This topic has been on my mind a lot lately. It has been churning in my head because I
have had many different examples of this crop up in my life lately and in the
lives of those close to me so I feel compelled to write about it.
I have written in “Waves” about how feelings are not facts. Now I want to talk about what to do with
negative emotions like guilt, shame, remorse and regret. These are heavy hitters and they carry a lot
of weight.
What are they for? I
would say that these are here to teach.
If I do something that makes me feel guilty or brings me to feel shame
it doesn’t feel good. I used
to use those feelings like whips and self-flagellate, repeatedly and
often. I beat myself frequently for
things I had recently done and things I had done years ago. I would cradle these feelings close to my
heart in fear and self-loathing and the more I did it the worse I felt and the
more I hated myself. It was a
self-fulfilling prophecy. I am ashamed
of what I have done, I am a bad person, I am destined to do it again because I
am such a bad person and then low and behold I would do the thing again and
again and again.
I was doing it
wrong. Some people with tell you that
negative feelings are useless and should be avoided at all cost. I would tell you that negative emotions like
these heavy hitting four, are warnings.
They are devices of learning.
If I now do something that makes me feel ashamed or something
that makes me feel guilty, I examine the act closely. I look it over from all angles. I see the lesson contained therein and
recognize my errors and the gravity of the situation. I take responsibility for my actions and make
amends if necessary, apologize and make it right. I then put those feelings down and walk away
from them. I don’t carry them with me into the next day
or experience.
In the past few months I made an error in judgment that
was foolish and could have been potentially dangerous to myself. I had reached out to a friend before doing so
and she had rightly been worried. I felt
guilt and did all the self-examination described above for a day or so. I did apologize to her for worrying her. Through the course of our conversations
though it became apparent that she felt the need to point out my lack of
judgment a number of times even after we had put the issue to bed. I finally had to say, “I think you are expecting me to still
feel guilty about this and I don’t.” I did not say this
to be arrogant by any means and what I said came from a place of love, but I
needed stick up for myself on that front.
I explained that I had learned from the experience and that I no longer
live with regrets as they serve no other purpose than to weight me down
spiritually. I know she was taken aback by
this but for so many years I abused myself with negative self-talk that I
refuse to do so any longer.
I have seen examples of people “doing it wrong” a lot lately. At work, a co-worker made an error. She discovered the problem, put a best
practice in place to ensure it does not happen again and sent an e-mail
explaining the situation. She took full
responsibility and made an effort to rectify the situation as best she
could. She beat herself up all day, but
I would say to her now it’s time to let it go and move on.
I have a friend in the program who recently relapsed. He is feeling so broken and dejected right
now and all I say to him is learn from this.
Accept that it happened and take responsibility. Reach out for help and put the shame behind
you so you can move forward. If you don’t put the shame down you are going to
remain sick.
So many of us hang onto guilt, shame, remorse and regret
and it does no one any good. Shame holds
back so many people from seeking help, from seeking recovery, from seeking
advice and counsel. Hanging onto these
emotions will keep you in sickness and struggle.
So for those negative emotions. Learn from them as they are internal warnings
that a mistake in judgment has been made.
But once you have received the warning and taken responsibility, turn
the alarm off and get on with your day.
If you are hanging onto to these emotions you are simply doing it wrong.
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