Aiding and Abetting

Aiding and Abetting

I mentioned recently that I had spoken at a rehab.  I have done this a few times now and I will continue to do so.  A large part of the twelve steps revolves around giving back and in my twelve step program that means reaching out to other alcoholics.
It sounds very selfless and giving and good.  It is giving and good, but selfless it is not, at least not for me.  I hold by the fact that I get far more from speaking at the rehab, or at a meeting or answering a call or a query than the people on the other end.  I almost feel guilty about how good it feels to help.  I almost feel guilty about how inspired I get, how energized, how re-committed and how renewed.  It boggles my mind that I can stand in front of a group of people and tell them about the ugly things I have done, the desperation I have felt and the darkness I am walking through and that in doing so it is helpful to them.
It is staggering that it resonates with some of them, that they want to hear more, that they want my advice!  My advice?  I really can't wrap my head around that one...  There is part of me that wants to laugh and say, "You're kidding right?  I am chaos personified, I am an utter train wreck, you don't want to know what I think!"  But I don't, instead I chose now to find it to be a compliment.  It shows me through other people's eyes what I have always refused to see, a truer picture of myself.  I don't, as many of us don't, give myself much credit.  I have incredibly painful self-talk.  The way that I speak to myself is abhorrent.  I would never speak to people that I intensely dislike in the same fashion with which I speak to myself.
The term "gender dysphoria" is used to describe the psychological condition where a person is "discontented" by the gender they were born into.  I swear I was born with "Fiona Dysphoria."  I don't know how to be consistently happy with myself.  I am better at it now, but boy can I slip right back into self-condemnation on a dime when the stars are aligned.
Just like I have to remind myself that people care about me, that I am loved and appreciated by many, I have to remind myself that I am not too shabby a person really.  I am smart, funny, creative and loving.  I mean well and I am resilient.  I haven't given up and that in and of itself is a miracle.  The people I hold most important in my life know that I love them.  I am doing my best to right my wrongs and I am living in a state of honesty that I have never previously known.  Oh, yes, and I can sing.
So when I get up in front of others who are as low as I was about seven months ago and speak, it shows them that there is hope.  It shows them that there is a road ahead, there is a map and all is not lost.  The road sure doesn't look like I thought it would and I am not sure what the destination will be, but when I look back to where I was, I know that wherever that destination is, it is a damned site better than where I was.  When they tell me I have helped them it makes the fun house mirror image that I see come into focus and I can see me in all my glory, warts and all as they say.  I don't feel compelled to look away any longer.  I kind of dig my warts at the moment.  They don't define me but they give me depth, perspective and experience that I would not have without them.  So I will keep helping others because the more I give them, the more I gain and isn't that such a sweet paradox?