“Intention”

 

 

      “Our intention creates our reality.”  Wayne Dyer

 

I recently had a conversation with a patient about a legal issue he has to face as a result of his actions while in active addiction.  He was understandably nervous about the outcome of his court case.

He was obsessing about the outcome as you might imagine and kept saying what he wanted to have happen.  He was hoping that the person bringing the charges against him would just drop the case.  When the other counselor working with me started to prepare him for the fact that the other person may not drop the charges, she asked him what he would do if that was did not happen.  The patient started down the road of saying that if the plaintiff did not drop the charges then he would be forced to bring up things about the plaintiff that would damage their reputation.  Basically his tact was going to be tit for tat.

I understand that the legal system will likely advise him to do so and I suppose he will do what he has to but we tried to talk to him about intention.  Rather than shaping the incident in his head around what he wants to have happen, look at it in terms of intention.  We asked him what his intention was and he said it was for peaceful resolution.  We encouraged him to look at it that way rather than think of it in terms of “If they don’t do what I want, then I will have to do such and such.”

I find that if I start going down a rabbit hole in a discussion with someone and I start getting argumentative with them, I have to pause.  If I start to lose my temper or my focus then things generally don’t work out for one or both of us.  However if I stop and say what is my intention in having this discussion, then my focus returns and I am generally able to resolve the situation or problem in a positive manner.

I can get into an argument with someone about an opinion that I have.  I can start getting heated because I repeatedly state my case and I feel I am right in what I am saying.  They can do the same.  We can continue to butt heads all we want, I may never convince the other that I am right and then we just continue down the road of trying to out-argue each other and getting more and more frustrated.  Or one or both of us can pause and assess our intention.

For example, say I am at a family dinner.  The conversation turns to politics (shudder!), and a simple matter of policy is brought up.  I, being a liberal, am going to see this matter of policy on one light and my father-in-law, being a conservative, is going to see it in a much different light.  I could argue with him for hours and we could start to get angry and upset with each other or I could stop and think about my intentions.  My intentions are not to convince him to change his mind, my intentions in that moment are to have a nice family dinner!  That doesn’t mean that I need to lie and say I agree with him or expend energy trying to “be right”, but if I keep my intention as my focus, it will vastly change the way I approach this discussion.

Dermot and Wren recently went back to school and last night Dermot was struggling with a situation he had with his new teacher.  He had asked permission to leave the classroom to retrieve an item he had left in his classroom from last year.  His old teacher said he had kept it for him and asked him to come and get it when he could.  Dermot asked permission several times, (he says he only asked three times, but knowing Dermot it was probably more like 6) and in frustration it sounds like his new teacher told him he had lost the privilege at the end of the day. Dermot was upset about this and making sweeping statements about how his new teacher was really mad at him and that he thinks she hates him in a very defeatist manner.

Frank and I offered him some suggestions on how to approach his teacher about the situation (none of these included us sending an e-mail or calling on his behalf).  He dismissed most of these suggestions as he was so frustrated.  His take was that she was only going to get mad at him and that she would never let him leave the room to get the item he left behind.  We tried to say that if he focused only on getting what he wanted (to leave the room) then his approach might not work.  Instead we encouraged him to speak to his teacher with the intention of understanding where she was coming from and having the opportunity to let her know where he was coming from.  Then, likely they would be able to resolve the issue one way or the other, and they would be able to move forward without hard feelings.

It remains to be seen what the patient will do and indeed what Dermot will do, but I stand by the idea that if your focus is on your intention rather than the outcome, the resolution will be acceptable even if it doesn’t go the way you thought it might.