“Becoming What I Do”
“I can’t
go back to yesterday – because I was a different person then.”
Lewis
Carroll
I have been struggling lately. The tendrils of grief that surround Liam’s
birth and death tend to wrap themselves around my heart like a drifting fog
this time of year. I feel his loss in
waves that sometimes crash in on me when I am enjoying a moment with Dermot or
laughing with Wren or when I am listening to a song or just because it is
Tuesday. I look at how big Dermot and
Wren are and feel a profound sense of mystery around the third child who isn’t. Dermot, at fourteen, is now taller than I am
and I find myself looking slightly up at him and wondering just how much taller
than his mother Liam might be today.
Wren and Liam looked so similar to one another as new-borns. As her face changes and matures I wonder also
how closely they might resemble each other today. This coming Sunday he would have been
sixteen.
The grief is present along with my
unstable future and I find myself tired this October. I am tired and afraid and just a little bit
sick of being strong. I am also in a
state of profound gratitude for where I am in life and the opportunities that I
have been given. The fact that I have
such a strong relationship with Dermot and Wren now seemed impossible
five-and-a-half years ago. I am nothing
if not a beautiful paradox and wildly complicated.
I was laid off in July from a company I really liked but sadly was
downsizing. I spent a few days reeling
about how uncertain my position was but then got down to work. I built up my profile on Linked In, I called
people, I applied for jobs, I networked like a madwoman and I took four classes
this term instead of the usual two so I can get through my masters faster and
graduate, all while logging in time at my internship.
I have been honored to network and meet
up with a number of really inspiring people over the past few months. I have been able to speak at a few events as
well and nothing has given me more pleasure and more gratitude. At one dinner with a new friend I met through
one such speaking event, I opened a fortune cookie and got the message pictured
above. This was back in August and I
kept it in my wallet until now. I kept
it as a reminder that when things feel dark and unstable I need to keep my eyes
on the prize.
Today I start a new job. I will be working as an addiction
counselor. I still feel uncertain about
my future as this is not a full-time position.
But this past week I had to fill in a health form for the kids and it
asked for my occupation. I wrote in the
box that I was a therapist for the first time in my life. That felt indescribably good. I have one more term of grad school after
this one and one more term of my internship left. It has been a long haul and I am not yet out
of the woods.
When I saw my patients at my internship
yesterday I told them I would be gone this week for orientation and training at
my new job but would return the next week.
One of the patients wanted assurance I would return because, “we need
you too.” I assured him I would return
after I cleared my throat. I think I may
need them as well.
I don’t always get things right and I
don’t always make things look easy. I
feel scared and uncertain often. I make
mistakes and my life is still messy. I
don’t have all the answers and I cry… a lot.
But as I have said before, I am my own story and my ending is not yet
written. “The Queen Who Saved Herself’
is literally a life narrative. It may be
a children’s book but it is also a saga and I use the title as a mantra now
when I have to lean on it. When I need
extra courage I say to myself that I can do this because I am the Queen who
saved herself, so I better get to saving myself again with all the tools I
learned in recovery along the way.
I am becoming what I do.
