To Infinity And Beyond

To Infinity and Beyond

Let's talk about fear for a moment.  I don't mean fear of heights or spiders or enclosed spaces.  I'm talking about fundamental fears.  Fear of abandonment, rejection, loss, success, failure, judgment, betrayal... The list goes on.
I picture, have begun to believe, that we all have souls.  We are born naked in the eyes of the universe.  We have no preconceived notions, no set programming on how to react to anything but primal needs.  If you have ever really watched a child grow and I mean really watched them, then you will likely have been amazed at the wonder they express at the most basic of things.  They are intrinsically innocent and beautifully vulnerable.  We were all like that once.
Then as we age and have experiences, our souls begin to don small pieces of armor to protect us against the wrongs done to us and those we have done to others.  We begin to listen to the words people have said about us and the words we say about ourselves.  Our fears protect us.  It makes sense that we would arm ourselves, it is a tactical move of defense, a closing of the ranks to protect our flanks.
The problem with that strategy is that, often, we close ourselves off from listening to the music of the world around us.  There is a magic in the air we cannot see, hear or feel through the grills of a knight's helmet.  We can't move freely in stiff suits of armor.
As adults we are in a unique position of having the wisdom that comes with experience.  But so often our armor rusts at the joints and we are paralyzed in place by fear.  If we are truly brave, we will lay down our arms, face our fears and return to the vulnerability of our core self.  It is not as difficult as we have lead ourselves to believe.  I read a German proverb the other day that spoke to me. "Fear makes the wolf bigger than he is."  It could not be more true.
When I sit down to make an amends for example, I am afraid.  I inwardly shake as I tell someone what I have done, acknowledge their pain and accept my part in it.  I look this person in the eyes and a piece of my armor falls to the ground and I move more freely.  I am afraid of success.  I am afraid that if I do well, I will be given more responsibly than I can handle and I will inevitably fail but now I am learning to take my successes as they come and not ground them before they can fly.
I manage to face these kinds of fears today because I have stopped listening to that part of my mind that catalogs the hurts that I have endured.  I have stopped listening to the voices of those whose off-hand comments throughout the years told me I was less-than.  I have started to put down the self-truths I have held onto like shields.
A friend of mine in college took me with her on one of her trips home.  I spent a good deal of time with her family.  I remember cooking in the kitchen with her and her dad and I vividly remember us having a conversation about our futures.  Her father commented to us a both when we broached the subject of what my friend's future held, what she thought she might like to be...  He said in such a heartfelt way, "I am confident that you will be fine at what ever you chose to do.  You are unlimited."  Think about that for a moment.  How powerful a statement is that for a parent to make to a child?  What if we were able to tell ourselves that very same thing?  "I am unlimited."
  Recovery to me is like climbing a mountain without a rope.  The bottom of the mountain is the debris and chaos of addiction.  Getting sober, simply stopping drinking and going no further in allowing my soul to thrive, is like being on a ledge of fear half way up the mountain.  And the apex, the summit is spiritual freedom and redemption of epic proportions.  I chose not to be stuck on the ledge anymore, so I am reaching up to find handholds along the way.  Down is destruction, up is salvation but nesting on the ledge of stagnant fear is no way to live.