"The Second Marshmallow"

     “The Second Marshmallow”

“I believe the sign of maturity is accepting deferred gratification.”

Peggy Cahn

Dermot is an enthusiastic fellow.  He has many interests and you could say he is a bit of an “everyman”.  He tends to go to an activities fair at school or hear a friend describe their passion and want to jump in and try that same activity or several from the activities fair all at once.  He is also still a kid and the enthusiasm will sometimes then wear off.  I think as parents, Frank and I have learned to reserve judgement and stand back and see if one thing or another will stick.

Jazz band seems to have stuck and a few other things.  This spring he really wanted to try karate.  He had taken karate before when he was very little but we nixed that when he started using Wren as his practice target.  He has a good buddy taking karate and there was some excited almost pleading going on.  We went for the free trial lesson and he still wanted to do it so we signed him up and stood back to watch and see if this would stick.  I will admit to being dubious.

I was so wrong.  He is all in.  He loves it and I have to say I love it too.  I love what it seems to be providing him with.  Over the summer he did their High Intensity Training program and it came with life coaching, a nutrition plan, extra training and he was required to read and be able to discuss in group “The Seven Habits of Highly Effective Teens.”   He did it all and the group discussions were with adults as well as one other teen.  As I said, he is all in.

What I like so much about the karate program beside the obvious physical aspect is that they teach about discipline and respect in each and every lesson.  Every lesson is set up so that they work out for a while and then they break in the middle and the kids sit in a circle around the instructor and the instructor tells them a story.  The story always has some moral to it.  I happened to be there the other day when the story was being told and it struck me that is so relates to recovery.

There was a social-science experiment done (and still used) where a social scientist sits a child down in a room with a table in front of them and places one marshmallow on the table.  The scientist tells the child they are free to eat the marshmallow anytime they want but that if they wait fifteen minutes they will get a second marshmallow which they can also keep and eat or share.  The scientist then leaves the room and sees if the child waits and the experiment is done on different children.  The children were followed over a number of years and it was shown that the kids who were able to or chose to wait for the second marshmallow tended to have better life outcomes.

Delayed gratification is a concept hard for addicts because when in active addiction and often in early recovery there is strong self-centeredness.  The phrase “we want what we want when we want it” is heard a lot in 12-step meetings.  The concept of having to wait for reward is difficult.  I think about this often when people I see leave rehab and go home and apologize for their past behavior and are baffled or hurt that their family members accept the apology but are still seemingly angry with them.  The damage was not done overnight and will not be repaired overnight so in this, like in many other things in life and recovery, we should probably wait for the second marshmallow.

I Want To Be Me

                                                                    “I Want To Be Me”

“To love oneself is the beginning of a lifelong romance!”

Oscar Wilde

I love Facebook for many reasons.  I haven’t fallen into the trap I hear some people talk about where they find themselves comparing out to others on Facebook and feeling themselves somehow lacking.  I think perhaps that is because I have posted about the good, the bad and the ugly for all to read and walk tall not in spite of it, but because of it.  Being open and honest with people face-to-face and in writing on the internet has kept me in check and has been freeing.

One of my favorite features of Facebook are the memories.  I love reading the memories, even the ones that make me cringe because I remember I was in a bad place.  Even those bad ones have a place.  They serve to make me grateful that I no longer suffer in the same way and don’t have to again as long as I keep doing the things I am doing. 

When I read the memories of the funny or profound things the kids say I will read them out to the kids if they are with me or screen shot them and send them in a group text to them and include Frank.  This way we can all four of us laugh or comment together on something that happened in years past.

The other day there was a memory that popped up about Wren from six years ago when she was 6 ½ years old.  In it I describe how I was snuggling with her in bed and told her I felt lucky to have my own little songbird.  She turned to me and said, “Everyone should be who they want to be”.  I went on to ask her who she wanted to be and she said, “I want to be me”. 

How simple and how powerful a statement is that?  Wren has always had the ability to make really profound statements.  She is the quieter of the two kids but when she speaks she can make you stop in your tracks.  Another thing about her is that she seems to have known who she is since she came out of the womb.  She seems to have had this innate sense of self that came paired with a refusal to be rushed into any stage of development outside her own timeline.  She will do things on her own terms and always has because she knows innately who she is and she wants to be just that.  It’s awesome to watch and also a little intimidating for someone who did not really understand who she was until she was in her mid-40s and is still learning.

I think I may have mentioned previously that before the steps I had a very warped sense of self.  I either held myself above everyone in this self-aggrandized version of bluster and arrogance or I was festering in self-loathing.  I could never just live in the middle ground of my unique and lovely Fiona-ness.  I learned from my fourth step to face myself and my fears and was able to begin to embrace the person I had for so long rejected.  I stopped trying to be someone I wasn’t and I allowed my authenticity to come through and it wasn’t half as frightening as I had imagined.  When I could settle into my own skin it was as though I could relax for the first time. 

Today I see myself as I imagine God sees me and now, like Wren, I want to be me.

Shards

“Shards”

“True redemption is seized when you accept the future consequences for your past mistakes.” Eduardo Macedo

I saw this plate meme on the internet about two years ago and it struck a deep chord for me. I saved it because it is, for me, a perfect illustration of the concept of the work we must attempt to do in step nine.

In our active addiction, we addicts and alcoholics have wreaked havoc on the lives of the people we love. We have an illness that changes our behavior in such a way that our actions cut wide swaths of destruction through marriages, childhoods, friendships, relationships, jobs and finances; the list could go on and on. We have an illness, yes. It offers an explanation but does not give an excuse. The actions are still ours to own and to deal with when we enter sobriety.

Once the work of self-examination is done in step four and admitted in five, we ask our higher powers for guidance and alleviation of our shortcomings in seven. We then have a list of people and institutions to which we owe amends and in step nine embark on a humble pilgrimage of making amends. But what does it mean to make amends?

I think it is natural to be full of fear before starting this part of the process. Making amends means being intentionally vulnerable. It means admitting some of the worst things about ourselves to the people we have done the most harm to. It is simple but it is not easy. It also means not just blithely saying “I’m sorry” as the meme about the plate suggests. The people we have hurt have heard that countless times before and they likely won’t want to hear that again. “I’m sorry”, doesn’t glue the broken shards of the plate back together again.

We have to surrender the outcome of the conversation and accept that it may not go as we would like. We have to accept also that the relationship may not go back to the way that it was before; ever. The plate has been broken and though that does not preclude it being fixed, it will likely never be the same. In some rare cases for me at least, all remained were shards. In still others, the amends process took those shards and both parties recognized the plate could not be fixed but instead a beautiful mosaic was created from what was once so broken. That is what happened with Frank. Our marriage was that plate. It could not be pieced back together, but what a mosaic we have made since!

So amends are not about simply speaking words of sorrow, but about action. They are about trying to make something of the broken shards and realizing that you cannot control the outcome of the broken plate but you can be open to creating a mosaic if you are willing.