The Sweetest Burn

“The Sweetest Burn”

 

            I have mentioned before that addiction is the great equalizer.  I can go into a twelve-step meeting and be sitting in a room of people that span all races, creeds, religions, genders, socio-economic strata and sexual preferences…  I walk in as the mainline soccer mom and end up sitting next to a tattooed, Harley-riding, ex-con and I get just as much from what he has to say as I do from what the lawyer across from us does.

            I’ve learned to suspend judgement.  I try not to categorize people anymore because when I do, I lose some of the strength of their message, and everyone has one if you listen carefully enough.  As I get older I realize that most of what I used to think I knew to be true isn’t anymore.  I no longer think that you have to have money to be rich.  I no longer believe that you have to have a formal, higher education to be intelligent and informed.  I no longer think you have to have age to be wise.

            There is a woman in my twelve-step circle who has a light about her.  She is beautiful, inside and out.  She is soft-spoken and sweet, covered in tattoos and full of wisdom.  She is twenty-three.  I love when she comes to my home group because she brings with her a calmness and a quiet grace that makes me feel at home.  We often talk about getting together for coffee and never seem to manage to do so but we text back and forth every so often and I value her friendship.

            Not long ago she and I were checking in with one another via text and she asked me again about getting together and if we could do so at a specific time.  I had to turn her down because I was busy and I listed the many reasons why.  I complained that I had recovery, the kids, a full-time job, a part-time job and grad school and that it never ends.  I ended my text saying that sometimes I manage to sleep.  She texted me back with this simple phrase followed by two smiley face emojis and a heart…  “Awwww I’m sorry God blessed you with so much.”

            …it was the sweetest burn I have ever gotten… and I needed it. 

I need those reminders from time-to-time.  I need people like this woman in my life to remind me that I am right where I need to be and that I have so many reasons to be grateful and so many reasons to get up in the morning and so many reasons to be happy.

            I was off yesterday.  I was off, like many single people I think, because it was Valentine’s Day.  Though I know it is just a day like any other and I know that I am quite happy, I started feeling sorry for myself.  I am happier than I have been in years and I am loving living in my house and living my life with all that it has to richly offer me right now.  I do, however, get tired sometimes being alone.  I do, however, sometimes wish I was coming home at night to someone other than two angry cats.  Does this mean that I am ungrateful or weak?  No.  It means that I am human and it means that I am having normal emotions and that I am allowed to have a momentary pity-party. 

            I had class last night.  It is a class on treating complex trauma and it is hard.  I leave there every Wednesday night feeling drained.  There are weeks I feel like we have just read about my own past and though I am getting a lot out of the class and I know that I will be able to use what I am learning to help others, it exhausts me.  I got in my car and started to cry.  I prayed for about the fourth time that day and got on the phone to my sponsor.  We prayed together and I was talked down from my emotional ledge.  I went home, did some reading in the Big Book and went to bed because sometimes that is the best answer.  When I woke up this morning, the text that my friend sent me weeks ago popped into my mind almost straight away and so I sat down to write this piece.

            No, I am not in a relationship right now.  Yes I am single.  Yes it was Valentine’s Day yesterday.  But guess what?  I am so loved.  I have so many people in my life who care about me.  My kids, for one, are a part of my life and this time almost four years ago I was afraid they might not be.  I have deep friendships that continue to grow and expand and there are a vast array of people literally around the world who care what happens to me today.  So I can have an off day, but I am not going to stay in that space.  I am not going to allow myself to wallow in a place in my mind that doesn’t even paint a realistic picture of what my life actually looks like right now.  As my friend said, God has blessed me with so much.