I get up early now. I got up early in the past, was always the first one up, but I get up really early now. I usually wake up on my own around five in the morning, sometimes earlier. I get up and write, get myself together, ease my soul into the day. This last Saturday morning I didn't wake up until the alarm went off at 6:00 AM.
I had set it on the off chance that I might not wake in time to get to the 7:00 AM meeting I like to go to on Saturday. I hit snooze and when it went off again, I hit snooze again. When it went off a third time I went into internal debate mode. I could skip the meeting and get some much needed sleep. I would be fine, I wouldn't miss much. Then I remembered a woman I had had coffee with earlier in the week and how she is in rather dire straights. She is relapsing frequently and about to lose everything. About to lose her marriage, her kids, her home. I can relate to her pain and struggle on a very fundamental level and I knew she was counting on seeing me at that morning meeting. In short I felt guilty and dragged myself up and out the door.
I forgot to make myself coffee to go and decided to stop at Wawa for a cup to avoid the sludge they make at the clubhouse. I walked into Wawa and ran into not one, not two, but three other meeting goers while I was there. One woman came up to me as we were both filling our cups and said, "How do you do it?" I asked for clarification, not understanding in my foggy morning mind and wondering honestly if she need help pouring! She said, "How are you living away for your family, working and taking care of yourself and being positive about it all?" Well I wasn't expecting that.
I wanted to say "I don't really have a choice." In fact I think I may have said that at first and then corrected myself. Because the most basic thing about my life right now is that I DO have a choice. I have a choice about everything I do today. It does not change the fact that there are things about my life that are not what I would necessarily wish for myself, but how I react to that is absolutely a choice.
When Frank asked me not to come home I was full of ego defenses and my familiar uniform of victim clothing. That victim uniform is so comfortable. It is like an old pair of jeans, I can fit right into that pair of jeans and make myself right at home. I can hold onto the victim outfits of "victim of incestuous molestation" or "victim of the loss of a child" or "victim of addiction." I know those uniforms very well, I've worn some of them for a long time. I started to want a new wardrobe. One more suited to my core being. Better fitting clothes that enhance my figure rather than hiding it.
I at first acted as if all these situational things coming out of the recovery house were happening TO me. "HE says I can't come home. HE isn't being fair. HE is abandoning me. HE doesn't understand. How can HE do this to me." I said all these things aloud and in my head. Our marriage counselor kept saying to me "you are in victim mode and you have choices here." I told him more than once that Frank held all the power.
Then I started to listen to my sponsor's suggestion that I pray for Frank. I have mentioned before how praying for someone you are struggling with is a miracle. I still am unclear as to what I believe I terms of God, but I do know that praying for, or meditating about someone else enhances your understanding of what they are struggling with. I was able to start seeing things more from Frank's point of view and I could be more logical about how to talk to him about things. I was able to start accepting things as they were. I was able to start making choices.
So to answer her question, I am doing this by making choices everyday. You see I can either crumble or I can rise. This is a choice. I can get up in the morning and do the right thing. I can find myself a job, or two as the case may be. I can support myself. I can own my mistakes. I can make amends. I can be there for my kids in whatever capacity makes sense right now. I can listen to Frank and respect his healing process. I can take care of myself. I can reach out and help others. I can write and share what is going on. I can do the things I know help keep me sober. I can be positive about all of these things. I can get up and go to a meeting where I am needed and where I need, even when I am tired and want to keep hitting the snooze button.
I can shed my old uniform and try on a whole new wardrobe. I can do this and I can do this as a sober woman carrying herself with Grace and dignity. These are all choices.
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