Once Was Lost...

Once Was Lost...


It has been a year.  On a very simple level, it has been a year without alcohol or pills or mood altering substances that were no stronger than coffee and chocolate.  It has also been a year away, away from home and living with Frank and the kids.  A year alone yet connected.  On a more complex level it has been a year of discovery, a year of greater understanding, a year of hard work, sadness, joy and transcendence and what a year it has been.  Here are some things that I have learned...
In the beginning of this past year I longed for forgiveness.  I have done things about which I am not proud and I came into this year desperately seeking redemption and forgiveness.  In order to receive forgiveness I first had to learn to love and forgive myself.  I am not worthy of the forgiveness of others if I don't see myself worthy of my own.  Once I began to forgive myself, I moved on to forgiving others.  It follows that if I want the forgiveness of others then I must first be prepared to give it myself.  Once I began to do that, it almost didn't matter of I got forgiveness from others.  It is lovely to receive it, but knowing that I forgive myself and have worked on forgiving others means it no longer carries so much weight if others don't feel they can give it back.
I learned that once I stopped lying to myself, then it made it all the harder to lie to others.  I learned that telling the truth may have been and sometimes still is, hard, but lying is exhausting and tears at the lining of my soul.  I see all of myself now and I can no more deny my flaws than I can my triumphs.
I have also learned that there is a certain amount of freedom in discipline.  If I do the things that I know will help me in whatever aspect of my life, then I have the freedom to enjoy the benefits.  If I am disciplined about the things that keep me sober, then I have the freedom to enjoy myself guilt-free and gracefully.  If I am disciplined about writing then I have the freedom to enjoy the feelings of accomplishment and intellectual freedom that it brings.  If I put my keys in the same place each night when I come home then I am free to drive my car whenever I need to.  If I am disciplined about "wunning" then I will be free to enjoy better health.  I am still working on that one!
I came into this past year bedraggled and barren of self-esteem.  In order for me to gain self-esteem I followed a mantra I heard in the rooms of my twelve step program, "If you want self-esteem, start doing esteem-able things."  It was hard for me to hold my head up high when I had nothing to hold my head up high about.  It was easier to do once I embarked on doing things right and doing things for others and doing things with good intent.
I have found this year that as Brene Brown says, there is power in vulnerability.  Once I made a decision to let people see me as I am rather than what I thought I should show to everyone, I got so much in return.  It turns out that people are relieved to hear that you are flawed because then they can admit they are as well and honestly, what a relief that is.  When I am vulnerable with someone it encourages them to be so with me as well and we start to see each other on the same level, one person is not greater than or less than the other, we just are.  When I am vulnerable with someone invariably I get love and support in return.
I have a learned a lot about how I see religion and spirituality.  I have learned that I know next to nothing and that makes it easier to listen and glean and posit and question.  Knowing that I know next to nothing makes me full of wonder about it all.  I have learned that basically religion is an interpretation of how we think we should live our lives, of how we should go forth into the unknown with love and tolerance.  What people do in the name of religion may or may not be good, but honestly I think we are all human beings trying to figure out how to be and the rest is just semantics.
Going along with the theme of religion and spirituality, I have learned that praying is powerful.  To me, praying is a form of meditation.  It allows me to stop and think a problem through quietly and from all angles.  If I can quietly reflect on a problem or a person with whom I am having a problem, I am able to see it from angles I had not thought of before.  I am able to see another person's point of view more clearly and even if I don't like it, then I at least gain some compassion for them.  It makes the going forward all the more peaceful.
My daughter taught me that "now" is all that matters.  All I have is "now" so I will ruin it if I use it to worry about things I can't change or control.  I need to assess continually while I am in the moment so I am not wasting it on the trivialities that face me daily and are liable to trip me up.  If I can make sure I am doing what matters more often than doing what doesn't then I will have gained.
My son taught me that you can be angry with something that someone has done but love them just the same.  I had always seen any anger turned toward me as rejection and therefore either avoided confrontation, or tried to be as good as possible or lied to cover up the things I thought would cause such rejection.  I have learned this year that the people who count the most in my life should be able to say that they are angry and that doesn't mean that they will leave me.
Similarly, my husband has taught me that boundaries are not rejection either.  You can love someone without letting them walk all over you or be a destructive presence in your life.  He has taught me that change may be scary but it has benefits that surpass all my expectations and dreads.  He has taught me that the most confident among us can be the most wounded and that though the journey may be hard and long, the destination promises to be well worth the hardship.
I have learned that I no longer have room for fear and anxiety in my life.  If something makes me anxious or uncomfortable, then I need to address it quickly.  If I don't it will only grow and become larger than it really is.  If I don't then it will consume my thoughts and ruin my "now."
I have learned to be patient with others in a way that I never have been able to do before in my life.  It is easy to look at someone making a mistake or about to and want to shake them into knowing what I know, but there were plenty of people in my life who tied to do the same for me and it was to no avail.  All I can do is be an example and be an ear for when they are ready to talk.  I can give advice if and when it is sought.  I can't begrudge their journey, nor can I control their outcome.
I know now that though I do none of these things perfectly, I find them easier then ever before.  I know now that my basic structure is good even if I have dimples and pimples and flaws galore.  I have learned that just because I was lacking something in my past it does not mean I can't have it in my future, it just may not look like the Hallmark version.  I have learned that if I tell myself I am unlimited, then I am and I don't have to wait for someone to tell me it is so.  I have learned that I can do all these things because I am not the first, they have been done before so it is not impossible.  I have learned that I am perfectly flawed and beautifully human and ever so grateful for the love and support that surrounds me everyday.  I am humbled and I am sober and I am happy.