Priority

Priority

 

 

So again I was in group this week, are you sensing a theme?  The topic was basically a tutorial on all the 12 steps and we were at a point where the lead counselor was talking about spirituality and a connection to a higher power and how important that is in recovery.

A few minutes later he started going around the room aand asking patients what the most important relationship in their life was, which relationship they would most be afraid to lose today.  They answers ranged from, children, to spouses, to parents and other family members.  Then he asked me and I said, “I would be terrified to lose my connection with my higher power, my spirituality, basically those things that keep me in recovery.”

There was some silence in the room and one of the patients (a father) looked at me with a face full of judgment and said, “I don’t believe that for a second.  You have kids, I can’t believe that you wouldn’t say you wouldn’t be afraid to lose your kids above all else.”

I was able to turn and look him in the eye and explain that my connection to my spirituality and my higher power is the cornerstone that holds the whole house of cards together for me.  If I don’t have that in place everything falls apart.  EVERYTHING.  If that isn’t strong then I will lose my kids in all sense of the word.  I might not lose them in a physical sense immediately, but I would eventually.  I would lose being present with them, I would lose their respect.  I would lose my sense of self, I would lose my own sense of self-respect.  I would likely lose friends and family.  I would likely lose my job and my house and the list could go on until there was nothing left but utter destruction.

It may sound dramatic, but the possibility is all too real for me and other alcoholics and addicts.  I have seen it happen and I have seen it end in death more often than I care to mention. 

In terms of bottoms, you could argue that mine was not all that low.  I have seen lower if I wanted to compare, but it was low enough thanks.  I don’t need to do this again and I’m not sure I have it in me to do so.  I tried to explain this to this man in group and I got choked up.  I tried to explain that he would not have recognized me nearly four years ago and that now at 44 years old I am stronger and happier than I have ever been and I don’t ever want to lose that and all that I have built.  I’m proud of who I have become and I think my kids are too and that is more than I could have imagined when I woke up in de-tox the last time.  But it was hard and to start over at this point starting over is unfathomable.

The other night when I was speaking to a group of women at a rehab, a woman raised her hand at the end and said, “I’m leaving here in a few days and I am scared.”  She asked me if I was ever scared.  I told her it was good to be scared and that I had fears about losing recovery nearly every day but I know I will be ok as long as I do the things I know keep me sober.  Those essential things are connecting with my higher power, keeping spirituality central to my life and reaching down and pulling other alcoholics and addicts up to join me on this journey.

So yes I would be devastated to lose my kids (I already know this on a cellular level from losing Liam) but in order to avoid that I know what relationship I have to keep in place first.  If I do then I am there to catch Dermot when he faints at the doctor’s office and to practice field hockey with Wren in the front yard at Frank’s house.  Without those things as the keystone, all else is lost.