Shards

“Shards”

“True redemption is seized when you accept the future consequences for your past mistakes.” Eduardo Macedo

I saw this plate meme on the internet about two years ago and it struck a deep chord for me. I saved it because it is, for me, a perfect illustration of the concept of the work we must attempt to do in step nine.

In our active addiction, we addicts and alcoholics have wreaked havoc on the lives of the people we love. We have an illness that changes our behavior in such a way that our actions cut wide swaths of destruction through marriages, childhoods, friendships, relationships, jobs and finances; the list could go on and on. We have an illness, yes. It offers an explanation but does not give an excuse. The actions are still ours to own and to deal with when we enter sobriety.

Once the work of self-examination is done in step four and admitted in five, we ask our higher powers for guidance and alleviation of our shortcomings in seven. We then have a list of people and institutions to which we owe amends and in step nine embark on a humble pilgrimage of making amends. But what does it mean to make amends?

I think it is natural to be full of fear before starting this part of the process. Making amends means being intentionally vulnerable. It means admitting some of the worst things about ourselves to the people we have done the most harm to. It is simple but it is not easy. It also means not just blithely saying “I’m sorry” as the meme about the plate suggests. The people we have hurt have heard that countless times before and they likely won’t want to hear that again. “I’m sorry”, doesn’t glue the broken shards of the plate back together again.

We have to surrender the outcome of the conversation and accept that it may not go as we would like. We have to accept also that the relationship may not go back to the way that it was before; ever. The plate has been broken and though that does not preclude it being fixed, it will likely never be the same. In some rare cases for me at least, all remained were shards. In still others, the amends process took those shards and both parties recognized the plate could not be fixed but instead a beautiful mosaic was created from what was once so broken. That is what happened with Frank. Our marriage was that plate. It could not be pieced back together, but what a mosaic we have made since!

So amends are not about simply speaking words of sorrow, but about action. They are about trying to make something of the broken shards and realizing that you cannot control the outcome of the broken plate but you can be open to creating a mosaic if you are willing.