I Want To Be Me

                                                                    “I Want To Be Me”

“To love oneself is the beginning of a lifelong romance!”

Oscar Wilde

I love Facebook for many reasons.  I haven’t fallen into the trap I hear some people talk about where they find themselves comparing out to others on Facebook and feeling themselves somehow lacking.  I think perhaps that is because I have posted about the good, the bad and the ugly for all to read and walk tall not in spite of it, but because of it.  Being open and honest with people face-to-face and in writing on the internet has kept me in check and has been freeing.

One of my favorite features of Facebook are the memories.  I love reading the memories, even the ones that make me cringe because I remember I was in a bad place.  Even those bad ones have a place.  They serve to make me grateful that I no longer suffer in the same way and don’t have to again as long as I keep doing the things I am doing. 

When I read the memories of the funny or profound things the kids say I will read them out to the kids if they are with me or screen shot them and send them in a group text to them and include Frank.  This way we can all four of us laugh or comment together on something that happened in years past.

The other day there was a memory that popped up about Wren from six years ago when she was 6 ½ years old.  In it I describe how I was snuggling with her in bed and told her I felt lucky to have my own little songbird.  She turned to me and said, “Everyone should be who they want to be”.  I went on to ask her who she wanted to be and she said, “I want to be me”. 

How simple and how powerful a statement is that?  Wren has always had the ability to make really profound statements.  She is the quieter of the two kids but when she speaks she can make you stop in your tracks.  Another thing about her is that she seems to have known who she is since she came out of the womb.  She seems to have had this innate sense of self that came paired with a refusal to be rushed into any stage of development outside her own timeline.  She will do things on her own terms and always has because she knows innately who she is and she wants to be just that.  It’s awesome to watch and also a little intimidating for someone who did not really understand who she was until she was in her mid-40s and is still learning.

I think I may have mentioned previously that before the steps I had a very warped sense of self.  I either held myself above everyone in this self-aggrandized version of bluster and arrogance or I was festering in self-loathing.  I could never just live in the middle ground of my unique and lovely Fiona-ness.  I learned from my fourth step to face myself and my fears and was able to begin to embrace the person I had for so long rejected.  I stopped trying to be someone I wasn’t and I allowed my authenticity to come through and it wasn’t half as frightening as I had imagined.  When I could settle into my own skin it was as though I could relax for the first time. 

Today I see myself as I imagine God sees me and now, like Wren, I want to be me.

Shards

“Shards”

“True redemption is seized when you accept the future consequences for your past mistakes.” Eduardo Macedo

I saw this plate meme on the internet about two years ago and it struck a deep chord for me. I saved it because it is, for me, a perfect illustration of the concept of the work we must attempt to do in step nine.

In our active addiction, we addicts and alcoholics have wreaked havoc on the lives of the people we love. We have an illness that changes our behavior in such a way that our actions cut wide swaths of destruction through marriages, childhoods, friendships, relationships, jobs and finances; the list could go on and on. We have an illness, yes. It offers an explanation but does not give an excuse. The actions are still ours to own and to deal with when we enter sobriety.

Once the work of self-examination is done in step four and admitted in five, we ask our higher powers for guidance and alleviation of our shortcomings in seven. We then have a list of people and institutions to which we owe amends and in step nine embark on a humble pilgrimage of making amends. But what does it mean to make amends?

I think it is natural to be full of fear before starting this part of the process. Making amends means being intentionally vulnerable. It means admitting some of the worst things about ourselves to the people we have done the most harm to. It is simple but it is not easy. It also means not just blithely saying “I’m sorry” as the meme about the plate suggests. The people we have hurt have heard that countless times before and they likely won’t want to hear that again. “I’m sorry”, doesn’t glue the broken shards of the plate back together again.

We have to surrender the outcome of the conversation and accept that it may not go as we would like. We have to accept also that the relationship may not go back to the way that it was before; ever. The plate has been broken and though that does not preclude it being fixed, it will likely never be the same. In some rare cases for me at least, all remained were shards. In still others, the amends process took those shards and both parties recognized the plate could not be fixed but instead a beautiful mosaic was created from what was once so broken. That is what happened with Frank. Our marriage was that plate. It could not be pieced back together, but what a mosaic we have made since!

So amends are not about simply speaking words of sorrow, but about action. They are about trying to make something of the broken shards and realizing that you cannot control the outcome of the broken plate but you can be open to creating a mosaic if you are willing.

Talking to children about addiction... the story behind the book.

Talking to children about addiction... the story behind the book.
https://www.caron.org/media-center/multimedia/audio-video/2019/fionas-journey

Fiona is a recovery blogger, speaker, and published author who found peace and healing through writing, and is transitioning following 24-year career in media planning and sales in anticipation of 2020 receipt of Masters in Clinical Psychology:

“Rising From the Ashes” has been an active blog for five years at

https://www.fionapurcell.blogger.com

and on Facebook.

Published author of “The Queen Who Saved Herself,” a children’s book about addiction that explains the disease in terms children can grasp.

Speaker on topics ranging from addiction, recovery, resilience, trauma, PTSD, the 12 steps and writing your own life-narrative.

Against the Wind

Against the Wind

            

“When everything seems to be going against you, remember that the airplane takes off against the wind, not with it.”  Henry Ford

There are some events in life that carry a lot of weight with them; they challenge us. According to Health Status ( https://www.healthstatus.com/health_blog/depression-stress-anxiety/top-5-stressful-situations/) the top five most stressful life events are as follows:

1.    Death of a loved one

2.    Divorce

3.    Moving

4.    Major Illness

5.    Job Loss

I have dealt with all of the above.  This week saw me facing number five unexpectedly.  I got a call on Wednesday morning that my job was being eliminated and my last day was Friday.  It was a pretty big blow.  I am right in the middle of grad school and trying to keep it together till I finish and can transition to another career.  The company I had been working for and my bosses in particular could not have been more supportive.  But business is business and there were a lot of layoffs on Wednesday and so I know this was not something personal.

So what do I do now?  How do I cope with this situation?  I will tell you that Wednesday and Thursday were not great.  I was wobbly and I was weepy and I felt some panic and fear and there was some anger in there also.  Not all of those feelings were rational but I allowed them to be felt. I know now that if I try to suppress my feelings they will only come out sideways later.  I made a conscious decision that I would allow myself to feel sorry for myself through Thursday and then I had to start getting it together. Dermot was with me at one point and I had been in my room throwing myself a pity party and he came and knocked on my door and said he was just checking on me because I had been in there for a while. That was the kick in the pants I needed. I ended the pity party and made myself go for a power walk and it cleared my head.  I came back and started looking for jobs and working on my resume.

My last day was Friday and though I was sad I am also grateful.   Since last Wednesday I have had a myriad of emotions and feelings, but I am left in the end with gratitude and I am also remarkably calm.  Why is that where I am at the end of the weekend?  I came around because I have tools and because I have an army of people who care about me and most importantly I have learned to pray to a higher power and I have faith today.

The idea of faith was so foreign to me for so much of my life that to write about it still seems like a new pair of shoes that isn’t quite worn in yet.  I said the third step prayer a lot over the first few days and that prayer goes like this, “God, I offer myself to Thee – to build with me and to do with me as Thou wilt.  Relieve me of the bondage of self, that I may better do Thy will. Take away my difficulties, that victory over them may bear witness to those I would help of Thy power, Thy love, and Thy way of life.” That prayer reminds me that what I am feeling is human and real but I also know it is temporary and will pass, as feelings are indeed not facts.  It also keeps me in acceptance of my circumstances and starts me thinking of ways I can turn my thoughts outward to others.  I know that when I am thinking about others, helping others, doing for others, I feel better and I don’t perseverate on the circumstances I can’t control.

Now, does this mean I sit back on my haunches and simply wait for my next mortgage payment to fall into my lap once my severance runs out or expect my phone to ring with a job offer from out of the blue?  No, it does not.  Relying on faith does not work that way and never has.  What it means is that faith provides me with more peace and clear-mindedness.  I know that I have to accept the circumstance of “now” and have faith that things will be okay “then”.  I have to also work toward making “then” happen as well.  That phrase I heard growing up in Sunday school pops into my head at times like this, “God helps those who help themselves.”  I have to work at this too.

The title of the children’s book I wrote, “The Queen Who Saved Herself” is now a mantra for me.  I have to be that queen again and always.  I have to walk the walk.  It isn’t anyone else’s job to swoop in and save me but mine.  It doesn’t mean that I won’t rely on my closest friends and family for support and advice, but I have to dig deep and figure this out and I have faith today that I will.

So through faith and prayer I lessened the fear, gained perspective and landed on gratitude.  I am grateful to a company and a group of people who gave me a chance when I was barely out of a recovery house five years ago.  They did not know that when they hired me, but they found out very soon after and they still embraced me.  One of them wrote a recommendation for graduate school that helped me get into my current program even though he knew it would mean eventually I would leave to change careers.  The other was supportive with scheduling and listening and the whole culture of the department stressed work-life balance.  These are rare things to find in business and I know it.

The truth is my plan is to transition to counseling and behavioral health.  I had hoped to do so when I finished school at the end of 2020.  Maybe this is a sign I should make that move sooner.  Maybe this is a sign I am meant to.  If I really think it through and there had to be layoffs, I am glad it was me rather than one of the other remaining people in my position.  That is no longer my path and it is still theirs. I think that rather than this being the end of something it is perhaps the beginning of something good and new and different even though I can’t see it clearly just yet.

Someone asked me on Friday if I was afraid of relapsing and I smiled because up until the point of them asking I had not even thought about alcohol.  It is no longer my go-to as so many other positive things have taken its place.  That doesn’t mean I will not remain vigilant, but I have tools in place for a reason.  I’m going to navigate these new waters using all the tools in my kit.  I will reach out to friends and family, remain connected to my recovery community, work hard to create a future for myself and keep praying and thanking God even when things go wrong.

I don’t have a phoenix tattooed on my arm for no reason and I may have to rise against the wind on this one.

Living in the In-Between

Living in the In-Between

The summer semester of grad school is hard.  I had not forgotten and I had prepared for the accelerated schedule and the papers seemingly due back-to-back and the impossibility of getting to all the reading.  This is the third summer of four I will do before I complete my degree.  What I had not been prepared for was the added pressure of my internship being thrown into the mix.

The internship adds a fresh layer of burden to my already packed schedule and taxes my organizational skills.  It is like juggling another job and one I don’t get paid for, yet is equally important to the one that pays my mortgage because it paves my future. 

 

Then there is the scope of the internship itself.  I am honored to be interning at a rehabilitation facility for substance abuse that has a specialized unit for first responders.  I am getting a master’s degree in clinical and counseling psychology with concentrations in co-occurring disorders and trauma.  This internship is quite literally right up my alley.  That being said, I leave there some evenings and weekends with my shoulders up by my ears after hearing some of the trauma the patients have been through and some of the pain they are learning to share.  I lately have had this over-riding feeling that the world is maybe not such a good place.

I have a class at college called Practicum Review where we meet to discuss our internships with a supervising professor and fellow students.  It is essentially a weekly peer supervision where we can bring issues we are struggling with and put it up for general discussion.  I asked them the other week how they cope with the weight of the topics we deal with.  How do they bring their shoulders back down from their ears when they are driving home?  They had some good suggestions for me about self-care but I had been doing most of them and some of them did not resonate and I knew I had to find my own way back to base camp as it were because I have been struggling for a while to feel normal.

Before recovery and before doing the steps and meeting myself for the first time, I lived in states of either self-aggrandizement or self-loathing.  I seldom visited the pleasant middle ground I tend to occupy now.  The middle ground is a place I heard myself refer to the other day as the “in-between”.  The in-between is a quieter, more resonant place, where I hear more of what other people say, I catch more nuances, I sit longer in silences, tune in to the world around me and understand beyond things.  The in-between is where I see the face of God in the face of the people I love and hear His message in the words of other people when they share at meetings or in books I read or songs I listen to.  The in-between is the frequency where I am not selfish, but giving.  The in-between is where I am not angry, but forgiving.  The in-between is where I am not stressed out about the little things, but capable of moving mountains without a second thought.  The in-between is home.  The in-between is where I am the most Fiona I can be.

I was driving Wren home on Friday night from her music lesson and we were laughing and listening to “Memory” from Cats in the car and belting it out at the top of our lungs.  We turned the corner and Wren gasped and pointed, saying, “Mom, look! A rainbow!”  There was the most gorgeous rainbow peeking out of the cloud just after the rain.  She took a picture through the car window.  The whole car ride had been so in-between.

I’m going to be fine.  I just have to fine-tune my frequency a little to get myself back to where I need to be and stay there so I can hear and see the messages that are always coming at me.