Chaos

Chaos

It occurs to me that chaos is central to addictions of all sorts.  When I was actively drinking or drugging I was seeking substances to ease the chaos in my mind.  I had thoughts and emotions I thought I could not cope with and therefore I tried to numb myself.  It worked for a while until it didn't and took an ugly turn.  But in my wake the chaos I was deferring crashed down on my loved ones.
I still have the chaos in my mind, I still have thoughts and emotions that feel so large I am not sure I will ever overcome, but I am learning to sit with them and not let them consume me.  It isn't easy and it certainly isn't fun, but over time I have come to know that they WILL pass.  They are not set in stone, they are transient, they come in like a fog that I cannot see through, but it moves on in much the same way.  If I can sit still while seemingly lost in the mist and simply listen without wandering, it passes over me and I find myself on familiar ground when it dissipates.  If I panic and wander in the mist desperately trying to escape, I get deeper and deeper in it and the fog lasts so much longer.  I will come out far from home, confused and exhausted.
I have seen many people in recovery flail around once they get sober because they are so used to the chaos that they can't quite let it go.  It is like another addiction in and of itself.  I understand that as I started out addicted to food, had gastric bypass surgery and became an alcoholic.  Now I am in recovery from alcohol and have gained weight so I know all about trading one addiction for another.  But this phenomenon of craving chaos to distract from dealing with life as it is, is a trend I have noticed all around me.
People caught in this chaotic whirlwind stop drinking and doing drugs and some will turn to food.  Some will turn to exercise, some will turn to unhealthy means of losing weight, like purging, binging, starving, laxatives...  Some will go boy or girl crazy and embark on bed crawling or delving into relationships that are not healthy.  Some gamble, some shoplift, all on a quest to run from their feelings and thoughts.
I have noticed also that for family members the lack of chaos can be disorienting also.  Perhaps it is because they have been forced to live in a state of adrenaline and worry for so long that sometimes they can't get out of that state.  Some classic co-dependents will continue to rescue when it is unhealthy to do so, or they will continue to try and solve problems that are no longer there.  I think that people who are living life in the role of hero have often been doing so for a long time and it is a form of addiction for them as well.  Who would not want to be the hero and come out looking pristine in every situation?  I wonder if it is not a way of avoiding how they feel about themselves in much the same way that substances are a way for others to avoid the same.  The whole cycle is disturbing to be a part of and equally disturbing to watch.
What is the solution?  I am not entirely sure, as I clearly have not solved the problem for myself completely, but I do know that accepting myself for who I am is a step in the right direction.  I know that sitting with feelings that used to cause me to run is a step in the right direction.  I know that avoiding situations or people that used to add to the chaos is a step in the right direction.  Living life somewhere in the middle of graph is so much better than the low or high end.  If I am in the high end, spiking near the top, I have so much farther to fall, and if I live at the bottom I will never feel joy, so middle of the road is the place to be, without the chaos.