I recently spoke at a rehab to a group of women. I go once a month with my sponsor to this rehab and hold a speaker meeting for the women there. I drive about an hour and a half and my sponsor drives about two hours just to hold the meeting and talk. After, we meet for dinner with my sponsor's husband who speaks to the men at the same time. It is one of the highlights of my month.
Why do we drive so far just to hold a meeting each month? We do so because to speak to these women is a reminder. It is a cautionary tale. I see the ladies there and they are downcast, saddened, desperate and feeble of spirit and I used to be one of them. I don't want to join their ranks again, so I drive from work and talk to them.
This past month, after telling them a little bit of my story, a woman raised her hand to ask me a question. She said she had children about the age of my own and wanted to know if I thought she should tell them the truth about where she was and why she was there.
I told her she should decide that for herself, but that I didn't think that lying to the kids was a good idea. Frank and I have been honest with the kids from the start and I think it has been a wise decision.
First of all, children are little people who deserve respect and understanding. They may be little but they are not stupid. They have seen me at my worst and been unwitting players in the tragic odyssey of my addiction and recovery They know what has gone on. They may not have had words for it, but they knew, they were there and they saw. I don't think that lying to them would do any good and it would have been disrespectful.
I think there is a way to be truthful and open by using words, analogies and terms they can understand. It has also been important for Frank and I to present a united front from the start, agreeing to no taboos. Any question the kids have had has been answered slowly and thoughtfully and without reserve. At first these questions felt jarring to me and made my stomach clench, but over time there has been a comfort in them. Somehow being that open and genuine with them about this part of my life and history has brought us closer together. Being honest and open with the kids about the struggle and everything surrounding it makes us all stronger. It also opened the door to other important discussions such as sexual abuse and depression to name a few. These are heavy topics to be sure, but I firmly believe that the more the kids know, the safer and better armed they will be.
The rehab I went to last had a children's program that both kids attended. I cannot speak more highly of the program and what it did to help the kids, particularly Dermot. It explained the terms and reassured them that nothing was their fault. Dermot got so much out of it that he asked to give a little presentation about addiction to his class and did. He talked to them about it and how it is a disease and how his mom has it. I was so proud of him for that. If there is one way of breaking down the stigma surrounding the disease, it is to bring understanding and acceptance to it from the start. It also cemented my resolve to no longer be anonymous about my alcoholism. There was no hiding it after that!
To be sure it isn't easy to walk into their school at times and be "that mom", the alcoholic separated from her husband and not living with her kids. It isn't easy, but to not walk in would be letting the kids down and I don't want to be in a position to do that again, my disease has done that enough already.
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