Rainbows and Unicorn Farts

 

“Rainbows and Unicorn Farts”

 

“It’s not all about rainbows and unicorn farts.”

Unknown

           

There was a speaker at my twelve-step meeting the other night sharing about his concept of a higher power.  He spoke about how he had struggled to find a higher power initially and how he had been turned off by the twelve steps to begin with because they talk about God.  I could relate to much of what he was talking about because his story was so similar to my own.  He explained his struggle so well and the parallels were spot on.  He came to realize in the end that he sees God in other people and that is how I feel today.

I think I had been able to see God or feel the presence of a universal connectedness among people throughout my life.  I had caught glimpses of it here and there but I always managed to get in my own way of remaining connected to that presence.  It wasn’t until I was leveled by my own actions through addiction, when the last block in my own personal game of Jenga pulled the whole thing down on my head and I was forced to start over, that I started to feel that connection again.  I did the steps in a thorough and specific way that had me remove my ego from the picture and that connection was re-established and re-enforced.

Now, I see God in other people every day.  I feel God in the words people speak in kindness to one another.  I see God in acts of forgiveness and self-sacrifice.  I see God in redemption and good works.  I see God nearly everywhere I turn these days when my eyes are open and I am spiritually fit.

I laugh at my reputation for crying.  Anyone even remotely close to me knows I cry a lot and daily.  I’m crying now writing this.  I cry for a myriad of reasons like sadness, frustration, anger, joy, but I have come to realize I also cry when I feel the presence of God in other people.  Sometimes I just get filled up with the vastness of it.  It’s oceanic and I can’t contain it.

I am tired at the moment.  I reached the end of my accelerated summer semester for graduate school last night.  Last class of the semester, with an epic take-home final that took a great effort to write and had me consumed with myself.  I have been going at 110% for a while and I feel it.  I snapped at my kid this weekend in a fashion that had me filled with guilt and apologizing to them later.  They were great about it and we laughed about the whole thing but it goes to show I was stretched and not at my best.  I was not as connected.

So last night I was driving from work to school to turn in my take-home final masterpiece when I saw it.  I saw the most incredible and most perfect rainbow.  I was struck dumb by how magnificent it was and I found myself crying behind the wheel of my car.  Crying so hard I had to pull to the side of the road and reach for the tissues I keep between the seats (yes I keep tissues in my car – it’s a necessary evil).  I sat in my car and was overwhelmed with gratitude because I felt the presence of God, my version of God, my higher power.  I felt gratitude for where my life is now.  I marveled at how it looks nothing like I could have predicted it would but how marvelous it all is anyhow and how far we have all come to be where we are today. 

I sat in amazement at how I can be tired for such a good reason now.  How I can be tired from doing too much rather than from being passed out in a chair having done nothing but disappoint the people I love and myself.  That was a God moment for me.  That was a reminder, a poke to say, “Hey, I’m here and you are doing just what you should, but don’t forget to stay connected.”

So sometimes maybe it IS all about rainbows and unicorn farts…