Against the Wind

Against the Wind

            

“When everything seems to be going against you, remember that the airplane takes off against the wind, not with it.”  Henry Ford

There are some events in life that carry a lot of weight with them; they challenge us. According to Health Status ( https://www.healthstatus.com/health_blog/depression-stress-anxiety/top-5-stressful-situations/) the top five most stressful life events are as follows:

1.    Death of a loved one

2.    Divorce

3.    Moving

4.    Major Illness

5.    Job Loss

I have dealt with all of the above.  This week saw me facing number five unexpectedly.  I got a call on Wednesday morning that my job was being eliminated and my last day was Friday.  It was a pretty big blow.  I am right in the middle of grad school and trying to keep it together till I finish and can transition to another career.  The company I had been working for and my bosses in particular could not have been more supportive.  But business is business and there were a lot of layoffs on Wednesday and so I know this was not something personal.

So what do I do now?  How do I cope with this situation?  I will tell you that Wednesday and Thursday were not great.  I was wobbly and I was weepy and I felt some panic and fear and there was some anger in there also.  Not all of those feelings were rational but I allowed them to be felt. I know now that if I try to suppress my feelings they will only come out sideways later.  I made a conscious decision that I would allow myself to feel sorry for myself through Thursday and then I had to start getting it together. Dermot was with me at one point and I had been in my room throwing myself a pity party and he came and knocked on my door and said he was just checking on me because I had been in there for a while. That was the kick in the pants I needed. I ended the pity party and made myself go for a power walk and it cleared my head.  I came back and started looking for jobs and working on my resume.

My last day was Friday and though I was sad I am also grateful.   Since last Wednesday I have had a myriad of emotions and feelings, but I am left in the end with gratitude and I am also remarkably calm.  Why is that where I am at the end of the weekend?  I came around because I have tools and because I have an army of people who care about me and most importantly I have learned to pray to a higher power and I have faith today.

The idea of faith was so foreign to me for so much of my life that to write about it still seems like a new pair of shoes that isn’t quite worn in yet.  I said the third step prayer a lot over the first few days and that prayer goes like this, “God, I offer myself to Thee – to build with me and to do with me as Thou wilt.  Relieve me of the bondage of self, that I may better do Thy will. Take away my difficulties, that victory over them may bear witness to those I would help of Thy power, Thy love, and Thy way of life.” That prayer reminds me that what I am feeling is human and real but I also know it is temporary and will pass, as feelings are indeed not facts.  It also keeps me in acceptance of my circumstances and starts me thinking of ways I can turn my thoughts outward to others.  I know that when I am thinking about others, helping others, doing for others, I feel better and I don’t perseverate on the circumstances I can’t control.

Now, does this mean I sit back on my haunches and simply wait for my next mortgage payment to fall into my lap once my severance runs out or expect my phone to ring with a job offer from out of the blue?  No, it does not.  Relying on faith does not work that way and never has.  What it means is that faith provides me with more peace and clear-mindedness.  I know that I have to accept the circumstance of “now” and have faith that things will be okay “then”.  I have to also work toward making “then” happen as well.  That phrase I heard growing up in Sunday school pops into my head at times like this, “God helps those who help themselves.”  I have to work at this too.

The title of the children’s book I wrote, “The Queen Who Saved Herself” is now a mantra for me.  I have to be that queen again and always.  I have to walk the walk.  It isn’t anyone else’s job to swoop in and save me but mine.  It doesn’t mean that I won’t rely on my closest friends and family for support and advice, but I have to dig deep and figure this out and I have faith today that I will.

So through faith and prayer I lessened the fear, gained perspective and landed on gratitude.  I am grateful to a company and a group of people who gave me a chance when I was barely out of a recovery house five years ago.  They did not know that when they hired me, but they found out very soon after and they still embraced me.  One of them wrote a recommendation for graduate school that helped me get into my current program even though he knew it would mean eventually I would leave to change careers.  The other was supportive with scheduling and listening and the whole culture of the department stressed work-life balance.  These are rare things to find in business and I know it.

The truth is my plan is to transition to counseling and behavioral health.  I had hoped to do so when I finished school at the end of 2020.  Maybe this is a sign I should make that move sooner.  Maybe this is a sign I am meant to.  If I really think it through and there had to be layoffs, I am glad it was me rather than one of the other remaining people in my position.  That is no longer my path and it is still theirs. I think that rather than this being the end of something it is perhaps the beginning of something good and new and different even though I can’t see it clearly just yet.

Someone asked me on Friday if I was afraid of relapsing and I smiled because up until the point of them asking I had not even thought about alcohol.  It is no longer my go-to as so many other positive things have taken its place.  That doesn’t mean I will not remain vigilant, but I have tools in place for a reason.  I’m going to navigate these new waters using all the tools in my kit.  I will reach out to friends and family, remain connected to my recovery community, work hard to create a future for myself and keep praying and thanking God even when things go wrong.

I don’t have a phoenix tattooed on my arm for no reason and I may have to rise against the wind on this one.