Premum Non Nocere

Premum Non Nocere
(First, do no harm)

It is allegedly a phrase from the Hippocratic Oath, but it is actually thought to be attributed to a 19th century English physician named Thomas Inman.  Misconception or no, they are words to live by.
Frank often says he has a principle he asks himself when dealing with conflict in his life.  He asks himself, how can I help make everyone involved successful.  I love that about him.  What a great way to look at a confrontation.  It doesn't always work for sure, but if you have that in mind I think you can work through problems with empathy without sacrificing yourself in the process.
As I embark on making more amends, including those I dread the most, I am thinking of Frank's words and also of the Hippocratic Oath.  If I know that what I plan to say will do more harm than good, I have to re-work what I plan to say or perhaps not say anything at all.
A common phrase I hear in the rooms of AA is, "Does it need to be said, does is need to be said by me, does it need to be said by me right now?" If I ask myself these questions when I start to feel self-righteous, then I often find I should really not say anything at all.  AA also talks about restraint of pen and tongue.  I need to keep that in mind also, especially at work when I find myself getting righteous more than in other aspects of my life.
That being said, I also have to be careful not to fall on my own sword.  I have a deep seeded tendency to blame myself for other people's wrongs.  I tend to take responsibility for others problems, emotions, actions, disappointments and fears.  This ingrained co-dependency is so hard to break free of, but I am working on it everyday.
Last week I was feeling sorry for myself.  I was sad and angry.  Everything felt too hard.  It is hard to work through issues with Frank, it is hard to be away from Frank and the kids, it is hard to live alone, it is hard to re-establish trust and authority with the kids, it is just hard.  It is hard to take the advice from those around me in my support system and sort through it all and figure out what I am allowed to think and feel.
My therapist wants me to stick up for myself.  He wants me to be more confident and show my anger rather than bury it.  He wants me to live more congruently with my feelings and thoughts.  Frank wants guarantees I can't promise.  Our marriage counselor wants us to live mutually, in the present, yet separate ourselves from each other's emotions and expectations.  My sponsor wants me to be grateful for where I am now as opposed to where I was this time last year.
The fact is, that it IS hard.  I do want to be congruent, give guarantees, live mutually, separate myself from others' emotions and be grateful all at the same time.  I want to be happy and healthy and with my husband and kids.  Sometimes though, the best thing I can do on any given day, is to just do no harm.