on my face full of spirituality, serenity and confidence, let me assure you that I so am not.  I have moments of those things, but more often than not I am on shaky ground just trying to keep my footing.  But when I get a reminder from people that care for me, that I matter, my balance gets somewhat restored.  I am able to steady myself a little faster and to remember that I am worth it and that moving forward is not easy, but I am not alone.
I was talking to yet another old friend via Facebook message the other day about someone else in her life that suffers from addiction.  She was frustrated that her friend seems to not be able to be honest with herself about where she is in her addiction and what it has done to those around her.  I used the example when writing to her that recovery is like climbing a mountain without a rope.  Redemption is the apex but destruction lies at the base.  You reach a certain ledge and can be too afraid to make a move, but to me that ledge is a plateau of fear I no longer wish to cling to.  It takes knowing yourself enough and valuing yourself enough to face yourself honestly.  Addiction aside, we are all that vulnerable and sometimes our inner sense of value is not enough.  Even a small reminder from someone outside ourselves can tip the scale and help us restore the balance we so desperately need.
I think about Robin Williams often at the moment.  I know some will be tired of hearing about his death and I get that, but it is such an example of how isolated people can be inside their own heads.  Suffering from depression over the years I so understand how you can be surrounded by people and yet feel completely alone.  I understand how much of an effort it can be to just get out of bed and take a shower.  I understand how heavy your own thoughts can make the day and how easy it is to forget that you are loved.
Robin Williams was a man who seemingly had it all.  He had skads of people who loved him.  He had a purpose, he used his talent and made a living from it, he had a family, children and a wife, friends and admirers.  Yet somehow, he felt alone.  Somehow he felt he could not go on.  Somehow he thought that those who cared for him could not help.  Or even worse, perhaps he felt he was not worth saving.
I made a decision after I got that touch from my old friend the other night.  I made a pact with myself to reach out to a friend each week.  I am going to pick someone from my vast list of contacts and perhaps once a week make a call, send a card, write a text, dispatch an e-mail.  I want to pay it forward.  I want to spread that sort of bonhomie.  I want someone else to feel as loved as I do, to feel as connected, as cherished, as simply thought of.  I don't want the people in my life to forget, because it is so easy to do so, that they matter, that they have made an impact, that they are enough and that they have made my life better simply by being.