Benediction

“Benediction”

 

            This morning I woke up and lay in the dark and prayed before I even moved.  I said the third step prayer out loud to my empty bedroom so I would hear it with my own ears and so that my higher power would hear it also.  Today I have four years.

 

            I am writing this and I can’t really even wrap my head around that.  Partly because the journey is ongoing and this is just a marker along the path of a lifetime but partly because I never would have guessed four years ago that my life would have looked like this today.  My God am I lucky and my God am I thankful.

 

            This time four years ago I woke up in detox at Caron treatment center in a state of panic and dread.  The depths of the despair I felt then are difficult to describe but they rivalled the feelings I had when Liam died.  The difference was I had brought them on myself and I alone was to blame for the state of affairs and I alone could fix it but I didn’t think I could – or so I thought.

 

            By that point I had no self-worth.  I spoke to myself in a language of hate.  I shouted words at myself inside my head that dripped with disdain, disgust and anger.  I no longer knew who I was and I was trying, through substance abuse and other maladaptive behaviors, to reject my own soul. 

 

I had reached a point where I had relapsed enough that I did not think I would ever make it.  I had reached a point where I thought my children would be better off without me and that Frank and all the other people who cared about me and were trying so hard to make me well would be better off also.  I am not saying that to be dramatic and I had no plan to kill myself, but I had a sincere desire to wish myself out of existence.

 

            Something about the stay at Caron kindled a tiny spark of hope and I started to want to try again.  Then Frank put up some healthy boundaries.  I don’t know where he found the strength to do so, but he did.  At the time I was angry but I am ever so grateful to him now for doing so.  Those boundaries forced me into a recovery house.  That time in the recovery house forced me to look more closely at myself and it is where I found my sponsor and where I started working the steps that transformed my life and changed the way I see myself and the world.

 

            I then wrote a thorough fourth step that re-introduced me to my own soul.  Through that process I was able to see myself from all angles and accept the good along with the bad I had become so familiar with.  I saw myself clearly for the first time and began loving Fiona.

 

            So many things have happened over the course of these four years.  Some wonderful things and some things that have brought deep sadness.  But I am blessed with new perspective and a love for myself and life I never had before.

 

            I get to help people today and not hurt them.  What’s more, I am good at it.  And I no longer think people are better off without me, chief among them are my kids.

The Sweetest Burn

“The Sweetest Burn”

 

            I have mentioned before that addiction is the great equalizer.  I can go into a twelve-step meeting and be sitting in a room of people that span all races, creeds, religions, genders, socio-economic strata and sexual preferences…  I walk in as the mainline soccer mom and end up sitting next to a tattooed, Harley-riding, ex-con and I get just as much from what he has to say as I do from what the lawyer across from us does.

            I’ve learned to suspend judgement.  I try not to categorize people anymore because when I do, I lose some of the strength of their message, and everyone has one if you listen carefully enough.  As I get older I realize that most of what I used to think I knew to be true isn’t anymore.  I no longer think that you have to have money to be rich.  I no longer believe that you have to have a formal, higher education to be intelligent and informed.  I no longer think you have to have age to be wise.

            There is a woman in my twelve-step circle who has a light about her.  She is beautiful, inside and out.  She is soft-spoken and sweet, covered in tattoos and full of wisdom.  She is twenty-three.  I love when she comes to my home group because she brings with her a calmness and a quiet grace that makes me feel at home.  We often talk about getting together for coffee and never seem to manage to do so but we text back and forth every so often and I value her friendship.

            Not long ago she and I were checking in with one another via text and she asked me again about getting together and if we could do so at a specific time.  I had to turn her down because I was busy and I listed the many reasons why.  I complained that I had recovery, the kids, a full-time job, a part-time job and grad school and that it never ends.  I ended my text saying that sometimes I manage to sleep.  She texted me back with this simple phrase followed by two smiley face emojis and a heart…  “Awwww I’m sorry God blessed you with so much.”

            …it was the sweetest burn I have ever gotten… and I needed it. 

I need those reminders from time-to-time.  I need people like this woman in my life to remind me that I am right where I need to be and that I have so many reasons to be grateful and so many reasons to get up in the morning and so many reasons to be happy.

            I was off yesterday.  I was off, like many single people I think, because it was Valentine’s Day.  Though I know it is just a day like any other and I know that I am quite happy, I started feeling sorry for myself.  I am happier than I have been in years and I am loving living in my house and living my life with all that it has to richly offer me right now.  I do, however, get tired sometimes being alone.  I do, however, sometimes wish I was coming home at night to someone other than two angry cats.  Does this mean that I am ungrateful or weak?  No.  It means that I am human and it means that I am having normal emotions and that I am allowed to have a momentary pity-party. 

            I had class last night.  It is a class on treating complex trauma and it is hard.  I leave there every Wednesday night feeling drained.  There are weeks I feel like we have just read about my own past and though I am getting a lot out of the class and I know that I will be able to use what I am learning to help others, it exhausts me.  I got in my car and started to cry.  I prayed for about the fourth time that day and got on the phone to my sponsor.  We prayed together and I was talked down from my emotional ledge.  I went home, did some reading in the Big Book and went to bed because sometimes that is the best answer.  When I woke up this morning, the text that my friend sent me weeks ago popped into my mind almost straight away and so I sat down to write this piece.

            No, I am not in a relationship right now.  Yes I am single.  Yes it was Valentine’s Day yesterday.  But guess what?  I am so loved.  I have so many people in my life who care about me.  My kids, for one, are a part of my life and this time almost four years ago I was afraid they might not be.  I have deep friendships that continue to grow and expand and there are a vast array of people literally around the world who care what happens to me today.  So I can have an off day, but I am not going to stay in that space.  I am not going to allow myself to wallow in a place in my mind that doesn’t even paint a realistic picture of what my life actually looks like right now.  As my friend said, God has blessed me with so much.

Do Not Mistake My Tears for Weakness

 

“Do Not Mistake My Tears for Weakness”

 

            I cry when I am sad.  I also cry when I am happy, afraid, confused, excited, angry, overwhelmed and tired.  I cry when the wind blows.  I cry a lot.

            It’s possible that I have my own box of tissues at my home group and that there are tissues at my house, at my office and in my car.  It is a rare Monday night at my twelve-step-meeting that I don’t cry when I share; in fact I think people might be more concerned for me if I did NOT cry than if I did.  Frank used to tell people “I married a puddle.”  And if you want a real show, go with me to a wedding…

            One of my closest friends recently sent me a link to a short video about crying and what it can do for you psychologically, with the caption “looks like you are a warrior princess”.  Turns out that crying is really good for you and is a sign of strength.  Who knew?

            Crying relieves stress and releases toxins as well as hormones (got those in abundance so I get now how my body wants to release them!).  It is also a sign of resilience and strength.  Check out the article below for more on that.

            This was just a quick note as I got up early to study and was listening to music this morning while journaling and was in tears before 6 am.  I was laughing at myself and thinking that it was some kind of record and then quickly realized that it really isn’t.  I remembered what my friend had sent me the other day and wanted to share that if you feel like a good cry, don’t judge yourself; let loose… it turns out it's good for you.

 

https://theheartysoul.com/crying-personality-type/    

 

https://www.facebook.com/HealYourMindOfficial/videos/1922693397975619/

Diversify Your Portfolio

 

“Diversify Your Portfolio”

 

            I have learned, that in recovery, there are some things I can trust myself on and some things that I can’t. 

            I trust my gut about many things, but I also check myself religiously and often.  I do this by using the tools I have been given in recovery and the lessons I have learned through doing the steps.  I also turn to the people that I trust to check me because I know that my thinking can be warped at times, especially when emotions are involved.  My ego can swoop in and quickly wrest control of the steering wheel before I am completely aware of it and my emotions will depress the accelerator while I am distracted.  Before I know it I have gotten completely off –track and am going down a road that is not on God’s map.

            I have a handful of people on my “favorites” list on my phone.  I auto-dial these people to check myself on a regular basis.  Among them are my sponsor, my closest girlfriends from various periods of my life, Frank and a close friend from my 12-step-program.  I have countless other numbers I can also call within my iPhone and I know that most of those people would pick up at any time of the day or night if I called and needed them.

            As I work with more and more people at the counseling center, I encourage them to develop their own list.  Have some go-to people you know you can call and you know that you trust.  You have to have people not only to call when you need advice or when you are in trouble, but also to call up and have fun with.

            I find that all-too-often my patients have not spent much time developing friends.  If they are married this seems to be an even bigger problem.  Developing friendships with people requires connection and connection requires some level of vulnerability.  I find that people are afraid to reach out, afraid to admit they are lonely and confused, afraid to admit they need help.  This seems to be even more prevalent among my male patients.  They tend to rely on their wives for all that they need.  The problem there is that their spouse can’t be everything for them and what happens if they are having trouble with their spouse?  They have no one they can talk to.

            One person can’t be everything to another.  One person can’t provide all sustenance to another, it just isn’t possible and to expect that of another person isn’t realistic and honestly isn’t fair.  I know I have friends I can go to for certain things and friends I can go to for other things.  I know what kind of fun I can expect to have with each and it isn’t all the same.

            If you want healthy relationships and healthy connections, dare to be vulnerable and be brave enough to connect with others.  You have to diversify your emotional portfolio.

What You Cannot Do For Yourself

 

“What You Cannot Do For Yourself”

 

            Two blog posts in two days!  I never have time for that right?  Well this week I do and you want to know why?  Because as one of my closest friends likes to say, “God is doing for you what you cannot do for yourself.”

            Yesterday I posted about self-care and balance.  I was talking about how we need to take the time to do what we need to do to make sure we are healthy and happy.  I had spent the weekend with my girlfriends and felt refreshed and ready to go back and face my ever-busy life.  We packed up our things and had brunch together before heading out in separate directions, they drove off towards Indianapolis and I toward Philadelphia.  I got as far as the intersection before the on-ramp to the highway and my car died…

            Now in Pittsburgh there are a lot of really nice people I have found.  Not one, not two, but four cars pulled over and offered me help.  I got a jump and a push and got my car over into an office complex but two of the men who stopped to help knew something about cars and they thought that there was something wrong with my battery but more likely something wrong with the alternator. 

            Now I HATE dealing with my car when it has trouble.  I have always hated dealing with my car.  It isn’t rational and it isn’t right-sized and I panic every single time.  I managed to stay relatively calm, and called AAA.  I will admit that I cried on the lady on the other end of the phone and she was really nice about it.  When she heard I was trying to get to Philly she actually asked me if I knew the theme song to “Fresh Prince of Bel Air” and I sang to her a few bars which had us both laughing and got me out of my panic and apparently made her day.  I got towed to Firestone which was one of the only places open and they replaced the battery.  BUT they told me the alternator was also dead and would need to be replaced and they didn’t have one in stock and would have to order it in the morning.

            Panic set in again.  I was supposed to be back in Philly this morning for a 9 am meeting with a treatment center to talk about them using my book in their family program so it was a meeting I desperately did not want to miss.  I asked them if they thought I could make the 5 hour drive to Philly on the new battery.  They hesitantly told me I might and I launched a scheme in my head to buy a battery pack at Pep Boys to use to jump start myself along the way…  Yeah.

            Fortunately I spoke to a friend and was gently dissuaded from this idea.  I accepted my situation for what it was and I ended up getting a hotel room across the parking lot from Firestone and checking in for the night to wait.  I would have to re-schedule the meeting and wait for the part to come in this morning.  I went back to Firestone to let them know and the most amazing things began to happen.  The man at Firestone asked me if I was missing something important and I told him it was a meeting I was excited about but that it was a first-world problem that could be solved.  He started telling me his wife always talks about acceptance.  Turns out his wife is a drug and alcohol counselor and he himself is in recovery.  We ended up having the most amazing conversation about acceptance, surrender and each other’s concept of a higher power that lasted about half-an-hour.  It was two strangers connecting on a universal level and sharing some very intellectual and intimate ideas about existence.  It was simply amazing.

            Then I go to the room at the hotel to discover it not only has a kitchenette but a recliner.  I have leftovers with me from the weekend, my favorite blanket and my computer.  Last night I ate, curled up under my fleece blanket in the recliner and napped which is something I hardly ever do anymore.  I spoke with each of my sponsees and was not in any rush and had no agenda at all.  I woke up this morning refreshed and had time to sort through some things on my to-do list and sit here and write this piece.  And you know what?  The person I was supposed to meet this morning?  She sent me an e-mail first thing this morning cancelling our meeting and asking if she could re-schedule it anyway.

            Just imagine if I had done what my ego wanted me to do?  Imagine if I had risked driving with a dodgy alternator and my car had died somewhere between Pittsburgh and Philadelphia in the dark and I tried to jump start it on my own knowing as little as I do about cars.  Now I may have gotten stranded or I may have made it home but it would have been incredibly foolish and stressful and the meeting would have been cancelled anyway…  Instead I accepted life on life’s terms and I got one more day of self-care

God was doing for me what I could not do for myself indeed.

Balance

“Balance”

 

            I am sitting in a beautiful Victorian airbnb in downtown Pittsburgh.  It’s dawn and there is snow outside the bay window as I sit typing this and sipping coffee.  I am away for a girl’s weekend with one of my college roommates and her adult step-daughter…  It is blissfully relaxing and I feel my batteries re-charging with every giggle, every shared secret, every silly confession and every bite of chocolate.

            Back in November this friend and I were talking on the phone on the way home from work about our respective stressful days and wishing we could meet for dinner.  She lives in Indianapolis and I live in Philadelphia so a spontaneous meeting for dinner wasn’t going to happen, but we figured out that the halfway point was Pittsburgh so the idea of a girl’s weekend we could look forward to after the madness of Christmas was born.

            As I slowly move from the business world into the world of psychology, I am reminded by my colleagues constantly that self-care is essential to be effective as a counselor, but I am coming to think that it is essential to being effective as a functioning human being and we don’t underscore it enough in today’s society.  We have to put the oxygen mask on ourselves first if we are to be of any use to anyone else.  It is a principle I understand well in recovery.  I have to put my recovery above all else or else I lose all else.  However, self-care can look like luxury and it does not come naturally to me to put aside the needs of others to take care of my own.  But I must.

            I am on track to get a graduate degree in clinical psychology with a dual concentration in both co-occurring disorders and trauma.  The trauma concentration fascinates me and the classes and projects have been amazing, but the subject matter is obviously not always easy to take on.  This past semester I did a trauma project that partially involved me interviewing a number of people and hearing their traumatic stories should they care to share them with me.  It was heavy work to say the least.  When I presented it to my class they responded well and I got a great grade but one of the questions I got at the end of the presentation was, “What have you done to take care of yourself this semester while you have been doing this difficult project?”  I didn’t have a good answer because I really hadn’t done anything to take care of myself.  The point my peer was trying to make was that I am going into a field where I am going to be telling people that they need to take care of themselves and then giving them suggestions on how to do so, but I am not walking the walk.

            The first week of this year was heavy for me.  I won’t go into the details, but there were a number of people in my various circles who needed a lot of my time and a lot of my effort and a lot of my help.  I will always give help to those who need it but it can be overwhelming when many people need you at the same time and need a lot of you.  I was reminded that week that I would need to make sure that I took care of myself this year better than I have in the past.  I put into place a lot of little things for self-care and am making sure that I have something bigger to look forward to each month like this trip to Pittsburgh.

            All of this is a balancing act.  As a mom I want to be present for the kids when I am with them, which means clearing my schedule when I have them for the weekend as best I can.  As a student I want to make sure I put in the time and effort it requires to understand the materials and learn as much as I can to become the best counselor I can and help people and getting good grades is icing on the cake.  As an employee I want to put in my best effort to make sure that my company looks good as they have been good to me and supportive and they are my bread and butter.  As a friend, I always want to be available to my friends should they need me, for the good and the bad.  As a sponsor I take my job very seriously.  I credit my sponsor and other people in the program with showing me a better way of life.  The steps and the process of going through them saved me from myself and changed everything.  One of the principles I live by is being other-centered but that too has to be balanced so I don’t burn out.

I remember being asked not long ago by someone not in recovery why I go to so many events for my home group that involve getting people started on the steps.  This person wanted to know how many people actually stick with it and actually go through the steps from start to finish.  The answer is there are many more that don’t go through than do and that can, at times be frustrating.  It can, at times, be disheartening and even boring to be going over the same material over and over again not knowing if the person receiving the message is going to stick with it, but for all those that don’t there are those that do.

A friend of mine from my home group had one of these events for a new sponsee, where a number of us got together and did some reading with him and explained the process and got him started on doing the work.  These meetings that we hold take about four hours and I have been part of many over the past three plus years.  The new sponsee was very eager to get started and is one of those people you get a sense from the start is going to take the process seriously.  This man calls on time every day, takes each suggestion and does his step-work religiously.  He has been back at work and over the course of the past few weeks the people around him have noticed a subtle change in him and in his demeanor.  His shift in deportment and attitude has been significant enough that his boss has been praising him and asking him about his recovery and what it entailed from his experience in re-hab to his work on the steps in our home group.  This man’s boss went out on medical leave just recently for what was said to be surgery but called the sponsee from a rehab and told him he checked himself in to get himself better because of the change he had seen in his employee and thanked him for his example.  I heard this second-hand and was blown away.  I got to be a part of that man getting help and I didn’t even know him.  That is why I go to these events. That is why I give my time to other people.  I never know which of my actions is going to help another and in what way, but when it does it is a blessing I cannot explain. 

If I can help even one person to get a fraction of what I have gotten in my recovery, then it will be worth all the hours I have spent in recovery work.  If I can be an example for Dermot and Wren, then the re-birth into a different kind of mother than I envisioned I would be, will be worth it.  If I can learn all I can at grad school and be an effective counselor and help even one patient to turn their lives around, then I will have done something with my life.

So it is all a balancing act.  I want to continue to be a good mom, a good student and a good employee.  I want to be a friend that can be counted on and a sponsor who cares and group member who starts people on a journey that will hopefully change their lives if they let it.  But I have to remember that if I burn myself out then I am nothing to any of these people.

 

The Queen Who Saved Herself - On Amazon

I am sitting here staring at my computer screen in complete awe and I don't have adequate words to describe how I feel right now. A little over 3 and a half years ago I was struggling with how to explain to my two beautiful children why I was in rehab. describing to addictions to adults who don't suffer from the affliction is hard enough but to explain to children that you are ill but don't look sick is a bit like climbing a mountain without a rope.

I managed to come up wit...h a story that made sense to them and that story turned into a book. That book took two years to come to fruition and it is now available.

The Queen Who Saved Herself is now up on Amazon at the following link:
I can only hope that something good will come from so much personal pain and struggle. If you know someone struggling to explain addiction to children, I hope this book helps them on their journey to recovery.

https://www.amazon.com/Queen-Who-Saved-Herself-understand/dp/0692816534/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1512426270&sr=8-1&keywords=the+queen+who+saved+herself