“I Have a Problem with Cheese”
“There
are those people who can eat one piece of chocolate, one piece of cake, drink
one glass of wine. There are even people who smoke one or two cigarettes a
week. And then there are people for whom one of anything is not even an option.”
― Thinking
About Memoir
People who are not alcoholics and
addicts will often assume that we just have to stop drinking and using and we
will then be somehow “cured”. I believe
they believe that once we take away the substance that all will be well in our
worlds again and life will return to “normal”.
This is so far from the truth it is laughable. Our problem is not the substance (well
technically it is – we obviously can’t drink or use) our problem is our
thinking.
I have, since I was a small child,
always done things “big”. I laugh big, I
cry big, I love big, I study big, I get depressed big, I read big (though not
as much as I used to and I miss it) I binge-watch TV, I take on more things at
once than I can possibly accomplish and it gets me into trouble every single
time… and I have a problem with cheese.
I love cheese. A lot.
I buy excessive amounts of cheese every week in all forms because I love
cheese in all forms. I have shredded
cheese, sliced cheese, chunk cheese, wedge cheese, soft cheese… Tony was over the other weekend and was
making me dinner (have I mentioned that he used to be an executive chef? Sigh…) and he opened the cheese drawer in my
fridge. After recovering from the strain
of the weight of the drawer he turned and gave me a quizzical look as if to
say, “What in the dairy section is going on here?” I immediately started trying to explain
myself, which wasn’t easy given the fact that the kids were away for two weeks
so it was only me at the house and only me there to eat all the varieties of
cheese in my fridge. It’s not easy to
explain away a Red Leicester, two types of Double Gloucester, a Kerry Gold
Cheddar, a wheel of Laughing Cow and a sampler of Spanish cheeses (I love me
some Manchego).
He seemed to take it in stride knowing I
think like he does and moved on to use some of the shredded cheddar to make
some indescribably delicious cheesy polenta as part of dinner – I could have
licked the bowl. Later in the week Tony
and I caught up at a meeting and grinning like a knight just returning from the
crusades he presented me with a wedge of Smoked Gouda. I practically swooned and my thoughts were “My
God I love this man” and also “Enabler!”
I have never felt so seen and heard…
Now as I mentioned I have a tendency to
do things to excess. I always have and
to some extent I always will. I will go out on a limb and say most alcoholics
and addicts are the same. This is why
those of us in twelve-step recovery will try and stay in steps 10, 11 and 12
once we have done the previous 9. We
have to constantly be alert to our motives and the fact that our thinking can
get us into trouble even when we have the best of intentions. This is why we should have sponsors to check
in with and other people in the program to bounce our thoughts off of who can
hear what we say and gently re-direct us.
This is why I pray and meditate and talk to Joe as well.
Now I don’t intend to change all the
things I used to do in excess. I will
still madly love my children, I will just have to make sure I do so in a
healthy way. I don’t intend to stop
studying the things that will help to further my effectiveness as a therapist,
but I don’t have to stay up half the night to do so, I can pace myself. I can still help people in the program, but I
once again must pace myself and not take on too much at a time so I don’t
overload myself completely. I have
learned that balance in my life is key.
Now will I do something about my cheese
problem… Probably not. The only cheese I
have any control over is Brie and that is because I have learned I have no
control over it whatsoever if that makes any sense. This is why I never buy it unless people are
coming over for dinner and I am feeding it to them as an appetizer. If I buy it for myself it might make it to
the fridge and it might not. What is
more likely to happen is that I will come to in front of some true crime show
in a lactose induced stupor on the couch amid cracker crumbs and an empty Brie
wrapper and not know what has hit me. So,
no I won’t likely do much more about my cheese problem than limiting my Brie
intake. In fact I may go out later today
because I am out of Red Leicester which is just a wax-paper wrapped crime in
the making! Listen don’t even get me
started on chocolate…
