I've written before about my thoughts on God and some of you will have read my piece on Finding Joe. I have said for some time that I am an agnostic but in looking up the definition I will qualify that I have been an agnostic theist. There is a difference, the definition of agnostic theism is: The view of those who do not claim to know of the existence of any deity, but still believe in such an existence.
That summed it up perfectly, until recently. Now I think that perhaps it is slightly different but I am not sure there is a definition for what I believe. I can tell you that I believe in the good of other people and I finally believe in the good in me as well, which has been an important distinction. I do believe in miracles, I have seen a few already in my lifetime. I believe in love, which is intangible but wholly in existence. Over the past few months I have begun to believe in the power of prayer... Yes, I said it, the power of prayer.
After going back to rehab for the second time, it was suggested that I pray on a number of occasions. I was hesitant and tried it but felt nothing. I prayed that I would be relieved of my addiction, that I would be able to return home, that I would essentially get what I thought I needed. I didn't work. Then when I got a new sponsor and started working the steps again I was telling her that I was afraid of the the future and that I was struggling with Frank. She listened while I told her this and when I finished, she looked me in the eyes and said, "I'll pray for you." She didn't offer me suggestions, she didn't offer me solutions, she didn't reassure me and she didn't buy into my pity party. She simply told me she would pray for me. Something about the way she said it and the way she looked me in the eyes when she did that went straight to my heart. I have had people tell me that they will pray for me before and I have completely blown it off. I'm not sure why, probably arrogance and a sense it would do no good.
A week or so later when I got back from another difficult marriage counseling session with Frank and went to bed sad and frustrated, in desperation I decided to pray for him. I wasn't praying for him to see my point of view, I wasn't praying that he change his mind, I was praying that he find peace and have some of his pain lifted. I figured that it couldn't hurt and it might help, and you know what, it did. I calmed down. I started to feel for him in ways that I hadn't for a while, I started to empathize with him and see things from his point of view. I was then able to sleep peacefully that night.
I started doing it more often, praying for other people. I prayed for Frank a lot and still do. After yet another difficult conversation I told him that I was praying for him. That confession to him held such power. It stopped him in his tracks. It made him think. It made him see that I wasn't all about being selfish. I even asked him to pray for me and when he said that he didn't know how, I asked him to simply try.
There is power in praying for others. You stop thinking about yourself and think about the struggles of another. You see things from a different angle. You calm down, it is a form of mediation after all, a spiritual connectedness that offers as much to you as it does to the people you pray for. I liken it to voodoo magic! It astounds me. I don't understand it and I don't think I ever will, but I know for sure that I will keep doing it because it has made a huge difference to the way that I think and the way that I go forth among others and comport myself as another perfectly flawed, beautifully human being.
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