The Slaking

The Slaking

The other week in a meeting the discussion surrounded steps 8 and 9.  For those of you who are not familiar with the twelve steps, steps 8 and 9 are as follows:
8. Made a list of all persons we had harmed, and became willing to make amends to them all.
9. Made direct amends to such people wherever possible, except when to do so would injure them or others.
As we went around the room sharing, I got, as I often do, a true sense of peace and a feeling of my own thoughts rearranging inside my head.  I think we go to a chiropractor for adjustments and alignments to set our bodies right after days of walking through the world.  Going to these types of meetings for me seems to do the same thing for my thoughts.  They unkink and my mind gets a much-needed alignment. It makes the path forward for the week clearer and more straightforward.
When it came to my turn to share I remembered my previous attempt at the steps a couple of years ago now and I spoke about that to the group.  Previous to my drinking relapse, I had a number of sponsors.  Each one held to the belief that you had to wait a year on steps 1, 2 and 3 before commencing with the rest.  I did not want to wait, I wanted to start working, doing something, sorting myself out.  I kept moving on to different sponsors because I could not connect with them, would relapse on them, or was simply searching for someone I was comfortable enough with to lead me through the process.
I had one who was willing enough to abandon the idea of waiting a year to move forward on the steps and I asked her to take me through step four and beyond.  She had hesitated but I pushed because I was still thirsty, so, so thirsty and I knew we had to do something other than sit in this abhorrent wanting.
I pushed and prodded my way through to step eight in a haphazard and somewhat half hearted way.  I was willing to go only so far in my work.  Only so far in my admittance, I could only glance at myself in the mirror, only catching glimpses of the good and glimpses of the bad.  I only wanted to shed some light, only admit to so much.  We all know how well that worked...
After going back to rehab and on to a recovery house, I stumbled upon this group of people  whose method of going through the steps is all-encompassing.  It is impressive in its thoroughness and viewed from this other side, seems nearly insurmountable.  The group method is clever though as the work is parsed out, offering only pieces of the process, so, as they say, you eat the elephant one bite at a time.  By the time you get to step nine, you look back and can't quite believe you have accomplished quite so much self-examination.  You have looked your true self in the eye and have accepted the whole, the good, the bad and the ugly.
A wonderful thing then happens, you get to meet yourself.  You no longer live in regret because you are now willing to and have begun to admit your faults to those around you.  You can hold your head up higher because there simply isn't anything left to hide and you can move forward with a lighter step and the thirst has been slaked.
Now I won't pretend the thirst does not crop up for me from time to time.  It does.  Not often and not very strongly, but my old thinking can take over for moments here and there.  The difference now is that I remember what I have to lose and I remember the pain of regret.  The pain of regret and remorse and sorrow is stronger when you have cleared it all out and begun to live in a genuine fashion.  If I were to drink again, it would feel good for but a handful of minutes and then I would again have let down my children, flushed the marriage Frank and I are fighting to save, disappointed all who care about me and lost myself.  I would lose the Fiona I have only just begun to befriend.  I would lose the Fiona who is an example to my children, the Fiona Frank might just fall in love with again.
The Fiona, slaked, desires to continue to rise so much more that to live thirsty and afraid among the ashes.