Upgrading Your Dashboard

Upgrading Your Dashboard

I have a friend from the recovery house that I love to pieces.  She is so willing to examine herself and so eager to figure out why and how she ticks the way she does and that willingness to self-examine will get her farther in recovery than most things.
At one point when we were both still living at the recovery house together she went to visit her mother for the weekend.  She had been so excited to go and we had to earn points to have such overnight visits so I knew she had worked hard to get the privilege.
I saw her return and she looked somewhat deflated and asked her how it had gone.  She told me about the weekend and was sad.  She said it had not gone very well and that she and her mother had fought.  She described the conflict and what had led up to it and we talked it through for a while.  She said that her mother could push her buttons like no one else and that she was mad at herself for allowing herself to be so bothered by it.
She is so self-aware that she saw it as a learning experience and I was impressed that she could see a lesson in the interaction.  I try to see the lesson in every situation as well and try hard to concentrate on what I can get from every stumble along the way.  It may take me a few days to see the lesson, but there is a way to turn every challenge around and see it from a different angle and step work has taught me that.
It occurred to me then that we all have buttons and we all have people who can find them faster and push them harder than others.  Spend a day with my children and you will learn that Dermot has some buttons that only Wren can find and push!  I certainly have them and though I deeply love my button pushers, I get frustrated with myself when I allow them to be pushed.
What if there was a way to upgrade your dashboard?  I know that when using computer platforms at work, older versions are replaced with newer and buttons we used to use are rendered obsolete once the dashboard has been upgraded.  If I could learn to do that on a regular basis I would be so much more serene.  If I upgrade my dashboard, then my button pushers can't push my buttons if they no longer exist or have been replaced with new ones.
It will require a great deal of personal work, but I do think it is possible and it is something I continue to work on.
If people push your buttons maybe you need to upgrade your dashboard...

Chaos

Chaos

It occurs to me that chaos is central to addictions of all sorts.  When I was actively drinking or drugging I was seeking substances to ease the chaos in my mind.  I had thoughts and emotions I thought I could not cope with and therefore I tried to numb myself.  It worked for a while until it didn't and took an ugly turn.  But in my wake the chaos I was deferring crashed down on my loved ones.
I still have the chaos in my mind, I still have thoughts and emotions that feel so large I am not sure I will ever overcome, but I am learning to sit with them and not let them consume me.  It isn't easy and it certainly isn't fun, but over time I have come to know that they WILL pass.  They are not set in stone, they are transient, they come in like a fog that I cannot see through, but it moves on in much the same way.  If I can sit still while seemingly lost in the mist and simply listen without wandering, it passes over me and I find myself on familiar ground when it dissipates.  If I panic and wander in the mist desperately trying to escape, I get deeper and deeper in it and the fog lasts so much longer.  I will come out far from home, confused and exhausted.
I have seen many people in recovery flail around once they get sober because they are so used to the chaos that they can't quite let it go.  It is like another addiction in and of itself.  I understand that as I started out addicted to food, had gastric bypass surgery and became an alcoholic.  Now I am in recovery from alcohol and have gained weight so I know all about trading one addiction for another.  But this phenomenon of craving chaos to distract from dealing with life as it is, is a trend I have noticed all around me.
People caught in this chaotic whirlwind stop drinking and doing drugs and some will turn to food.  Some will turn to exercise, some will turn to unhealthy means of losing weight, like purging, binging, starving, laxatives...  Some will go boy or girl crazy and embark on bed crawling or delving into relationships that are not healthy.  Some gamble, some shoplift, all on a quest to run from their feelings and thoughts.
I have noticed also that for family members the lack of chaos can be disorienting also.  Perhaps it is because they have been forced to live in a state of adrenaline and worry for so long that sometimes they can't get out of that state.  Some classic co-dependents will continue to rescue when it is unhealthy to do so, or they will continue to try and solve problems that are no longer there.  I think that people who are living life in the role of hero have often been doing so for a long time and it is a form of addiction for them as well.  Who would not want to be the hero and come out looking pristine in every situation?  I wonder if it is not a way of avoiding how they feel about themselves in much the same way that substances are a way for others to avoid the same.  The whole cycle is disturbing to be a part of and equally disturbing to watch.
What is the solution?  I am not entirely sure, as I clearly have not solved the problem for myself completely, but I do know that accepting myself for who I am is a step in the right direction.  I know that sitting with feelings that used to cause me to run is a step in the right direction.  I know that avoiding situations or people that used to add to the chaos is a step in the right direction.  Living life somewhere in the middle of graph is so much better than the low or high end.  If I am in the high end, spiking near the top, I have so much farther to fall, and if I live at the bottom I will never feel joy, so middle of the road is the place to be, without the chaos.

"Helping"

"Helping"

Counselors and therapists and those who try to help the addicted heal will always tell you that addiction is not only a disease but also a family disease.  The first time I heard that addiction was a disease, I, like many others wasn't sure that I bought it and I certainly didn't buy the concept that the family had an illness as well.  Over the course of living in recovery I have come to accept both.
As I have said before, I knew once I had relapsed and driven the kids while I was drunk, that I was desperately sick.  I had a disease because I would never in my right mind have put my children in danger.  Frank and I have lost a child and I know the value of life on a level that is deeply ingrained, so I can now say, yes, I have a disease and it is deadly.
But the family members of the addicted?  How are they sick?  They are the ones trying to do the right thing and help, so I don't get it and it seems unfair to label the ones who have suffered the slings and arrows of our self-centered and reckless actions.  The addicted leave rubble in their wake and the family is left to clean it up so why would be say they are also sick?
Now I understand.  There is a chaos in the lives of these families.  Parents and spouses of people in active addiction are stuck in a cycle of attempting to maintain some semblance of normalcy amidst the chaos.  They are on point 24 hours a day living on adrenalin trying to save us from ourselves and protect us from danger and pain and the very real possibility of death.
If an addict/alcoholic is blessed enough to embark on a life in recovery, the family members are certainly happy, but understandably wary.  One of the most common side effects of addiction in a family is the loss of trust.  How do the heroes in the situation learn to trust again?  I don't have an answer to that and sometimes it isn't possible to rebuild but I do get that it is a massive and seemingly unsolvable problem.
What I now see certainly to some level within my own family units but also on a larger level among the families of the people that I know in recovery is that the family members find it so hard to drop their guard and they often try solving problems they should never and been responsible for or that are no longer there.  It is possible for the families to become addicted to the chaos as well.  If you live so long in a state of war, how do you re-integrate into life as a civilian again?
I think this may be harder for the parents of addicted children.  How do you detach with love and allow your child to sort things out on their own if in the past their own thinking led them down a path of destruction?  How do they relax and now allow this person to assume the helm once again?  I can say from the view point of the more commonly labeled "patient" in the situation, it can hamper the process of recovery and it is often attempting to solve problems that are no longer there.
During their loved one's active use, parents and spouses have often enabled their loved ones and enabling an addict is only making it worse.  It is contributing to the problem and in some cases it is akin to signing their death warrant.
How can seemingly helpful behavior be destructive?  How can you go from seeing yourself as a hero to being told you are a part of the problem and not be shattered?  It is a paradox like so many others surrounding this disease.  Many family members will balk at being told this reality and simple refuse to accept it.  I have heard many parents on family weekends at rehab say emphatically and with bluster that they will always be there and do everything that they can for their child.  They will wear this statement like a mantle and say it like a battle cry.  But if they and the addict could step back and take a look at the situation from a distance what would they see?  They might see a shell of a person in, say in their thirties, without a job, without a relationship because their significant other has had enough.  The addict may have lost custody of children.  Their parents have swept in a picked up the pieces, are paying their bills, giving them a place to live, doing their laundry and even giving them money for drugs and alcohol because the addict will be sick and intolerable without them.  When the addict acts out and goes on a binge, the parents drop everything and sweep the city looking for this adult runaway and worrying themselves sick only to have the addict return and cycle through this insanity over and over again.
 In so many of these cases I wish the addict could see how pathetic their behavior really is and I wish the family could see how futile and harmful the "helping" really is.  The bravest actions would be for the addict to face themselves and begin to take responsibility for themselves, seeking the professional help they really need and frankly grow up.  The even braver thing lies at the feet of the families.  They must learn a nearly impossibly counter-intuitive act of detaching with love.  The family will ask but what if they fall again?  What if they become homeless?  What if they get hurt or they die?  The fact is that the addicts are already dying, they are just dying more slowly and the family members "helping"them are doing just that, they are helping them to die.  It is awful to write and it is awful to read but it is true.  The only thing to be done is guide the addict to professional help and if they don't opt to go then the family has to stop "helping" so they are forced to hit bottom and no longer have any options.  It is all part of this sad and insidious, emotionally and mentally charged, fatal disease.
I just hope for family members to find peace and to learn to take care of themselves as that is the strongest and bravest thing that they can do.

The Slaking

The Slaking

The other week in a meeting the discussion surrounded steps 8 and 9.  For those of you who are not familiar with the twelve steps, steps 8 and 9 are as follows:
8. Made a list of all persons we had harmed, and became willing to make amends to them all.
9. Made direct amends to such people wherever possible, except when to do so would injure them or others.
As we went around the room sharing, I got, as I often do, a true sense of peace and a feeling of my own thoughts rearranging inside my head.  I think we go to a chiropractor for adjustments and alignments to set our bodies right after days of walking through the world.  Going to these types of meetings for me seems to do the same thing for my thoughts.  They unkink and my mind gets a much-needed alignment. It makes the path forward for the week clearer and more straightforward.
When it came to my turn to share I remembered my previous attempt at the steps a couple of years ago now and I spoke about that to the group.  Previous to my drinking relapse, I had a number of sponsors.  Each one held to the belief that you had to wait a year on steps 1, 2 and 3 before commencing with the rest.  I did not want to wait, I wanted to start working, doing something, sorting myself out.  I kept moving on to different sponsors because I could not connect with them, would relapse on them, or was simply searching for someone I was comfortable enough with to lead me through the process.
I had one who was willing enough to abandon the idea of waiting a year to move forward on the steps and I asked her to take me through step four and beyond.  She had hesitated but I pushed because I was still thirsty, so, so thirsty and I knew we had to do something other than sit in this abhorrent wanting.
I pushed and prodded my way through to step eight in a haphazard and somewhat half hearted way.  I was willing to go only so far in my work.  Only so far in my admittance, I could only glance at myself in the mirror, only catching glimpses of the good and glimpses of the bad.  I only wanted to shed some light, only admit to so much.  We all know how well that worked...
After going back to rehab and on to a recovery house, I stumbled upon this group of people  whose method of going through the steps is all-encompassing.  It is impressive in its thoroughness and viewed from this other side, seems nearly insurmountable.  The group method is clever though as the work is parsed out, offering only pieces of the process, so, as they say, you eat the elephant one bite at a time.  By the time you get to step nine, you look back and can't quite believe you have accomplished quite so much self-examination.  You have looked your true self in the eye and have accepted the whole, the good, the bad and the ugly.
A wonderful thing then happens, you get to meet yourself.  You no longer live in regret because you are now willing to and have begun to admit your faults to those around you.  You can hold your head up higher because there simply isn't anything left to hide and you can move forward with a lighter step and the thirst has been slaked.
Now I won't pretend the thirst does not crop up for me from time to time.  It does.  Not often and not very strongly, but my old thinking can take over for moments here and there.  The difference now is that I remember what I have to lose and I remember the pain of regret.  The pain of regret and remorse and sorrow is stronger when you have cleared it all out and begun to live in a genuine fashion.  If I were to drink again, it would feel good for but a handful of minutes and then I would again have let down my children, flushed the marriage Frank and I are fighting to save, disappointed all who care about me and lost myself.  I would lose the Fiona I have only just begun to befriend.  I would lose the Fiona who is an example to my children, the Fiona Frank might just fall in love with again.
The Fiona, slaked, desires to continue to rise so much more that to live thirsty and afraid among the ashes.

EnChroma Glasses

EnChroma Glasses

I saw an advert for these glasses the other day on the internet and my interest was peaked enough to click in and watch the commercial.  These glasses have been developed by an off shoot of a paint company and are for people with color blindness.  I don't understand the technology behind them but the lenses in the glasses do what the eye does not in a person with color blindness and enables them to see colors as others do.
I thought these were pretty cool until I saw the response of people with color blindness when they tried them on and then I thought they were really cool.  I know it was a commercial, but the reactions were priceless.  These people were stunned and excited and awed by the prism of colors they had heard tell of but never experienced before and it made me think...
I feel as though I have constructed something like these glasses for myself by going through the steps and by working on myself.  I don't ever think I have ever had a clear vision of myself until now.  I have always put too much stock in what other people have said, in what other people think, in what I think they will say, on what I think they think and it has all been so distorting.
I have tried over the years to mold myself into what I thought I was supposed to be, how I thought I was supposed to act, how I was supposed to look.  It is no surprise that I was unsuccessful and unhappy.  It felt like trying to put pantyhose on when you are wet.  It is a futile attempt, you will struggle and the hose will snag and you aren't going to look pretty when it's over.
I have found that being true to myself is the trick.  I have started to do what I feel is right and not what I don't.  Sometimes doing what I think is right for me does not always fall in line with what others think I should do and I am strong enough now to see that that is alright.  In order to be my true self means that sometimes others will be frustrated and disappointed, but I am living without regrets.  I move forward not intending any harm, taking responsibility and being honest.  Sometimes my level of honesty doesn't always serve me well in all circumstances either, but I know that if I don't tell my truth, I will start to get a distorted view of myself again and that is something. I can't afford.
I have built my own set of EnChroma glasses over time and I know how brave I am, how strong I am, how wise I am, how well-intentioned and kind I am.  I also know how damaged I was, how wrong I was, how badly I handled things in the past.  These new glasses of mine balance all these things and allow me to see who I am now much more clearly.
Growing up I saw myself through my parents eyes and didn't like what they saw so I tried to change, to fix the image.  In school I did the same when I saw myself through the eyes of my peers.  When Frank and I married, I saw myself through his eyes and knew his vision of me had me on a pedestal so high I could not achieve it's elevation.  Addiction brought me down in his eyes and I now have to be careful not to look at myself through his eyes because he is still angry and afraid and his vision of me right now is not always nice, nor is it balanced.
What I take away from this is that I have to concentrate on simply looking at myself through my own eyes and if that means I need to wear a pair of spiritual glasses, then so be it.  When I wear those glasses I see sides to myself I knew were always there but I could never before bring into focus.  The range of hues I see in myself is staggering and the pictures I can paint are now limitless.

Keep Talking

Keep Talking

Our marriage counselor has been pushing us lately to make decisions.  He is wanting more results and wants us to make clear to each other what our intentions are and what we are willing to do.  I won't go into all the details, but we have a few sticking points that are stymying our diving into my moving home.  None of them are small and none of them are easy and all of them are exhausting.
The facts are that there is a history there that contains both good and bad.  We can trigger each other like nobody's business.  There is an understandable lack of trust as a direct result of my actions during addiction.  There is a lot of fear surrounding my not being able to promise there will be no relapse.
This is one of the major sticking points for sure.  I want to be able to promise that with all my heart but would be lying if I did.  I can no more promise that I won't relapse than I can that I won't get some other disease in the future, and I know for those not exposed to addiction, that is hard to understand.  I CAN promise that I will do everything in my power, and I am, not to relapse, to live a more righteous life, to be spiritually sound and connected and to strive to be the best I can be, all of which slakes the thirst I have for falling back on my old ways of escape.  I CAN say that I have no desire to escape today, that I love myself today and that I have no need nor want for mind altering substances and I was never able to say that before.  I CAN say that I do desire to come home a stronger and more equal partner to a man I both love and admire.  I CAN say that I desire to do so only when we can take a leap of faith and that I don't want to lose myself in the process.
I do lose hope sometimes.  I do find it hard to keep going over and over what has happened and examine all the feelings that crop up for us both.  It is exhausting to go to marriage counseling week after week.  There are days I want to throw in the towel and give up.
The other night when I was tucking Dermot into bed he asked me when I was coming home.  I told him that I couldn't answer that question yet but that Daddy and I were talking all that through. Dermot looked up at me and said, "I guess driving us needs to come first and then moving in.  Well keep talking Mom.  Talk for six hours at a time if you have to, but just keep talking."
So when the marriage counselor gave us an assignment on discernment that he uses to make major life decisions which is a faith based praying model, I looked at it.  It took me a few weeks but I looked at it.  I wrote about it for myself.  I meditated on it last night.  I asked Joe for what he thought I should do and he basically told me as he wiped down the diner counter that "The kid has more sense than the both of you put together."
So for all our sakes and perhaps Dermot in particular, I plan to just keep talking no matter how hard, how tiring.  There is history of bad and good in our story, but it is the good I plan to highlight going forward and that good contains Dermot and Wren and we owe them this fight.

A Most Noble Pyramid Scheme

A Most Noble Pyramid Scheme

Lest anyone think that I am spiritually sound every single moment of the day, let me assure you that I struggle to do the right thing often.  I have that voice in my head that tells me to just be lazy and not do the chore ahead that needs to be done.  I have that voice in my head that says I deserve to take time off from the things that keep me moving forward in a more healthy way.  I have that voice in my head that whispers lies and promises titillating oases of ego-stroking self-indulgences.  I used to listen to that voice and that voice alone.
That voice is still there and I have to make a conscious effort to tune it out.  I have to change the channel and find one which promises redemption rather than indulgence.  The music is sweeter and softer, but the song is beautiful and longer-lasting.
There are days when I am tired and I don't want to go to a meeting or meet a person from the program for coffee or drive to a rehab and speak.  I used to cave and not go, sitting instead in glorious self-indulgence and trying to enjoy the stolen time but all the while wallowing in guilt.
Now, when, in those moments of pause, I consider not doing what it right, I see the links in the chain.  I see the person whom I have agreed to meet for coffee, I see the people in the chairs in the rehab sitting and waiting, I see my sponsor's face and the faces of those who have offered their hands down and back to pull me up and forward and I get it and I go and I never regret it.  I never regret making the meeting or the coffee or the session or the reading or the speaking.  I do regret those times that I bail out of my responsibilities.
It strikes me that it is all a pyramid scheme of the most noble kind.  I am a link in a chain of goodness and I have to keep my link strong.  My sponsee needs my time and energy and patience.  My fellow meeting makers need me as much as I need them.  There are days I listen and gain from the wisdom imparted and there are days I impart that wisdom and there are people there who may need to hear what I have to say just as I need to hear their pearls.
Even my sponsor needs my participation.  In giving she is receiving.  The more she is able to give, the stronger her recovery.  Her husband said to me once as we wrestling over paying a diner bill that he would let me this time because he had learned early on that you need to "share in the blessings".  In that comment he wasn't really talking about the food bill, he was speaking on a grander level.  You can't always be the giver nor can you always be the receiver.  You have to allow others the gift of giving as well, it is as valuable a stance as receiving.
So I will give and receive, strengthen my link and participate in this wonderful spiritual ponzi scheme!