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I was in session this week and it was being led by the lead counselor of the treatment facility where I work part-time.  He comes from a psychodynamic background and his approach to speaking to patients is pretty existential.

He was trying to make them see that essentially feelings are not facts but they are stories we tell ourselves in our heads.  For example he would say that if you are in a room by yourself it is a fact that you are alone but if in your head you say you are lonely then that is a feeling that you are simply subscribing to.  It is a story you are telling yourself in that moment and that you can either subscribe to it or you can work to let it go.  This is not an easy concept for most people and certainly not for people in early recovery.  I practice as much as I can but it takes me a while even now and it can take hours and even days before I am successful depending on how deep-seated my subscription.

When I was at Caron Treatment Center and I had reached that stage of utter defeat and acceptance, I decided I would try anything that was suggested to me no matter how uncomfortable and no matter how counter-intuitive it seemed to me at the time.  I’ve mentioned before that every counselor and therapist I have ever had has suggested that I try journaling and I had always politely nodded and then promptly ignored the suggestion.  At Caron I nodded and plodded to their bookstore with my head hanging low and bought the only journal I could see, which was this hokey looking thing with a stick figure on the front that said “Me, A Personal Journal.”

There is a page of prompts on one side that starts with “what is the weather?” and “what are the headlines?” and that sort of thing and ends with “what are your goals for tomorrow?” The next page is blank and you can write what you like.  I dutifully wrote every day and at first I felt like a robot but eventually it started to feel natural and then it felt good and finally it felt essential.  I now have about 10 of these hokey looking journals in a box and I write in them almost every day.  The periods of time when I don’t I feel it and always come back to implementing them in my life.  I don’t go back and read them, but I can if I want.  They help me get my thoughts in order and they help me see the day previous in perspective and set me up to see the day forward in good standing.

This morning the prompt “what did you do to brighten someone else’s day?” stopped me in my tracks.  I sat for a full minute and tried to think what I had done for someone else yesterday to make their day better.  I could not think of a single thing.  That never happens any more.  I had been in a foul mood all day yesterday.  I had tried to shake myself out of it (or so I thought).  I had called my sponsor and done what I thought was a thorough tenth step, I had prayed multiple times yesterday for multiple people but I was foul from morning til night.

I realized as I sat in front of my journal earlier this morning that I had been subscribing all day to the feelings of being mad, of being frustrated, of being lonely and of being resentful (red flag areas for any alcoholic and addict).  I had not simply noticed them, used my tool kit, learned from them and let them go.  If I had, then I would have been able to get out of my own head and do something to brighten someone else’s day like I normally try to do and have come to find almost comes naturally to me now.

So today I am unsubscribing.  Today I will brighten someone else’s day. And for the record all those therapists were right, if I hadn’t started journaling I wouldn’t have started writing and I wouldn’t have started blogging and I would not have healed as well as I like to think I have been doing.