Fledglings

Fledglings

This past weekend, I went back to Caron Treatment Center where I had gone for treatment this time last year.  Every Sunday they have a chapel service led by Father Bill.  There is a sermon about addiction every week and music performed by patients.  They offer the Eucharist and they give out anniversary coins.  I went to celebrate my year there and get my coin because it was a place of great healing for me and it seemed so much more symbolic to return there.
Father Bill is a Catholic Priest like no other.  He talks about addiction in a really down-to-earth fashion pulling no punches.  The language is not soft as the subject is life and death for those who suffer and for the family members of the afflicted, themselves sickened by the condition.  The purpose behind the service is to educate and to be as inclusive and welcoming as possible.  There are readings from the Torah and there is a Native American prayer offered.  When the Eucharist is offered it is offered to all that believe in a higher powers who choose to take it.  Father Bill makes a point of citing his opinions on those in the congregation who are gay, that persecution of them is wrong and that they are to be loved and embraced and validated.  It is a truly powerful event.
I invited people from my life who have been through this past year with me to attend and the turnout was almost overwhelming.  In addition to myself, Dermot, Wren and Frank, there were fifteen people who made the icy journey to Wernersville, Pa.  One of my college roommates drove ten hours from Indiana with the man in her life to be there for me.  My other college roommate drove through the snow with her husband from the DC area taking a journey that normally take 2-3 hours which ended up taking them seven!  My in-laws were there as were some of my other friends, my sponsor and her husband and friends of the family.  I felt surrounded by love and support and it was a testament to the people who truly matter in my life for all they have been through with me and all they have offered along the way.
I asked my children to present me with my coin and they readily agreed.  They then decided that they wanted to give speeches, which I was so impressed by.  They worked on them for a few days and I warned them that there would be 200 plus people there and that if they decided that was too overwhelming that it was ok to not stand up, it would not mean any less to me.  To my surprise, my out-going son was the one who started to be nervous and my quiet little girl was the one who pushed to do it despite the crowd.  In the end they read it together with Wren leading the charge as Frank held her up to the microphone, and their doing so nearly brought me to my knees.  I was so proud of them and I have had many reasons to be proud of them over the years, but this one took the cake.
Though they were a hard act to follow, I read "The Queen Who Saved Herself", the story I had written for them in an attempt to explain my addiction to them in terms they might find easier to deal with.  I had asked that the people who came for me stand beside me in an attempt to illustrate that you cannot do this alone.  I was able to thank Caron and those who helped me along the way and it was simply a powerful and inspiring experience.
I know there are people who would question including our children in such a heavy event, what with the topic and the strong language.  I understand the hesitation but Frank and I felt very strongly about it.  After all they have first-hand experience with the affects of addiction.  It has caused them pain and they understand more about it than the average person.  I don't think it would be respectful of them to leave them out of the celebration when they had been to the depths with me already.
I think that we don't often give children credit for what they understand.  They get it far more often than not and I think it is much healthier to be open about these things so that if they do get confused and have questions, they know it is safe to ask.  I would rather they ask than have misinformation fester and malform in their minds.  That happens all too often.
We made a decision to include their brother Liam in our dialogue from the beginnings of their lives.  We could not imagine not doing so because to pretend that Liam did not exist would be to do his soul such dishonor.  Similarly we did not want for Dermot and Wren to think that should something ever happen to them that they would be forgotten.  It means that they are much more familiar with death than most children and they, I hope, see it as a natural part of life rather than something mysterious and strange.
I made a decision this year, with Frank's blessing, to talk to Dermot about my childhood trauma.  He is the same age I was when it began.  I did so in the vaguest of terms so as a not to frighten him but I wanted for him to know that abuse of that kind exists in this world and help him understand what he needs to be safe.  I wanted to explain that often people who do these things will tell you to keep it a secret and will sometimes threaten to hurt your family if you tell.  I wanted him to know that wasn't true, you should always say something, always tell.  It was a difficult conversation for sure, but one he heard fully.  He was sad I had been through something like that, but he knows now we can talk about anything, he knows now he can tell, he knows now you can rise above it.  I plan to have the same conversation with Wren too when she is a bit older.
I think the more we talk to our kids about these things, and the more we show we are vulnerable too, the better informed they become, the better equipped and the more open the communication.  Hopefully it will help these two fledglings rise.