Paradoxical Living

Paradoxical Living

 

 

I was asked to speak at a meeting the other night about step 2.  “Came to believe that a power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity.”  This step is a stumbling block for so many people because many of us struggle with religion and concepts of God.  It certainly was that for me for so long – thankfully it is not an issue any longer.

In the process of speaking about how I came to find a higher power, it struck me that my life is full of powerful paradoxes now.  In fact much about recovery is paradoxical.  So many of the things I cherish in my life now are things I would never have even considered in my previous existence.

I wrote before about how there is freedom in discipline.  That if I am disciplined about where I place my car keys when I get home, remembering to put them in the same spot each time, then I will be free to leave and drive anytime I like because I will know where they are.  If I am disciplined about charging my phone, then I will be free to make a call or send a text whenever I want.  If you are disciplined about exercise then you are free to enjoy life with more energy.

Similarly, there is liberation in limitation for me.  I am limited in that I can’t drink alcohol, but through that limitation, I am free to live an extraordinary life now.  Through this non-drinking limitation I have gained so much.  I have learned to love myself, I have learned to live in the truth, I have learned to learn from mistakes and let them go.  I have independence and pride and can look the world in the eye.  I no longer have regrets and my future stretches out before me and the possibilities are endless.

There is strength in vulnerability.  The more I open up to others the stronger I feel.  When I admit that I struggle, I get some of the richest connections with others and in turn that strengthens my recovery.  St. Paul talks about that in Corinthians 12:9-10.  I love this passage, particularly, “for when I am weak, then I am strong.”  It has certainly been the case for me.  I had to be brought to my knees before I could stand tall.

I don’t think I truly started getting better and thriving until I made a decision to let go.  It makes me think of the Carrie Underwood song, “Jesus, Take the Wheel”.  It is so counter-intuitive for me to do so but the road I was travelling only became passable and smooth when I let go of the wheel and let my higher power steer.  Now, the road has made turns I would not necessarily have chosen, but the journey has been amazing so far and I can’t wait to see where it leads me next.

Lastly, I had to literally become a lie before I could learn to seek the truth.  I used to lie without thought – it was automatic.  I lied about big things, I lied about small things, I lied to others and I lied to myself.  Now when and if I tell I lie, (I still do from time to time because I am human) it physically hurts me.  I feel sick to my stomach and I fess up fast because I don’t like that feeling.  I have read the children’s book “The Big Fat Enormous Lie” to my kids and in the story the little boy tells a lie and throughout the day the lie becomes larger and uglier and follows him around until he tells the truth.  That is how it feels to me now.

Paradoxical living suits me just fine now.