Praying Mantis

Female praying mantids sometimes eat their mates, starting by beheading them before they copulate...  It apparently makes the males better lovers when their heads are disconnected from their bodies.... I'll leave the second part of that little factoid there, though it is "food" for thought.
Why do I bring that up?  There is a connection there to what I am trying to write tonight.  I am a girl, which makes me very different from a boy.  A simple statement to be sure, and one that no one will argue.  Besides the basic structure of my body I am different because of my hormones.
I am guessing that many of the women who read this (and some of the men, though I don't think many would be wise to point it out) will be able to relate to the fact that every month when I get my period, it is like the first time... I start to get zits and I am shocked.  I feel bloated and I am shocked.  I am hungry, angry and tired and I am shocked.  I cry for less than the little reason that I usually need to cry and I am shocked.  Frank begins to accuse me of being a praying mantis and eating his head and this enrages me further and I am shocked.  I come to the same conclusion every month... It must be Legionnaire's Disease.
Seriously though, I am not very good at listening to my body.  I never liked to sit with myself for very long and be mindful of the things going on with me.  It was uncomfortable and scary to be alone with myself because in sitting still I would invariably be confronted with traumatic memories.
So I moved forward, firmly placing the past in the past not realizing that by ignoring it, I only made it stronger.  I am actually rather good at disconnecting.  I will forget facts, figures, book plots and experiences that I have had of things that have occurred, and this happens often.  Frank will remember far more of the moments that make me uncomfortable than I do.  It is actually quite frightening.  I don't think I am crazy,  and I know I am an intelligent person, I think I learned early in life to disassociate as it was a coping mechanism.  I have to unlearn the habit.
This sort of numbing I think extended to a lot of things including my physicality.  I also hate to exercise, or at least I did.  Still have a hard time with eating well, have a lot to learn there.  I have Frank to thank for setting the bar on exercise and involving the kids as he has...  His physical transformation is inspirational on its own, but the kids' excitement about exercise is more impressive still.  That is what is making exercise fun for me now, that and supportive friends who accompany me.  And now that I am getting better at sitting with myself and not wanting to scream, these other things are starting to fall into place slowly.
Both men and women can be addicts, clearly.  Something like 40 percent of reported alcoholics are women.  As it has been found in most of the areas of medicine, men and women often have different treatment needs and hormones play a large part in those needs.  Women absorb alcohol differently than men and tend to get drunker faster and in an obvious correlation, they become addicted much faster than men.  They also tend to relapse when they have PMS... Guess what?  That's when my relapses occurred...
Pile on top of all of the above that I had gastric bypass surgery in 2010, a traumatic childhood and a history of alcoholism in the family; well it's kind of a "duh" moment isn't it?
There are new and alarming statistics coming out connecting alcoholism as an after effect of gastric bypass surgery, especially in women.  The surgery further changes the way we metabolize alcohol and we get drunker faster.  Now they warned me that it was a risk going in and I thought I could handle it, but then I really wanted it all to work out so it was easy to convince myself it would be ok.  The weight started coming off and then I started feeling better about myself and more confident.  We moved to Annapolis which is a lovely town but is the booziest place I have ever lived and we had a lot of fun at first.  Before I knew it was a problem, it was a problem.  I thought for a while that my sweats and weight gain were because of peri-menopause.  By the time I realized it was my drinking, I was beyond the point of no return in any decent fashion and my addiction had taken over my mind and sound reason.
I am not blaming my addiction on the surgery, but I do think it hastened my decent into the void.  Now when I speak at rehabs I mention the surgery and several heads among the women listening snap to attention, because they are in the same boat.
So what do I do now... I can't reverse the surgery,  I can't relive my childhood, I can't remove all the pain I have caused, I can't go back to "normal" drinking.  I have to grow up and start truly listening to my body.  I have to recognize that what works for the men I know in recovery may not work for me.  I need to chart my cycle, recognize the signs before they become a problem.  I started seeing a psychiatrist who treats women with addiction and she has made a huge difference.  She has me tracking my cycle (imagine that) and interestingly she has me munching on Tums with calcium halfway through my cycle because calcium helps reduce the symptoms of PMS.
I guess I am just trying to impart of bit of what I have learned the hard way.  Exercise makes me feel better so I must keep it up.  Eating better makes me feel better so I must keep it up.  Sitting with my emotions and not always "reacting" makes life easier for all involved.  Learning what hormonal shifts can do to my mood will save me putting myself in danger of relapse.  These are all things the women reading this can use to their benefit I hope...  The men too.. though best you not try and point out the obvious to the women in your life or you may be headless before you know it.  In the meantime I am buying stock in Tums with Calcium.