And "If" Has Become "When"

And "If" Has Become "When"

2014 was not an easy year.  It wasn't all bad, but it wasn't easy.  It started off as a nightmare, but it has been a year full of self-discovery and communication and understanding.
Frank and I have known each other for what seems like forever.  We met in the cafeteria one Wednesday lunchtime at boarding school and neither of us and sports that afternoon so had time to sit and talk for a few hours.  We were so young and found each other to be fascinating.  That long conversation started a journey that has had ups and downs but has never been boring!
We were married after dating for six years and living together for about one.  That was thirteen years ago now.  We have dealt with fertility issues, the death of a child, Frank's cancer and my addiction.  We have lost loved ones other than Liam and we have had financial challenges.  We currently have two beautiful children and there has been a lot of laughter and a lot of tears.  There has been excitement, there has been boredom, there has been passion and there has been drought.  I cannot picture a life without him and I believe that feeling is mutual.  Given that we have children together, we will be in each other's lives for the duration, but in what form?
We were married on December 29th and so after Christmas this year we went away overnight for our anniversary.  We drove five hours east to outside of Pittsburgh so we could visit Frank Lloyd Wright's Falling Water.  I had arranged that as a gift because I knew that Frank was interested in the house and finds architecture to be so fascinating.  I fully expected to be bored since architecture generally isn't something that I am interested in myself.  I was pleasantly surprised and found that whole experience to be lovely.  We had a good time and the drive was well worth it.  The length of time in the car allowed for some very deep conversations.
Sometimes the talk was difficult and sometimes it was easy.  We talked about dreams for the future.  We talked about bucket lists.  We talked about fears and we talked about us.  We DIDN'T talk much about the kids which is new and different for us.  Dermot and Wren have long been our fall back, our steady common thread.  To be sure, they are a favorite topic of conversation for both of us, but they can't be all we have in common.  We can't put the mantle of our relationship on their little shoulders.  It is too heavy and they aren't meant to carry that burden, it isn't fair.
When discussing fear it wasn't much of a surprise that for both of us, losing another child was the top of the list.  Given that, I am able to see why it is so hard for him to trust me again since I put both Wren and Demot at risk when driving them impaired.  It is easy for me to see the dilemma he faces even of it is hard for me to BE that dilemma.  He wants me to tell him I will never drink again and though I could promise that, I can't.  I can say that I no longer WANT to drink.  I can tell him that I will never INTENTIONALLY turn to drink again, or put the kids at risk.  I CAN Say that I will do everything I can to keep my addiction at bay and that I have great hope that this disease of mind and spirit will be kept at bay, but I can no more promise the certainty of it staying at bay than Frank can that his cancer will not return.
Many people reading this may not understand the above statement, but it is the truth.  There are no guarantees in life, and that extends to addiction.  I could lie and make promises in order to come home, but I can't do that anymore.  I can't lie because that brings me one step closer to relapse.
So I spoke the scary truth to Frank and allowed him his struggle and hoped he would come to see his way clear to give us another shot.  I spoke the scary truth but sat beside him in that car and listened to his fears and held his hand.  A beautiful thing began to happen in the car on the way home.  The language of our future changed from "if" I come home to "when" I come home.