But the Doctor Said

But the Doctor Said

Yesterday was a good day.  I was so happy to have a year anniversary to celebrate.  I got so much love and support and I meant it when I said that I was happy.  I had the day off not because I was going to celebrate, but because a while ago I had scheduled a colonoscopy.  When I realized the date, I had to laugh, so symbolic of "out with the old."
I won't go into details on the colonoscopy or the prep for it to spare you all.  Suffice it to say that as I told a friend, I am pretty sure that if Dante was alive today he would have colonoscopy prep as one of his upper levels of hell.  Frank brought me to the hospital at 6:30 am and I was set to have the procedure at 7:30 am.  I had been up all night and so I was tired when I got checked in by various nurses and got undressed etc... And I was nervous because I had to be put under and being in recovery, this makes me uneasy.
When I had the screening appointment I told them I was in recovery.  I made them write it down.  I asked if I could remain awake as I had seen Katie Couric do for her infamous colonoscopy on broadcast, but was told that would not be an option since I would also be having an upper endoscopy at the same time.  I asked what they would give me since I was in recovery and I was assured that I could go over all that with the anesthesiologist.  I reiterated this when I called to schedule the procedure, when they called to reconfirm and when I arrived early yesterday morning.  Each time I was told that I could talk to the anesthesiologist.
So when I was laid out on the gurney to get my IV placed, the anesthesiologist came in and I perked up and announced I was anxious to speak to her.  I told her I was in recovery and she looked blankly at me for a second and said, "in recovery from what?"  I explained that I was an alcoholic and wanted to make sure that what ever she planned to give me wasn't going to cause me problems.  Her answer to that was a rather snarky, "Well, I'm not going to be giving you alcohol, if that is what you mean."
That wasn't what I had meant at all and I was so taken aback by her bedside manner that I began to get upset.  I pushed and said I was afraid that what she planned on giving me was going to hurt my recovery, trip my neuro-transmitters and that I had been told from the beginning of my recovery to ALWAYS tell health care professionals that I was in recovery to avoid that.  She went on in her very condescending way to say that the reason they needed to know was that they would need to adjust the dosage because I would likely need more than the average person as I have a higher tolerance.  She went on to say that in terms of tripping me up in recovery that all she could tell me was that when I left the hospital I had choices.  I could choose to use or not.
I started to cry at that point.  Here I was at a very hard won year, trying desperately to do the right thing and protect that year and the years to come and it seemed like my young children had more knowledge and compassion about addiction than this woman.  This woman is not only an adult, she is a health care professional but beyond that she is an anesthesiologist, a person who specializes in the medicines that alter moods and the mind!
Frank came back to see me before the procedure and saw that I was upset and asked how the conversation had gone.  I told him and said that in the end I had been told that she would be using propofol.  He started to say that if I wasn't comfortable that I had the option to get up and leave.  At this point the nurse anesthetist overheard us and wanted to know what the issue was.  I asked again if what I was being given was going to be an issue and she told us that propofol was not as big a habit forming drug because it is not easily come by, it isn't something you can buy on the streets or run across in someone's medicine cabinet.  Then she mentioned that they would also be using Valium and Ketamine, but that shouldn't be an issue because they are benzodiazepines and I wasn't in recover from them.  Well we had to tell them that indeed I had taken those in addiction, though my main addiction was alcohol and I happened to know that they are both highly habit forming.  Even if I had not taken them in an addictive fashion, the fact that I am an alcoholic should negate them being used at all.
We finally got it sorted out and they did use propofol but not the benzodiazepines.  What a mess though and what an unpleasant struggle.  I have met too many people in recovery that have been taken in by pain meds prescribed to them by doctors.  They become addicted fast and it leads either to continuing with these pills, getting them in any way they can or leads them to try heroine because it is cheaper and easier to come by.
I think back a few months when I needed a root canal because I had a chipped tooth that led to an exposed nerve.  I was at the dentist's office when they offered me Vicodin for the pain.  I had told one of them I was in recovery and I hadn't even said I was in pain at that point, but they were more than happy to write me a script that I didn't need nor did I want.  It frightens me that the medical community is so ready to just write us scripts and send us on our merry way.
Now don't get me wrong, I know that all doctors, dentists, nurses and health care professionals are not like this, but there is an overriding theme.  I used to be a person who would not question doctors.  Frank and I laugh about this difference in us.  I remember years ago talking to him about a prescription I knew his doctor had given him.  I wanted to know if the medicine was helping him or not.  He told me he had not filled it yet because he wasn't sure he was going to take it. I think my brain completely rearranged itself when he said that because it would never have occurred to me that I had a choice.  I remember stammering, "but, but, the doctor said..."
Well I need to question more.  I need to continue to gather knowledge and I definitely need to keep writing and speaking about addiction.  If I can affect change in even a small circle and shift our common thinking about addiction then the suffering I felt and that my family felt may not have been in vain.  If I can lessen the stigma surrounding addiction so that people, including the ignorant among the health care professionals, can have a bit of compassion and understanding, then I will feel accomplished and blessed.  My first plan of action will be to call the hospital I was at yesterday and talk to them about my experience and offer to help them educate their staff.