So, guess what? I am mentally ill. I have been diagnosed throughout my adult life with an increasing list to check off on health forms.
Dysthymia
Major Depressive Disorder
Anxiety Disorder
Post Traumatic Stress Disorder
Co-occurring Mental and Addictive Disorders
I hope the above list does not grow any longer. It baffles me that when I was in active addiction I checked myself into a psych ward in order to try and stop drinking because it was easier for me to admit to mental instability than it was to admit to being an alcoholic. Now in recovery, and once again in control of myself, I find it harder to say that I am mentally ill, but I am. I suppose that it is just one more of the paradoxes in my life... At least I'm not boring.
Stigma goes a long way in stopping people from getting help. I am in the unique position of no longer having secrets and therefore there really isn't any point in carrying the weight of shame. I do still feel it at times, but it is no longer so heavy, but why do we do that to ourselves? I mean why do we place shame around illnesses of the mind when 25% of the adult US population has some form of mental disorder? That is a staggering statistic and of course cites only those who have been diagnosed, there are, I suspect so many more that go undiagnosed, in part due to the stigma.
I went on the NAMI (National Alliance on Mental Illness) site to get that statistic and a few others. About 6% of that same adult population lives with major depressive disorder and about 5% of the adult US population has co-occurring mental and addictive disorders. Suicide is a more common cause of death than homicide and 90% of those who die by suicide have some kind of mental disorder. According to all these statistics, pretty much everyone in this country has been touched by mental illness in one way or another, so why don't we talk about it more?
Do I seem weak for telling people that I have these illnesses or does my admittance and vulnerability make me stronger? I would argue that I am much stronger for facing myself and admitting to being just who I am. I value the fact that I am now working with what I've got rather than battling myself to pretend I am something different, as I used to. It was a battle I had no hope of winning. I was improperly armed and had no strategy. Now I am and I do.
I grew up in a household rife with mental illness. My mother was terribly ill. Not being a doctor I can only hazard a guess that she had Obsessive Compulsive Disorder, actually I know that one for sure, but also with some form of anxiety and depression and possibly borderline personality disorder. It was a different time and a different culture and we never spoke about the problems outside the family and she never got any help. I know what it is like to be inside my own head, I can only imagine the hell it was to live inside hers. Thinking of her in that way eases the pain of growing up under the tyranny of her diseases. I wish there had been a chance for her to address some of her problems because she would have had a much more fruitful and happy life and perhaps we, as a family, could have as well.
My life now is a good one. It does not look like what I thought it would or should, but I am happy most of the time. I still struggle with feelings of depression and anxiety and also with cravings for mind altering substances. Yes I still struggle, but I also have more knowledge now, and no longer shy from seeking help.
I may still struggle in life and likely will till I die but I am better armed and I have so many things to be grateful for and so many things to be happy about. I am the mother of two extraordinary children who charm the world around them. I am also the mother to a beautiful soul no longer with us but whose presence in my life made me a better person. I am the wife of a singular man who has rode the roller coaster of life with me in one form or another for going on 26 years now. I am a contributing member of society, I have incredible friends whose loyalty is humbling and I am a singer. I am also a writer who is blessed to know that what I am writing is affecting people in a positive way.
This list far overshadows the list of diagnoses at the top.
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