“Pons Asinorum”
“a point at which many learners fail, especially
a theory or formula that is difficult to grasp”
(Latin - taken from the fifth proposition
of the first book of Euclid)
Sponsoring someone is an honor that
sometimes feels like work and sometimes feels like a gift. I did not even think about that when I came
into the rooms.
I came in a shaking and desperate mess
wanting only one thing, someone to cure me from the ever-present need to drink. I wanted a drink all the time. I needed a drink. My body screamed for it and my mind played
the urge on an endless loop so it was all I saw in front of my eyes
constantly. The people in my home group
took one look at me and smiled as though they could see the reel of neon “Wine
and Spirit Shop” signs flashing before my eyes and hugged me. They knew, because they had had the same sort
of reels playing in their heads before.
They were kind. They were calm. They were happy. They were annoying. They also knew how to help and I could see
that almost immediately and I knew I had to stick around so at least some of it
would rub off on me.
I began a journey through the steps that
brought me to self-discovery. I met
myself for the first time which I have said before. I also met God. Or rather I allowed myself to see God around
me for the first time. I saw universal
connectedness. This does not mean that I
let go science and logic and all things intellectual. Rather, I saw how science and logic and all
things intellectual fit together with things spiritual and mysterious and
passionate and beautiful and I stopped railing against things I did not
understand. I began to accept things
beyond myself and relaxed into “not knowing”.
There are many things I now accept I don’t
know. I can now live with that. I don’t have all the answers and I don’t have
to have them. I also rely on prayer now
and that was something I would have eschewed.
When I called my sponsor for 10th
steps, which are when resentments crop up and you essentially have to work them
out. There are steps we are to take so
these resentments do no build up and lead us back to destructive behaviors and
relapse. We are to ask God to remove the
resentment or anger or whatever feelings we have cropping up. We are to discuss the situation with someone
right away, make amends if we are at fault and then turn our thoughts to
someone we can help.
For the longest time I would get angry
and resentful about something and immediately call my sponsor and start to
kvetch and the response I would get would be, “Did you ask God to remove it?” Well, no, I had forgotten that part. So I would be told to stop what I was doing,
(usually driving) and pray and then call back to resume the 10th
step. For me there is nothing worse
than being talked to like I am five, not that this was intentional on the part
of my sponsor but I could not for the longest time remember this simplest
instruction. It took me nearly five
years to get to a point that I will pray automatically when I get angry or
resentful, then call.
I can also remember a time when I was
still in the recovery house and Frank and I were going to weekly marriage counseling. The sessions were extremely painful and I was
FULL of resentment toward him. I can
remember calling my sponsor at the time and crying in anger down the phone and
her response to me was to say, “Have you tried praying for him?” I can remember holding the phone away from my
ear like she had spoken to me in an ancient language. I thought, “Really that’s all you’ve got for
me?” This was followed quickly by, “I’m
not praying for him, he’s an asshole right now.” BUT I did pray for him that night because I
had reached that point of desperation, AND it did help. I continued to pray for him over the course
of weeks and months and it changed my perspective and the way I interacted with
him.
So now here I am a little over five
years later and I am in a position where other women look to me for help. I get to be that annoyingly happy person they
see when they come in the room looking for help. I get to guide them through the steps as I
was guided through and when they call and tell me what they are struggling with
I listen. I do ask questions and I do
offer help. I also always make that
ridiculously simple suggestion that they try praying about it.
This week, one of them sent me a text
about a problem she was facing. It was a
logistical nightmare that would normally send her into a bit of a
tailspin. She sent me a long series of
texts outlining what had happened and buried in the text were two lines, “I
prayed. And then I got to work.” She solved her problem and was so proud of
the outcome. And I am proud of her too.
Just because something is simple does
not make it easy.
No comments:
Post a Comment